Meg Cabot - Sweet Sixteen Princess

Wednesday, April 28, 9 p.m., AlbertEinsteinHigh School Gymnasium

"So Lana's dad rented the sultan of Brunei's ten- million-dollar yacht forthe night, and had Lana and her friends driven out into international waters sothey could drink without getting in trouble." "Lilly," Iwhispered. "You know you aren't supposed to call me on my cell phone. Itis for emergency use only.

"You don't think this is an emergency? Mia, Lana's dad renting thesultan of Brunei'syacht like that? That is a throw-down. He is basically telling your grandmotherto bring it."

"I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about."Because I don't. "And I have to go. I'm at a PTA meeting, for crying outloud."

"Oh, God." I can hear the soundtrack for Altar Boyzin the background. Ever since Lilly started going out with J. P.Reynolds-Abernathy the Fourth, she has gotten way into soundtracks frommusicals, because J. P.'s dad is a theater producer, and J. P. can get freetickets to any Broadway show he wants, and all of the off-Broadway ones, too.And even the off-off-Broadway ones. This is what Lilly just called to tell me.

"I forgot you had to go to that stupid thing. Sorry I'm not there withyou. But . . . well, you know."

I did know. Lilly was serving the last week of a grounding her parentsinstituted after she was brought home by the NYPD for attacking Andy Milonakisthis kid from downtown whose cable accesstelevision show was picked up by MTVwith a Dojo'sside salad. Lilly believes Andy's getting a basic cable deal instead of her isa travesty of justice, because her own local show, Lilly Tells It Like It Is,is so much better (in her opinion), as it isn't simply entertaining, but also highlightsfacts she feels her viewers ought to be aware of. Such as the fact that theU.S.'s decision to withhold $34 million from the United Nations Population Fundwill lead to two million unwanted pregnancies, 800,000 induced abortions, 4,700maternal deaths, and 77,000 infant and child deaths worldwide.

Whereas a typical episode of Andy's show features him holding a jar ofpeanut butter in one hand, a jar of salsa in the other, then making the jarsdance with each other.

Lilly is also peeved that Andy is deceiving the American public by allowingthem to think he is just a kid, when we both saw him coming out of d.b.a., whichis a bar in the EastVillage that cards. Sohow did he get in there if he isn't at least twenty-one?

This is what she asked him when she saw him eating a falafel at Dojo's Health Restaurant on St. Marks Place, and why she claims shewas forced to hurl her side salad at him, drenching him in tahinidressing, and causing him to call the cops on her. Thankfully the Drs. Moscovitz talked Andy's legal team out of pressing charges,explaining that Lilly has been experiencing some anger issues since theirrecent separation.

But that didn't stop them from grounding her.

"So how's the meeting going?" Lilly asked. "Have they gottento the you-know-what part yet?"

"I wouldn't know, because I'm too distracted, talking to YOU," Iwhispered. I had to whisper, because I was sitting in a folding chair in themiddle of a row of very uptight-looking parents. Being New Yorkers, they wereall, of course, very well dressed, with Pradaaccessories. But being New Yorkers, they were also all angry about the factthat someone was using a cell phone while someone elsenamely, PrincipalGuptawas up at the podium, speaking.

Also, of course, that Principal Gupta was basically saying she couldn'tguarantee that their kids would get into Yale or Harvard, which was making themmadder than anything. At $25,000 a yearwhich is how much tuition at AEHScostsNew Yorkparents expect some return for their investment.

"Well, I'll let you go now, so you can get back to work," Lillysaid. "But just FYI: Lana's dad had her flown in to the yacht on thesultan's helicopter, so she could make a spectacular entrance."

"I hope one of the blades cut her head off as she was getting out of itbecause she forgot to duck," I whispered, avoiding the glare of the ladyin front of me, who had turned in her seat to give me a dirty look for talkingwhile Principal Gupta was giving everyone some very important information aboutthe percentage of AEHS graduates who get into Ivy League colleges.

"Well," Lilly said. "No, that didn't happen. But I heard her Azzedine Alafa skirt flew up overher head and everyone saw that she was wearing a thong."

"Good-bye, Lilly," I said.

"I'm just telling you. Turning sixteen is a big deal. You only do itonce. Don't blow it by having one of your stupid loft parties with the Cheetos and Mr. Gasa DJ."

"Good-bye, Lilly."

I hung up just as the lady in the seat in front of me turned around to hiss,"Would you please put away that-"

But she never got to finish, because Lars, who was sitting next to me,casually opened his suit jacket, revealing his sidearm. He was only reaching fora Listerine PocketPak, but the sight of his Glock 9 caused the lady's eyes to widen. She closed her mouthand turned back around in her seat very quickly.

Having an armed bodyguard follow you around everywhere you go can be a totalpain in the butt, particularly when it comes to finding private time with yourboyfriend.

But there are moments, like that one, when it can actually rock.

Then Principal Gupta asked if there was any out- standing business, and Ithrew my arm into the air.

Principal Gupta saw me raise my hand.

I know she did.

But she totally ignored me, and called on some freshman's mother who wantedto know why the school wasn't doing more to prepare students for the SATs.

She went on to ignore me until she'd answered everyone else's questions. Ican't really say that this shows the kind of commitment to youth-oriented issuesI'd like to see in my educators, but who am I to complain? Just the presidentof the student council, is all.

Which is why, after Principal Gupta finally called on me, I saw a lot ofparents gathering their Gucci briefcases and Zabar'sshopping bags and getting ready to leave. Because who wants to listen to the presidentof the student council?

"Urn, hi," I said, uncomfortably aware of the number of gazesevenif they were only half listeningon me. I may be a princess, and all, but I'm stillnot used to the whole public-speaking thing, despite Grandmre'sbest efforts.

I've been asked by a number of AEHS students to address the Parent TeacherAssociation on the issue of our current physical education curriculum,specifically its emphasis on competitive sports. We feel that spending sixweeks learning the finer points of volleyball is a waste of our time and ourparents' money. We would prefer our physical education funds be spent onphysical education that is just that: education about our physical well-being.

We'd like the gymnasium to be converted to an actual fitness center, with weight-trainingequipment and stationary bikes for spin classes, as well as space for Piltes and tai chi. And for our physical educationinstructor to act as both a personal trainer and health specialist, who willwork with each student individually to create a personal workout and healthprogram targeted to their specific health needs, whether they be weight loss,increase in muscle tone, stress reduction, or simply improved overall health. Asyou can see"I pulled out a pile of paper I'd been keeping in my backpack,and began passing the sheets around "we've assessed the overall costsinvolved in implementing this kind of health program, and found that it is muchmore cost-efficient than our current physical education curriculum, if you takeinto account the staggering amount of money you'll be paying to your child'sphysicians for treatment of juvenile onset diabetes, asthma, high bloodpressure, and the many other dangerous health conditions caused by obesity."

This information was not met with the kind of enthusiastic responsewemeaning my fellow student council members, Lilly, Tina, Ling Su, and I hadbeen hoping for. Parents, I noted, tended to look heavenward, and PrincipalGupta glanced at her watch.