Fredric Brown - Nothing Sirius

Happily, I was taking the last coins out of our machines and counting them while Ma entered the figures in the little red book as I called them out. Nice figures they were.

Yes, wed had a good play on both of the Sirian planets, Thor and Freda. Especially on Freda. Those little Earth colonies out there are starved to death for entertainment of any kind, and money doesn t mean a thing to them. Theyd stood in line to get into our tent and push their coins into our machinesso even with the plenty high expenses of the trip wed done all right by ourselves.

Yes, they were right comforting, those figures Ma was entering. Of course shed add them up wrong, but then Ellen would straighten it out when Ma finally gave up. Ellens good at figures. And got a good one herself, even if I do say it of my only daughter. Credit for that goes to Ma anyway, not to me. Im built on the general lines of a space tug.

I put back the coin box of the Rocket-Race and looked up. Ma I started to say. Then the door of the pilots compartment opened and John Lane stood there. Ellen, across the table from Ma, put down her book and looked up too. She was all eyes and they were shining.

Johnny saluted smartly, the regulation salute which a private ship pilot is supposed to give the owner and captain of the ship. It always got under my skin, that salute, but I couldnt talk him out of it because the rules said he should do it.

He said, Object ahead, Captain Wherry.

Object? I queried. What kind of object?

You see, from Johnnys voice and Johnnys face you couldnt guess whether it meant anything or not. Mars City Polytech trains em to be strictly deadpan and Johnny had graduated magna cum laude. Hes a nice kid but hed announce the end of the world in the same tone of voice hed use to announce dinner, if it was a pilots job to announce dinner.

It seems to be a planet, sir, was all he said.

It took quite awhile for his words to sink in.

A planet? I asked, not particularly brilliantly. I stared at him, hoping that hed been drinking or something. Not because I had any objections to his seeing a planet sober but because if Johnny ever unbent to the stage of taking a few drinks, the alky would probably dissolve some of the starch out of his backbone. Then Id have someone to swap stories with. It gets lonesome traveling through space with only two women and a Polytech grad who follows all the rules.

A planet, sir. An object of planetary dimensions, I should say. Diameter about three thousand miles, distance two million, course apparently an orbit about the star Sirius A.

Johnny, I said, were inside the orbit of Thor, which is Sirius I, which means its the first planet of Sirius, and how can there be a planet inside of that? You wouldnt be kidding me, Johnny?

You may inspect the viewplate, sir, and check my calculations, he replied stiffly.

I got up and went into the pilots compartment. There was a disk in the center of the forward viewplate, all right. Checking his calculations was something else again. My mathematics end at checking coins out of coin machines. But I was willing to take his word for the calculations. Johnny, I almost shouted, weve discovered a new planet! Aint that something?

Yes, sir, he commented, in his usual matter-of-fact voice.

It was something, but not too much. I mean, the Sirius system hasnt been colonized long and it wasnt too surprising that a little three-thousand-mile planet hadnt been noticed yet. Especially as (although this wasnt known then) its orbit is very eccentric.

There hadnt been room for Ma and Ellen to follow us into the pilots compartment, but they stood looking in, and I moved to one side so they could see the disk in the viewplate.

How soon do we get there, Johnny? Ma wanted to know.

Our point of nearest approach on this course will be within two hours, Mrs. Wherry, he replied. We come within half a million miles of it.

Oh, do we? I wanted to know.

Unless, sir, you think it advisable to change course and give it more clearance.

I gave clearance to my throat instead and looked at Ma and Ellen and saw that it would be okay by them. Johnny, I said, were going to give it less clearance. Ive always hankered to see a new planet untouched by human hands. Were going to land there, even if we cant leave the ship without oxygen masks.

He said, Yes, sir, and saluted, but I thought there was a bit of disapproval in his eyes. Oh, if there had been, there was cause for it. You never know what youll run into busting into virgin territory out here. A cargo of canvas and slot machines isnt the proper equipment for exploring, is it?

But the Perfect Pilot never questions an owners orders, dog-gone him! Johnny sat down and started punching keys on the calculator and we eased out to let him do it.

Ma, I said, Im a blamed fool.

You would be if you werent, she came back. I grinned when I got that sorted out, and looked at Ellen.

But she wasnt looking at me. She had that dreamy look in her eyes again. It made me want to go into the pilots compartment and take a poke at Johnny to see if it would wake him up. Listen, honey, I said, that Johnny

But something burned the side of my face and I knew it was Ma looking at me, so I shut up. I got out a deck of cards and played solitaire until we landed.

Johnny popped out of the pilot s compartment and saluted. Landed, sir, he said. Atmosphere one-oh-sixteen on the gauge.

And what, Ellen asked, does that mean in English?

Its breathable, Miss Wherry. A bit high in nitrogen and low in oxygen compared to Earth air, but nevertheless definitely breathable.

He was a caution, that young man was, when it came to being precise.

Then what are we waiting for? I wanted to know. Your orders, sir.

Shucks with my orders, Johnny. Lets get the door open and get going.

We got the door open. Johnny stepped outside first, strapping on a pair of heatojectors as he went. The rest of us were right behind him.

It was cool outside, but not cold. The landscape looked just like Thor, with bare rolling hills of hard-baked greenish clay. There was plant life, a brownish bushy stuff that looked a little like tumbleweed.

I took a look up to gauge the time and Sirius was almost at zenith, which meant Johnny had landed us smack in the middle of the day side. Got any idea, Johnny, I asked, what the period of rotation is?

I had time only for a rough check, sir. It came out twenty-one hours and seventeen minutes.

Rough check, he had said.

Ma said, Thats rough enough for us. Gives us a full afternoon for a walk, and what are we waiting for?

For the ceremony, Ma, I told her. We got to name the place dont we? And where did you put that bottle of champagne we were saving for my birthday? I reckon this is a more important occasion than that is.

She told me where, and I went and got it and some glasses. Got any suggestions for a name, Johnny? You saw it first.

No, sir.

I said, Trouble is that Thor and Freda are named wrong now. I mean, Thor is Sirius I and Freda is Sirius II, and since this orbit is inside theirs, they ought to be II and III respectively. Or else this ought to be Sirius O. Which means its Nothing Sirius.

Ellen smiled and I think Johnny would have except that it would have been undignified.

But Ma frowned. William she said, and would have gone on in that vein if something hadnt happened.

Something looked over the top of the nearest hill. Ma was the only one facing that way and she let out a whoop and grabbed me. Then we all turned and looked.

It was the head of something that looked like an ostrich, only it must have been bigger than an elephant. Also there was a collar and a blue polka-dot bow tie around the thin neck of the critter, and it wore a hat. The hat was bright yellow and had a long purple feather. The thing looked at us a minute, winked quizzically, and then pulled its head back.