Smith Jodi R R - The complete etiquette book : a complete guide to modern manners

The
ETIQUETTE
BOOK

A COMPLETE GUIDE TO MODERN MANNERS

JODI R. R. SMITH

An Imprint of Sterling Publishing
387 Park Avenue South
New York, NY 10016

STERLING and the distinctive Sterling logo are registered trademarks of
Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1

2011 by Jodi R. R. Smith

Book Design: Laura Palese
Illustrations: Karen Greenberg

All rights reserved

Sterling ISBN 978-1-4027-7602-1
Sterling eBook ISBN: 978-1-4027-8251-0

For information about custom editions, special sales, premium and
corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales
Department at 800-805-5489 or specialsales@sterlingpublishing.com.

THIS
Book
IS DEDICATED
to

Sophia, Daniel, Nolan, Eliana, Calvin,

Evan, Oliver, Maya, Jared, Sadie,

Sullivan, Ella, Nadav, and Yoav; as well as

Casey, Lily, Harry, Shoshanna, Elianna,

and those who have yet to arrive.

CONTENTS

Around Town

The Thoughtful Host

The Gracious Guest

At the Table

Dating Decorum

Getting Married

Pregnancy & Babys Arrival

Charm for Children

Better Behaviors for Tweens & Teens

Personal Appearance

Small Talk

Keeping in Touch:
Informal Communications

Formal Correspondence

Etiquette for the Busy Professional

On the Move: Planes,
Trains & Elevators

Tipping

This book came to fruition due to the care, concern, love, and support of so many individuals. I am grateful to so many, from those who assisted me with my questions to those who endured my writing absences.

In the world of books: Michael Fragnito, for being a long-term advocate of etiquette, and Hallie Einhorn, for inspiring me to write at all and returning for the final round of this manuscript to bring it to a higher level; you are my guardian editor. All of the editors who worked on this book, including but not limited to: Meredith Hale, Laura Koch, Jacqueline Deval, Marisa Bulzone, Sarah Scheffel, Mary Hern, and my champion, Jennifer Williams.

Those in my office who witnessed all of the updates and edits and encouraged me to write more: Marianne Cohen, Winston Jenkins, and Ellen Kayser.

To the thousands of participants of the Mannersmith workshops, seminars, and presentations with your skepticism, curiosity, and ultimate interest; your energy fueled me.

The fabulous Liz Cooper, whose interest in etiquette is ongoing.

To the reporters, producers, journalists, hosts, interviewers, Web masters, bloggers, and DJs who continue to contact me and share the gospel of good manners with their readers, viewers, and listeners.

To my fellow authors who truly understood the constraints and empathized with my deadlines: Diane Danielson, Eric Dolin, Mim Harrison, Steve Leveen, Jenna McCarthy, Margaret Shepherd, and Duncan Watts.

To my patient husband, Douglas, and my family, who allowed me to slip away and write while playfully claiming sibling rivalry with the computer.

To my parents, who have always loved me. To my grandmother, whose sense of perspective is priceless. To my in-laws, who seamlessly support me. And a special thanks to Stacy and Allen Kamer for playing the dual roles of both family and friends.

To my friends, whose support is enduring (in order of appearance in my life, beginning with the first day of school): Robin Judd, Lauren Santos, Susan Berkun, Lisa Ashenmil, Ellen Samberg, Marta Pomerantz, Jennifer Lee-Olmstead, Amy Bannerman, Michelle Dawson, Kim Comatas, Jeanette McGarry, Sabrina Brock, Michelle Hasty, and Jennifer Dolin.

To my first mentor, the marvelous Ginger Burr.

Lastly, to my Phi Sigma Sigma sisters, who selected me many years ago as their recruitment chair and set me down a lifelong path of good manners.

As I write, I know there are those worthy of being named who are not mentioned. I can only hope they are gracious enough to understand that I already hold them in my heart.

ETIQUETTE IS EVERYWHERE. It is there to guide us through our interactions, from everyday events to special occasions. The door held open for the person whose hands are full, the flowers sent to the new mother in maternity, the thank-you note to the reference for a new jobetiquette is behind all of these thoughtful gestures. It is also there to help us craft an informative invitation, to eliminate confusion at the dinner table by letting us know which fork to use, and to provide instruction on how to be a gracious guest in someone elses home. Etiquette comes to the rescue in tricky situations, guiding us to the proper action to take when a companion has a piece of spinach stuck between two teeth or when we need to end a phone conversation with a person who is particularly chatty. And it assists us during difficult episodes such as leaving a job, visiting a sick friend, and attending a funeral.

Often people mistake etiquette with rules. However, this is not an accurate interpretation. While firmly set in precedent, etiquette is also flexible, perpetually morphing according to situations and times. Not only does etiquette respond to the specifics of the circumstances at hand (such as who we are with and what region of the world we are in), but also it evolves over the years to keep pace with what is happening in technology and culture.

Etiquette is about expectations. Based upon the way a situation presents itself, etiquette allows us to anticipate behavior. Understanding what is expected of ourselves and others creates conditions where everyone feels more at ease. For example, when someone extends his or her hand for a handshake, we know to extend our hand in response. There is no awkward fumbling or surprise involved. When we are dining with others, knowing that serving dishes should be passed counterclockwise means that we are prepared to receive a dish when it comes our way and that when it is time for us to pass something along we are unlikely to enter into a collision with someone else. When properly employed, etiquette minimizes confusion and maximizes confidence and comfort.

This is not to say that one must always remain within the guidelines of etiquette. A modern bride may opt to eschew etiquette and wear red down the aisle. However, knowing that her choice will come as a shock to many, a considerate bride will graciously provide a brief explanation of her attire selection in the ceremony program. All etiquette asks is that when we choose an action to take, we are doing so with full knowledge of and a readiness to accept the consequences.

Etiquette is about our relationships with others, from those we hold dear to people we do not even know. Whether meeting someone new, running into a casual acquaintance at a party, honoring a loved one with a special role in a babys naming ceremony, ending a romantic relationship, disagreeing with a colleague, or sharing space with strangers in the tight quarters of an airplane or elevator, etiquette is there to guide our actions. In both the social and professional spheres, etiquette provides us with the tools we need to make our communications and encounters go as smoothly as possible.