Noel Razor Smith - The Criminal Alphabet: An A-Z of Prison Slang

Writing this book was a long and arduous process that seemed dogged by bad luck every step of the way. Three times I lost the whole manuscript, once by leaving my laptop on a train, and had to start again from scratch. I am delighted that the book is finally finished and I would like to thank a few people for their help and encouragement. My agent, Will Self, and my publishers and editors at Penguin, who have been very patient and supportive. Big thanks to Justin Rollins, Freddie Lunn, Chris Hawes, Brian Stead, Alan Ward, John Shelly, Ray Bishop and Ricky Abbott for their helpful contributions. I would also like to thank my lovely wife, Caroline, for all her love and support and for getting me motivated when I was at my lowest. And to all my readers be lucky!

The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines crime as an offence against an individual or the state which is punishable by law. Very concise. But that definition hardly begins to scrape the surface of the myriad crimes that exist in this country alone. And for every crime there is a whole language of slang that, in the criminal world, relates to it. The successive governments of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown introduced over four thousand new laws in just over ten years, which, in effect, means that these days you can end up with a criminal record without even breaking a sweat. But let us suppose, just for the sake of simplicity, that you have found yourself on the wrong side of the law or, even worse, been convicted and sent to prison. To survive in this environment, you must, at the very least, understand the language. Of course, it may be that youre determined to make crime your career (a lot of people do, but it isnt something Id recommend). In that case, youll have to start somewhere, and that would be choosing the sort of criminal activity that appeals to you and which you might be good at. And to know exactly what is on offer for the novice criminal, its important to understand the language. For example, thered be no point asking you to get your boys, joyriders and kleptomaniacs will go out stealing just for the fun of it: everybody is after something. The prize is, however, not to be confused with the big one. The big one is the ultimate prize, enough loot to allow the criminal to retire to sunnier climes. Very few criminals ever manage to pull off the big one, though it has been known think of the Great Train Robbery (1963: 2.6 million), the Brinks-MAT Robbery (1983: 26 million in gold; worth 75 million today) and the Tonbridge Securitas Robbery (2006: 53 million), to name but a few. But its even rarer for those who manage to take down the big one to get away with it: most end up in prison for many years, or abroad and on the run in places that dont sell Watneys Red Barrel or Marmite (not that you can get Watneys Red Barrel even in this country any more, but hopefully youll know what I mean).

If you choose the drug game as your criminal career, then youll have to learn a completely different way of speaking. When I say choose the drug game, I dont mean choosing to take drugs though if you do choose to consume illegal drugs, youll still have to touch the criminal world I mean choosing to deal, smuggle or supply drugs as a criminal enterprise. The problem with the drug game, as far as a lot of professional criminals are concerned, is the amount of otherwise straight-goers who get involved because of the large profits that can be made. The perfect example is cocaine. In its country of origin a kilo of pure cocaine can cost as little as 2,000, but once its smuggled into Britain that same kilo is worth around 40,000. Once its been cut several times and has made its way into street deals of a gram a piece, it can be worth as much as half a million pounds. With money like that on offer, it stands to reason that a lot of people who normally wouldnt have much to do with organized and . He is liable to panic and sob out the names and details of everyone involved. Blinded first by the anticipation of great riches for little effort and then by the fear of ending up in prison, these former straight-goers will turn over faster than a turtle in a waterfall.

Thats one reason why many professional criminals now shun the drug game in favour of crimes in which they dont have to rely on straight-goers. As for the language of the drug game, like any other criminal slang, its very eclectic and changes constantly. For example, the smuggling and distribution of drugs rely heavily on phone calls and , Afghan to name but several. And Charlie, Chaz, hooter, beak, oats, white, snozz, trumpet, sniff and YaYo are just a few names for cocaine. So you can see how complicated it can be. All drugs are now commonly known as food by street dealers.

There is a theory of progression in criminal activity, that there are various gateway crimes that will inevitably lead to more serious offences. For example, a lot of shoplifters and sneak thieves go on to become burglars. The clue is in the furtive nature of these crimes: they appeal to people who like to keep their offending low-key and under some kind of cover, as opposed to, say, armed robbers, who commit their crimes out in the open and usually in full view of their victims. However, not all shoplifting is done by men or women wearing huge coats with secret pockets; these days, shoplifters are a lot more blatant.

As an aside, I find it interesting when slang words and phrases that began life in the crime-and-punishment sphere end up being used, unknowingly, by straight-goers. For example, a lot of people know the phrase to be left in the lurch, but not many know its origins. In the days of public executions in Britain the prisoners who were due to be executed were picked up from the prison in a caged wagon known as a lurch. They were then paraded through the streets to their place of execution, as crowds jeered and pelted them with stones and rotten food. If a particular miscreant was hated by the crowd, they would have a whip-round to get a few pennies to give to the driver of the lurch so he could go and have a drink and something to eat. He would then leave the prisoners in the lurch and at the mercy of the crowd.

So now lets move on to the crimes themselves. Well start with the . Thieving has been with us for as long as people have lived on this earth. The act of taking something that doesnt belong to you is almost natural watch a bunch of toddlers interacting with each other at play and youll see how quick we humans are to snatch anything that takes our fancy, even at that age. Some people never learn the lesson that taking things that dont belong to you is bad, or choose to ignore it. Section 1 of the Theft Act 1968 states that a person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it. The maximum penalty in the UK is seven years imprisonment. Many people confuse theft with robbery and, while they are both crimes covered by the Theft Act, there are major differences. According to the act, a person is guilty of robbery if he steals, and immediately before or at the time of doing so, and in order to do so, he uses force on any person or puts or seeks to put any person in fear of being then and there subjected to force. To explain it in simple terms, a thief is someone who will creep into your premises and take your property without you knowing it, whereas a robber will tell you he is stealing your property and do it right in front of your eyes by use of threats or force. Under the Theft Act 1968 there are many varied definitions of the act of theft and, in real life, thieves come in every shape, size, hue and creed.