Henry Cloud - How to Get a Date Worth Keeping

Contents

T hanks to Sandy Vander Zicht, executive editor at Zondervan, who bugged me for a few years to write down the dating coaching program. Your persistence is what made this book a reality. Thanks, as always, for your commitment to the readers and to the fruit of their lives.

Thanks to Sealy Yates and Jeana Ledbetter of Yates and Yates. Without great agents, projects like this either would not happen, or they would not be all they could be. I appreciate your commitment to publishing and to my work over the years. You are good stewards of message.

Thanks to the members of my community you sustain me and give me so much. I thank God for you everyday.

Thanks to everyone at Cloud-Townsend Resources. You are a great family and team, and I love working with you. Your care for and commitment to the growth of others are a daily inspiration.

And special thanks to Lillie Nye Cashion for allowing me to write about you and Audie in this book. You dated with the courage and spirituality I wish all singles would bring to the task of changing their dating lives. I loved writing your story and recalling the great adventure you lived and I was privileged to watch. Way to go, guys!

Thanks also to singles pastors and leaders everywhere. You are shepherds over people in this process, and the work you do is invaluable. May God bless you!

I just received a wonderful email from a couple who found each other and were married as a result of working the program about which you have just read. It was so cool to hear about the incredible partnership they are enjoying and to remember the dating despair they felt at one time. As a psychologist, I find it fun to watch someone go from being in the desert to finding their own promised land.

This couple tasted a true fairy-tale ending, but there is a catch:

It was not easy.

Both of them had to work the program. They put forth effort, risked rejection and embarrassment, experienced pain, stretched muscles they had never used, failed, and learned through the process.

And, as we say good-bye, I want to remind you that anything worthwhile in life, including dating, involves effort, risk, pain, and failure. How do you get a good career? Does it just fall out of the sky? Of course not. You work on yourself and improve your skills. It takes effort. How do you have a good marriage? Ask people who have them, and they will tell you the same. It takes work. How do you get in shape? Same answer.

So dating is no different. It takes effort. My hope is that as you go forward, you will remember not only that, but something else as well:

It is worth it.

No one will put forth effort if there is no payoff. In fact, that is why some people give up on dating altogether. The payoffs have been few. But my heartfelt belief is that if you do the things you read about in this book, the payoffs can be huge because dating is not just about dating. It is about personal and spiritual growth. And that is how I want you to embark on this program. You will not just find dates; you will grow as a person, and as a result of that, you will find dates.

Growing as a person is exactly what God desires for you. In Matthew 6, Jesus talks about our tendency to worry about the things of life. Certainly worrying about relationships is one of those things. We obsess about how to make them work, where to find them, and how to keep them going. It is a real problem, as God knows. But, as Jesus says, fixing our relationships, or fixing any other area of our lives is not the first step. The first step is always our spiritual growth, for it is that growth that produces the very thing that we desire. He puts it this way: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well (Matt. 6:33).

As we seek God and his ways and as we grow in those ways, we will find more of what we are looking for as well. This is certainly true in dating. As you grow, your dating life changes. As you become healthier, you attract different kinds of people, and you become less attracted to those who are not good for you. As you grow healthier, you become more able to take the steps that will bring results in dating. As you grow, you avoid the patterns that have been keeping you stuck. As you grow, you find more of who you are, what you really want, and how to find it. And God directs your steps as you walk with him.

So, I leave you with two things: the reality that it is not easy, and the encouragement that it is worth it. I did not write a book that gives you some pie-in-the-sky garbage that makes dating sound as easy as some infomercial that promises you can lose weight while you sleep or eat cookies. I have shared with you what I believe is the truth. It will not happen without effort, but if you put out the effort, you will see results.

I want good dating for you. Ask God to help, ask him to show you what to do, and then get moving. My prayer is that you will find the dates worth keeping and that you become one of those yourself.

God bless you!

Dr. Henry Cloud

Los Angeles

T he evening began routinely enough. The team producing my weekend seminar in Cincinnati and I were out to dinner. We discussed lighthearted things as we ordered our meal. It was more a moment to stop and catch our breath than to have life-altering discussions. Little did anyone know what was about to take place.

I never thought Id be doing what Im doing now at this point in my life, Lillie said, innocently talking about her work.

What do you mean? I asked.

Well, I always thought I would be married and have children by now.

Oh, I thought to myself. That makes sense. A lot of women feel that in their mid-thirties. I understood what she was saying, until she continued.

But God hasnt chosen that for me.

My ears perked up. I wondered what she meant. While I believe that God leads us and guides us in life, I also wondered why she blamed her situation on God. Both the psychologist and the theologian in me bristled, wondering what responsibility she might be shirking regarding her undesired singleness. I knew her well enough to know she might have some issues contributing to her single state.

What do you mean, God hasnt chosen that? I asked.

Well, I believe God brings the man into your life you are to marry, and he hasnt brought that man to me yet, she replied. That was enough to get me going, but her next line really did it. Or, he hasnt given me the feelings I would need for the men he has brought into my life.

God hasnt given you the feelings? What does that mean?

Well, God gives you the feelings for the person he wants you to marry, and that hasnt happened with any of the men I know.

Whose feelings are they yours or Gods?

What do you mean? she asked, sounding a little bugged.