Murray Leinster - A Logic Named Joe

It was on the third day of August that Joe come off the assembly line, and on the fifth Laurine come into town, an that afternoon I saved civilization. Thats what I figure, anyhow. Laurine is a blonde that I was crazy about onceand crazy is the wordand Joe is a logic that I have stored away down in the cellar right now. I had to pay for him because I said I busted him, and sometimes I think about turning him on and sometimes I think about taking an ax to him. Sooner or later Im gonna do one or the other. I kinda hope its the ax. I could use a coupla million dollarssure!an Joed tell me how to get or make em. He can do plenty! But so far Ive been scared to take a chance. After all, I figure I really saved civilization by turnin him off.

The way Laurine fits in is that she makes cold shivers run up an down my spine when I think about her. You see, Ive got a wife which I acquired after I had parted from Laurine with much romantic despair. She is a reasonable good wife, and I have some kids which are hell-cats but I value em. If I have sense enough to leave well enough alone, sooner or later I will retire on a pension an Social Security an spend the rest of my life fishin contented an lyin about what a great guy I used to be. But theres Joe. Im worried about Joe.

Im a maintenance man for the Logics Company. My job is servicing logics, and I admit modestly that I am pretty good. I was servicing televisions before that guy Carson invented his trick circuit that will select any of steenteen million other circuitsin theory there aint no limitand before the Logics Company hooked it into the tank-and-integrator set-up they were usin em as business-machine service. They added a vision screen for speedan they found out theyd made logics. They were surprised an pleased. Theyre still findin out what logics will do, but everybodys got em.

I got Joe, after Laurine nearly got me. You know the logics setup. You got a logic in your house. It looks like a vision receiver used to, only its got keys instead of dials and you punch the keys for what you wanna get. Its hooked in to the tank, which has the Carson Circuit all fixed up with relays. Say you punch Station SNAFU on your logic. Relays in the tank take over an whatever vision-program SNAFU is telecastin comes on your logics screen. Or you punch Sally Hancocks Phone an the screen blinks an sputters an youre hooked up with the logic in her house an if somebody answers you got a vision-phone connection. But besides that, if you punch for the weather forecast or who won todays race at Hialeah or who was mistress of the White House durin Garfields administration or what is PDQ and R sellin for today, that comes on the screen too. The relays in the tank do it. The tank is a big buildin full of all the facts in creation an all the recorded telecasts that ever was madean its hooked in with all the other tanks all over the countryan everything you wanna know or see or hear, you punch for it an you get it. Very convenient. Also it does math for you, an keeps books, an acts as consultin chemist, physicist, astronomer, an tea-leaf reader, with a Advice to the Lovelorn thrown in. The only thing it wont do is tell you exactly what your wife meant when she said, Oh, you think so, do you? in that peculiar kinda voice. Logics dont work good on women. Only on things that make sense.

Logics are all right, though. They changed civilization, the highbrows tell us. All on accounta the Carson Circuit. And Joe shoulda been a perfectly normal logic, keeping some family or other from wearin out its brains doin the kids homework for em. But somethin went wrong in the assembly line. It was somethin so small that precision gauges didnt measure it, but it made Joe a individual. Maybe he didnt know it at first. Or maybe, bein logical, he figured out that if he was to show he was different from other logics theyd scrap him. Which woulda been a brilliant idea. But anyhow, he come off the assembly-line, an he went through the regular tests without anybody screamin shrilly on findin out what he was. And he went right on out an was duly installed in the home of Mr. Thaddeus Korlanovitch at 119 East Seventh Street, second floor front. So far, everything was serene.

The installation happened late Saturday night. Sunday morning the Korlanovitch kids turned him on an seen the Kiddie Shows. Around noon their parents peeled em away from him an piled em in the car. Then they come back in the house for the lunch theyd forgot an one of the kids sneaked back an they found him punchin keys for the Kiddie Shows of the week before. They dragged him out an went off. But they left Joe turned on.

That was noon. Nothin happened until two in the afternoon. It was the calm before the storm. Laurine wasnt in town yet, but she was comin. I picture Joe sittin there all by himself, buzzing meditative. Maybe he run Kiddie Shows in the empty apartment for awhile. But I think he went kinda remote-control exploring in the tank. There aint any fact that can be said to be a fact that aint on a data plate in some tank somewhereunless its one the technicians are diggin out an puttin on a data plate now. Joe had plenty of material to work on. An he musta started workin right off the bat.

Joe aint vicious, you understand. He aint like one of these ambitious robots you read about that make up their minds the human race is inefficient and has got to be wiped out an replaced by thinkin machines. Joes just got ambition. If you were a machine, youd wanna work right, wouldnt you? Thats Joe. He wants to work right. An hes a logic. An logics can do a Iotta things that aint been found out yet. So Joe, discoverin the fact, begun to feel restless. He selects some things us dumb humans aint thought of yet, an begins to arrange so logics will be called on to do em.

Thats all. Thats everything. But, brother, its enough!

Things are kinda quiet in the Maintenance Department about two in the afternoon. We are playing pinochle. Then one of the guys remembers he has to call up his wife. He goes to one of the bank of logics in Maintenance and punches the keys for his house. The screen sputters. Then a flash comes on the screen.

Announcing new and improved logics service! Your logic is now equipped to give you not only consultive but directive service. If you want to do something and dont know how to do itask your logic!

Theres a pause. A kinda expectant pause. Then, as if reluctantly, his connection comes through. His wife answers an gives him hell for somethin or other. He takes it an snaps off.

Whadda you know? he says when he comes back. He tells us about the flash. We shoulda been warned about that. Theres gonna be a lotta complaints. Suppose a fella asks how to get ridda his wife an the censor circuits block the question?

Somebody melds a hundred aces an says:

Why not punch for it an see what happens?

Its a gag, o course. But the guy goes over. He punches keys. In theory, a censor block is gonna come on an the screen will say severely, Public Policy Forbids This Service. You hafta have censor blocks or the kiddies will be askin detailed questions about things theyre too young to know. And there are other reasons. As you will see.

This fella punches, How can I get rid of my wife? Just for the fun of it. The screen is blank for half a second. Then comes a flash. Service question: Is she blonde or brunette? He hollers to us an we come look. He punches, Blonde. Theres another brief pause. Then the screen says, Hexymetacryloaminoacetine is a constituent of green shoe polish. Take home a frozen meal including dried-pea soup. Color the soup with green shoe polish. It will appear to be green-pea soup. Hexymetacryloaminoacetine is a selective poison which is fatal to blond females but not to brunettes or males of any coloring. This fact has not been brought out by human experiment, but is a product of logics service. You cannot be convicted of murder. It is improbable that you will be suspected.