Simon Green - The Unnatural Inquirer

One of the many problems with working as a private eye, not counting all the many people who want to kill you, often for perfectly good reasons, is that you have to wait for the work to come to you. And since I refuse to sit around my office, on the grounds that all the high tech my secretary, Cathy, has installed intimidates the hell out of me, I seem to spend most of my time sitting around in bars, waiting for something to happen. Not a bad way to spend your life, all told. But in the end, cases are a lot like buses; you wait around for ages, then three come along at once.

Im a private eye of the old school, right down to the long white trench coat, the less-than-traditional good looks, and the roguish air of mystery that I go to great lengths to maintain. Always keep them guessing. A good, or more properly bad, reputation can protect you from more things than a Kevlar jump-suit. I investigate cases of the weird and uncanny, the sins and problems too dark and too nasty even for the Nightside. I dont do divorce work, and I dont carry a gun. Ive never felt the need.

Id just finished a fairly straightforward case, when trouble came looking for me. Id been called in by the slightly hysterical manager of one of the Nightsides most prominent libraries, the H P Lovecraft Memorial Library. Their proud boast: more forbidden tomes under one roof than anywhere else. Id leafed through some of their proud exhibits in the past and hadnt been impressed. Of course they had the Necronomicon, in forty-eight languages, including Braille, and one of the few unexpurgated texts of The Gospel According to Pontius Pilate. They even had Satans Last Testament, originally tattooed on the inside of the womb of the Fallen Nun of Lourdes. But a lot of it was strictly tourist stuff. The Book of Unpronounceable Cults, Satanism for Dummies, and Coarse Fishing on the River Styx. Nothing there to expand your mind or endanger your soul.

Id been called in because twenty-seven of the Librarys patrons had been discovered wandering through the stacks wide-eyed and mind-wiped. Not a trace of personality or conscious thought left in them. Which was unusually high for a Monday morning, even in the H P Lovecraft Memorial Library. Using my gift, it didnt take me long to discover that a recently acquired treatise had been reading peopleI persuaded the book to put the minds back, mostly in the right bodies, and introduced it to the wonders of the Internet. Which should keep it occupied until the Library could send it somewhere else.

So, happy smiles all round, a wallet full of cash (I dont take cheques or plastic, dont ask for credit, as a refusal might involve a back elbow between the eyes), and all in all I was feeling quite pleased with myselfuntil I left the Library and looked down the steps to find Walker and Suzie Shooter waiting for me at the bottom. Probably two of the most dangerous people in the Nightside.

Suzie Shooter, also known as Shotgun Suzie, and Oh Christ Its Her Run, is the Nightsides leading bounty hunter. Have shotgun and grenades, will travel. A tall blonde Valkyrie in black motor-cycle leathers, with two bandoliers of bullets criss-crossing over her ample bosom, steel-toed boots, and the coldest gaze in the world. The whole left side of her face was covered in ridged scar tissue, sealing shut one eye and twisting up one side of her mouth in a constant caustic smile. She could have had it fixed easily, but she chose not to. She said it was good for business. It did give her a grim, wounded glamour.

Suzie and I are an item. Safe to say neither of us saw that one coming. We love each other, as best we can.

Walker is even more dangerous to be around, though in more subtle and indirect ways. He looks very much like your average city gent; pin-striped suit, bowler hat, calm air of authority. Someone in the City, you might think, or perhaps a Permanent Under-Secretary to some Minister you never heard of. But Walker polices the Nightside, inasmuch as anyone does, or can. In a place where everything is permitted, and sin and temptation are the order of every day, there are still lines that must not be crossed. For those who do, Walker is waiting.

He used to represent the Authorities, those grey faceless men who owned everything that mattered and took a profit from every dirty and dangerous transaction in the Nightside. Walker spoke in their name, with the Voice they gave him that could not be disobeyed, and he could call in the Army or the Church to back him up, as necessary. But since all the Authorities were killed and eaten during the Lilith War, lots of people had been wondering just where Walker drew his authority from these days. He still had his Voice, and his backup, so everyone went along.

But an awful lot of people were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He smiled and nodded at me politely, but I ignored him on principle and gave my full attention to Suzie.

Hello, sweetie. I havent seen you for a few days.

Ive been working, she said, in her cold, steady voice. Chasing down a bounty.

For Walker? I said, raising an eyebrow.

She shrugged easily, the butt of the shotgun holstered on her back rising briefly behind her head. His money is as good as anyone elses. And you know I need to keep busy. I only really feel alive when its death or glory time. You finished with your case?

Yes, I said, glancing reluctantly at Walker.

Then walk with me, John, he said. I could use your assistance on a rather urgent case.

I went down the steps to join him, taking my time. Id worked with Walker before, on occasion, though rarely happily. He paid well enough, but he only ever used me for those cases where he didnt want to risk his own people. The kind of cases where he needed someone potentially deniable and utterly expendable. We strode together through the Nightside, Walker on my left and Suzie on my right, and everyone else made sure to give us plenty of room.

I hired Suzie because someone big and important had gone missing, Walker said easily. And I needed him found, fast. Nothing unusual there. But unfortunately, Suzie has proven entirely unable to locate the target.

Not my fault, Suzie said immediately. Ive been through all my usual contacts, and none of them could tell me anything. Even after all the usual bribes and beatings. The mans just vanished. Jumped into a deep hole and pulled it in after him. Im not even sure hes still in the Nightside.

Oh, hes still here, said Walker. Id know if hed left.

Who exactly are we talking about? I said.

Max Maxwell, said Walker. Ah; I take it from your expression that you have at least heard of him.