Timia Carruthers [Carruthers - Child of an Addict

Matters of the Heart

Child of an Addict

Timia Carruthers

Copyright 2017 Timia Carruthers

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 1546872795

ISBN-13 : 978-154687279

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First, and foremost, I have to thank God for keeping me. He is my everything and without Him I don't even want to imagine where I would and could be. This book was not the beginning nor the ending of my healing but, yet, it was birthed in the turmoil of my ongoing recovery process.

To my husband and my children, thank you for enduring my hours of solitude and emotional breakdowns. They were needed and very necessary for me to start and finish this process. I love you all beyond any word Websters Dictionary defines.

And lastly, to the ones who have listened to me in the midst of my dysfunction, and maybe, wiped a tear away, thank you for your ear as well as your shoulder. Your kindness and love has not gone unnoticed.

-TC

CONTENTS

Preface

Often discouraged, yet not defeated. Cast down, but not destroyed. People spend most of their lives having no understanding of how their past affects their present situations. But through all the hours and years of loneliness, disappointment, and struggles, if they remember that if they only keep the faith of a mustard seed and continue to P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens) one day, one hour, one minute, one unexpected second, their hearts, minds, and souls would be at peace with what they have come to know as life.

As I take you on the journey of Mrs. Tiffany Newtons generational curses and lifelong addictions, as a soul longing and looking for love in all the wrong places, know that I am writing not only for myself, but I pray that it may encourage you to believe and know that there are better days ahead and your later days shall be greater! Yes, there will be days when you are pushed back to those dark days and hours, but it is in those moments when you have no idea where your strength will come from, that I promise you, if you ask Him in good faith, He will answer you in a clear voice and the SON will shine.

Matters of The Heart . Child of an Addict

CHAPTER 1

A t an early age, Tiffany realized that all was not fair, happy, honest, loving, caring, compassionate nor holy. She used to sit and wonder- and if shes being honest with herself, she still wonders, why He would even allow her to come into existence. How could He birth her into such confusion, chaos, crisis and dysfunction? Hes supposed to be a just God. One who sits high and looks low. The One we sing about in Sunday school loving all the little children of the world, yet it definitely didnt feel like love. Was she receiving the punishments of the generations before her? Her grandmother, great grandmother, her own mothers wrongdoings? Why would God allow her to see the things she saw, feel the pain she felt, and go through all the trials and tribulations of adulthood all before she was able to obtain a work permit?

Tammy, Tiffanys mother, was so young and beautiful; standing 5 feet 3 inches tall with brown eyes, long black flowing hair, a Coke bottle figure, skin like satin sheets, and the personality of a butterfly. So , creative and outgoing she was, the cousin and friend everyone loved. She had the ability to be whatever she wanted. Using her creativity, she could have easily been the next Martha Stewart. Her poise and beauty could have led her to be the next top model, and yet her focus and determination could have very well afforded her the name of valedictorian of her high school class. But no, God, You chose to take Tammy in a totally different direction. It wasnt until Tiffany was formed in her womb- or so she thought, that she managed to make one bad decision after the next; allowing men to use her body as a deposit box, using her own mind as a tool of manipulation and deception. Not to mention her own family using her as an object of exchange. Ultimately leading her to find what she thought was happiness, comfort, safety and love in an addiction that not only affected her, but would impact the life of her child forever.

Tiffany always knew there was more to the instant feelings uneasiness she felt when she would come across certain situations and people. It was like the chill of death or the hawk of the devil when she felt it. It would send chills down her spine. As a child, she would simply close her eyes tightly and wrap her arms around herself and squeeze just as tightly until the feeling would pass. Like her mother, Tiffany was also beautiful, standing 5 feet 6 inches tall with the same long, thick, black hair and light caramel complexion. Her eyes were an alluring shade of light brown. The curves of her body would command the attention of any room she graced with her presence.

Yes, Tiffany Newton was a woman of many hats- wife, mother, daughter, owner and operator of her own small business, team mom, friend, and lastly, a strong black woman. She was the one who had it all together on the outside; always willing to help anyone in need, always keeping a smile on her face and, most of all, addressing people with a tone of confidence and clarity. She was the one family called on to do things to pick up the slack of others. She was the one who took others kids in because she never wanted a child to feel alone or unloved. She was the one that pulled the family together when there seemed to be a disconnect. But in her quiet time, she became a timid little girl who struggled with deep scars and hidden wounds made up of years of disappointment and pain inflicted by the ones who were supposed to love her the most.

Growing up in the inner city and attending public school, Tiffanys great-grandmother May did her best to shield her from her environment. The drug infested, low income area in which they lived was sometimes more dangerous than anything you could ever imagine. At any given point, you could find an addict on the street corner asking for money for food- they would say. Or a young child running the streets unattended or boys not old enough to graduate from high school driving vehicles a man who works a 40 hour a week job and has saved for months should have. Lying at the foot of her Grannys bed, Tiffany could regularly feel the vibrations of the windows on the house from cars with speakers as big as the trunk. The neighbors across the street drank from sun up to sun down, you were guaranteed to see at least one or two fights a week. Or how about the house a few doors down that had a heavy flow of traffic 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even with the church two blocks down that seemed to have a convention every month, young men always seemed to find their way down the street to Tiffany only to ask her if she can walk two blocks over to 7-11 so they can be mannish while holding her hand, asking for kisses, and rubbing on her body.