Joe Lansdale - Hyenas

For Keith, my son, and a

Hap and Leonard fan.

HYENAS

THE HYENAS ARE HUNGRYTHEY HOWL FOR FOOD.

KING SOLOMONS MINES, H. RIDER HAGGARD

WHEN I DROVE over to the night club, Leonard was sitting on the curb holding a bloody rag to his head. Two police cruisers were parked just down from where he sat. One of the cops, Jane Bowden, a stout woman with her blonde hair tied back, was standing by Leonard. I knew her a little. She was a friend of my girlfriend Brett. There was a guy stretched out in the parking lot on his back.

I parked and walked over, glanced at the man on the ground.

He didnt look so good, like a poisoned insect on its way out. His eyes, which could be barely seen through the swelling, were roaming around in his head like maybe they were about to go down a drain. His mouth was bloody, but no bloodier than his nose and cheekbones. He was missing teeth. I knew that because quite a few of them were on his chest, like Chiclets he had spat out. I saw what looked like a chunk of his hair lying nearby. The parking lot light made the hunk of blond hair appear bronze. He was missing a shoe. I saw it just under one of the cop cars. It was still tied.

I went over and tried not to look too grim or too happy. Truth was I didnt know how to play it, because I didnt know the situation. I didnt know who had started what, and why?

Jane had called and told me to come down to the BIG FROG CLUB because Leonard was in trouble. Since she didnt say he was in jail, I was thinking positive on the way over.

When Leonard saw me, he said, Hey, Hap.

Hey, I said. I looked at Jane. Well, what happened?

Its a little complicated, Jane said. Seems Leonard here was in the club, and one of the guys said something, and Leonard said something, and then the two guys inside

Inside?

Youll immediately know who they are if you go in the club. One of them actually had his head shoved through the sheet rock, and the other guy got his hair parted with a chair. Hes behind the bar taking a nap.

Ouch.

Thats what he said, Jane said.

SoI hate to ask But how bad a trouble is Leonard in?

Theres paperwork, and that puts me off of him, Jane said, but everyone says the three guys started it, and Leonard ended it, and well, there were three of them and one of him.

How come this one is out in the parking lot? I said, pointing to the fellow with his teeth on his chest.

Leonard looked over at me, but didnt say anything. Sometimes he knew when to keep his mouth shut, but you could put those times on the head of a pin and have enough left over to engrave the first page of The King James Bible and a couple of fart jokes.

Reason that guys here, and the other two are inside, Jane said, is he could run faster.

But not fast enough? I said.

Thats where we got a little problem. You see, that guy, hes knocked out so hard his astral self took a trip to somewhere far away. Maybe interplanetary. Hes really out of here, and he hasnt shown signs of reentry.

No sooner had she said that than an ambulance pulled up. A guy and a woman got out and went over and looked at the guy on the ground. The male attendant said, I guess clubbing doesnt agree with him.

Either kind of clubbing didnt agree with him, the female EMT said.

It took me a minute to get what she meant. To do their job, I guess you have to have a sense of humor, lame as it might be.

They looked him over where he lay, and I was glad to hear him come around. He said something that sounded like a whale farting underwater, and then he said, Nigger, quite clearly.

Leonard said, I can hear that, motherfucker.

The guy went silent.

They loaded him in the ambulance.

Dont forget his shoe, I said, pointing at it. But they didnt pay me any mind. Hell, they worked for the city.

We got a bit of a problem here, Jane said. You see, once this guy ran for it, and Leonard chased him, it couldnt quite be called self-defense.

I didnt want him to come back, Leonard said. I was chasing him down because I was in fear of my life.

Uh huh, Jane said.

He turned on me when I caught up with him, Leonard said.

Just be quiet, Leonard, she said. Things will go better. You see, the part thats hard to reconcile, as we in the law business say, is Leonard turning him around, and then beating him like a bongo drum. Leonard grabbed him by the throat and hit him a lot.

A few times, Leonard said. He called me nigger.

You called him asshole, Jane said. Thats what the witnesses said.

He started it, Leonard said. And theres that whole deep cultural wound associated with the word nigger, and me being black and all. Thats how it is. Look it up.

No joke, she said. Youre black?

To the bone, Leonard said.

Jane turned her attention back to me. A guy watching all this, she pointed to a fellow standing over by the open door of the club, he said Leonard hit that guy a lot.

Define a lot, I said.

After the nose was broke and the cheek bones were crushed, and thats just my analysis, Leonard set about knocking out his teeth, said while he was doing it, according to the gentleman over there, and I quote, all the better to suck dick with, you son-of-a-bitch, unquote.

So, Leonards going to jail?

What Leonard has going for him, is yon man in yon ambulance

I looked to see it drive off with the lights on, but it wasnt speeding and there wasnt any siren.

hit Leonard with a chair first, and he did call him the Nigger word.

You mean the N word. When you say Nigger word, well, youve said nigger.

Did I say the Nigger word instead of the N word?

You did.

If youre quoting someone said Nigger, isnt that different?

I think so.

Hey, Leonard said. Sitting right here.

Well, hell, Ive pulled two shifts, Jane said. Another hour on the job and Ill be calling everybody sweetie baby. Anyway, back to Leonard. Somewhere between the N word, and him chasing the track star out into the lot, he hit one of the other attackers with a chair and slammed the other guys head into the wall. Ralph, thats my partner, hes in there right now trying to get the fellows head out of the wall without breaking something. Either wall or victim.

Actually, I said, Leonard had to have been provoked. Hes normally very sweet.

No shit? Jane said.

No shit.

I dont think so. But heres what were going to do. You bring Leonard by the station tomorrow morning, not the crack of dawn, but before lunch, and well fill out some papers. I wont be there. Ill be snoozing. But I got my notes and I got statements, and Im going to turn those in, so theyll be there. And, just as a side note, I really did enjoy seeing that fellows head stuck in the wall. Before you go, you need to go in there and take a peek, if they havent got his head loose. They havent, then you dont want to miss this. Its a fucking classic.

I DID TAKE a look inside the BIG FROG CLUB before I drove Leonard home, and the cop trying to work the guys head out of the sheet rock was snickering. He looked at me and lost it, made a spitting sound, and let go of him and wandered off bent over and hooting.

Another cop, smiling, went over, and without a whole lot of conviction, pulled one of the guys earsthe other one wasnt visiblesaid, Come on out, now.

The guys head was pretty far through the wall. It was poking into a bathroom. He must have turned his back to escape and found a wall, and then Leonard shoved the back of his head, pushing the front of it through the wall and into the bathroom. He was all scratched up, like a cat had been sharpening its claws on his face.