Christian Lewis - Finding Hildasay: How One Man Walked the UKs Coastline and Found Hope and Happiness

Id like to thank my dog, Jet, for being my constant; my best friend, loyal companion, and for showing me the true meaning of unconditional love.

To my fiance, Kate, for being a real light in my life and my rock, always. I could not have written this book without your help, especially since I started writing it only three days after the birth of our son, Magnus. I love you.

Richard Walters, my editor working with you felt so natural and easy. I wrote this entire book the old-fashioned way with a pen and paper. You gave me complete freedom and autonomy and allowed my creative juices to flow. It was a real pleasure and I hope to do many more books with you in future. Thanks for being real, pal.

I would like to also say a huge and heartfelt thank you to all of the people around the UK coast who Ive been unable to mention in this book, for all your love and support over the past half a decade. You helped me to rebuild a sense of pride in myself and faith in others and were pivotal in my journey to self-discovery. For that, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. The smallest of gestures can have the biggest of impacts.

Last but not least, I would like to thank my daughter, Caitlin. I started this walk because I wanted to change my life for you. When times got tough, you were all that was on my mind. Without you even knowing, you drove me forward every single day. I am now a better person because of you. You were my inspiration and my drive from the very start. I love you.

On 1 August 2017, former paratrooper Christian Lewis set off from Swansea to walk the entire coastline of the UK. Christians search for self-discovery, and to raise awareness and funds for the veterans charity SSAFA, would become a journey beyond his or anyones expectations. From raising over a quarter of a million pounds to adopting a dog called Jet and finding love with fellow adventurer Kate, he had no idea when he started this once-in-a-lifetime experience that he would be crossing the finish line five years later with a fiance, a baby and a renewed sense of purpose. Finding Hildasay is Christians first book about his journey.

Saying goodbye to my daughter Caitlin at Swansea train station was the most soul-destroying experience of my entire life. Never have I felt such a failure. The walk back to my flat was a complete blur. I cried all of the six miles home only to walk into an empty shell of a flat knowing she had gone. I looked at her bed, the covers still pulled back just as she had left them a few hours before. Part of her presence was still here. My whole body went numb. Broken, I collapsed to the floor sobbing like an inconsolable baby, wishing that Id never existed.

To make matters worse, it was only a few weeks before Id be evicted. My anxiety and depression had taken hold of me with such force by this point that even the simple task of going down to the Civic Centre to try and sort out my deteriorating financial situation seemed impossible. I could barely step out the front door; ironic, really, given how much I hated the place. As I looked around the flat I realized what a dark and confined space it had become. It was like a prison, and every day spent within its drab walls seemed like part of a long sentence. On a basic, primal level I knew I had to get out of there before its black energy sucked me further into dark despair. After a good old sob, guided by an inner wisdom, I finally found the energy to pick myself up and get changed into my wetsuit. I was so desperate to feel some kind of normal and escape from my own mind and I knew the only place I had even a remote chance of doing this was the surf.

After ten years of raising Caitlin on my own, the depths of my depression had become apparent to both of us, and was, I believe, one of the reasons Caitlin left in the first place. It took an enormous amount of willpower to get out of the house; I grabbed my surfboard, a few Welsh cakes and two litres of water and left the flat, but not before punching a hole in the wall out of pure anger at myself. Then I headed out to start the walk to Llangennith beach on the Gower Peninsula.

Ill never be entirely sure what was going on in my mind on that ten-mile stretch. All I can remember is the feeling of having let down someone that I loved so much. It was unbearable. The outdoors have and always will be my happy place. I remember as a boy when my parents were going through a divorce, Id run to the woods and sit in a tree for hours. Being outside was embedded in me, and that has held true my entire life.

However, this time my walk to the beach had a different purpose. The only therapy that might help that hollow day was the ocean, and I found myself walking incredibly slowly and short of breath, my body racked with anxiety, constantly on the cusp of a panic attack. I was often stopping, sitting down somewhere out of sight of any other walkers and bursting into tears. Up until this day, I can honestly say I hadnt cried for all of my adult years. It was like someone had turned on the tap after decades of it being switched off. I felt completely numb; consumed by the recurring thought that I had failed at what to me was the single most important thing I couldnt afford not to succeed at: being a good father to my daughter. My mind adrift, my heart broken, after this I had absolutely no idea where I was heading; I was lost. The word failure stuck in my throat like a leech, and the constant question rattling around my brain was: What the hell do I do now? I had no money, and eviction and homelessness were on the cards. At thirty-seven years old, I was a prime example of somebody suffering severe depression.

It was about three hours before I reached Llangennith beach. Together with Rhossili, they make up one long beach stretching about three miles long a beautiful place and an incredibly popular surf spot in the right conditions. This beach had become a home from home, as I spent every waking minute here that I could, whether it be surfing for my own pleasure or taking people out coasteering. Id spent so much time here over the years that I knew it extremely well enough to know that a strong onshore wind made it inevitable that the swell was going to be big, the surf choppy and all over the place.

As I arrived, I looked down from the hundred-foot cliffs of Rhossili at the ocean and thought to myself, Shit, look at the size of that surf! It was much bigger than anything I had ever ridden before. I can definitely surf, but Im no professional, and looking back, my state of mind had clearly overpowered my normal sense of fear. Any other time, I would have walked away immediately. Today, however, I just didnt seem to care.

The paddle out through the rough white water to reach where the clean build can be surfed behind was just too much for a mortal to handle. Llangennith and Rhossili are renowned throughout Europe for having one of the biggest paddle-outs going. My only option, I decided and it was lunacy to do so was to climb down the cliffs to reach a ledge from which I could jump into the water; rather than paddle out to face this monster head on, I would sneak up behind it.

I stood for a while on the ledge, staring aimlessly out at sea, the spray hitting off the rocks pluming thirty feet into the air. Despite the danger of the situation I was about to put myself in, I felt an immense sense of calm or was it abandon? I attached the leash cord from the surfboard onto my ankle and realized that once Id taken the five-foot plunge into the water, there was no returning to the ledge. The next time I would feel land would be 400 yards away on the beach. This brought me to my senses. I had a choice whether or not to cast myself into the maelstrom. I wasnt suicidal. Thats just not me; I am too much of a coward and I simply hate the thought of dying, especially drowning. There is a huge difference between not wanting to exist any more and the thought of committing suicide. I loved Caitlin and I would never want to leave her with that burden, and was still emotionally aware enough to know that if I did something like this, I would destroy her even more. Killing myself wasnt on the cards.