Suzanne Stabile - The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

InterVarsity Press
P.O. Box 1400,
Downers Grove, IL 60515-1426
ivpress.com

2018 by Suzanne Stabile
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from InterVarsity Press.

InterVarsity Pressis the book-publishing division of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA, a movement of students and faculty active on campus at hundreds of universities, colleges, and schools of nursing in the United States of America, and a member movement of the International Fellowship of Evangelical Students. For information about local and regional activities, visit intervarsity.org.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Some names and identifying information in this book may have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Cover design: David Fassett
Images: people walking: Ricardo Dias /EyeEm / Getty Images
wavy line background: Kalisson / iStock / Getty Images
Author photo: Courtney Perry

ISBN 978-0-8308-7606-8 (digital) v3_04.03.18
ISBN 978-0-8308-4642-9 (print)

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

For Giuseppe

The path between us defines the goodness of the life we share.

I love you with all of my heart.

For our children and those they love

Joey and Billy, Jenny and Cory, Joel and Whitney, B.J. and Devon

For our grandchildren

Will, Noah, Sam, Elle, Joley, Piper, Jase

For Richard Rohr OFM

Who taught me the Enneagram

For Sheryl Fullerton

Who taught me how to write about it

J oseph Stabile is the best person I knowhes good all the way through. Weve shared life now for more than thirty years. Even so, there are still times when his actions leave me wondering if I will ever fully understand his way of being in the world.

A few years ago on a flight from New York to Dallas, we were seated in the middle of the main cabin watching strangers as they looked for a place to put their luggage in the already full overhead bins. The last couple to board included a gentle-looking older man carrying his suitcase in front of his body, peeking around it frequently to check for empty seats. His wife followed close behind, looking a bit frightened by all that was going on: there werent two seats together, their suitcase would not fit under the seat, and there was no other space for it in the cabin. The flight attendant tried to get their attention, but neither one responded. It was clear they didnt speak English, so the flight attendant managed the situation the way many of us wouldby simply talking louder.

Since Joe is bilingual I thought he could help, so I nudged him and pointed out the obvious communication problem. In fact, I was heavily invested in the prospect of his engagementall to no avail. He insisted that the flight attendant could figure it out. And he was right. She took the gentlemans suitcase to the front, someone graciously gave up a seat so the couple could sit together, and my husband was content as we prepared for take-off.

Everyone was okay... everyone except me.

I communicate well, verbally and nonverbally. So even though nothing more was said right then, Joe knew that all was not well in his world because all was not well in mine. And since hes never one to work out things in publicand Im not one who usually lets things gowe both knew it was only a matter of time.

We got home, settled in, went to bed, and greeted the next day with full schedules. But that next night at dinner I said, You know that I think you are the best human being on the planet, and thats still true. But I want you to explain to me why you wouldnt help that couple on the airplane when they obviously needed a translator.

And then my husband, who is such a Nine, responded: Honestly, it never occurs to me that I should help. I see that they are struggling, but I just dont think about getting involved.

I found myself, again, aware of the significant difference in the ways Joe and I see the world. I replied as a Two, I always know who needs help, and I usually know what they need. Im just not always equipped to offer assistance.

This story (and a thousand more like it) is the reason I wrote this book. All relationshipsthose that truly matter and even those that dontrequire translation. And if our interest in relational growth and transformation is sincere, then the Enneagram is one of the most helpful translation tools available.

I am what is often called a people person. Quite frankly, I find other people fascinating and I like them. Almost all of them. I like to talk to them and shake hands or hug or pat them on the back. At the same time, every person I know is a mystery to menot so much in how they appear, though that in itself is miraculous. The thing I find captivating is that we all behave so differently.

However, in my experience there are two things we have in common: we all want to belong, and we all want our lives to have meaning. But finding belonging and meaning are dependent on our ability to build and maintain relationshipswith people who are like us, and often with those who are not.

Some things about the way we do life change over time, but other things stay the same, and theres seemingly not much we can do about it. We are often confronted with the reality that other people and how they view the world may never make any sense. Keeping in mind that none of us can change how we see, we are left with the option of trying to adjust what we do with how we see.

The Enneagram teaches us that there are nine different ways of experiencing the world and nine different ways of answering these basic questions about life: Who am I?Why am I here? and Why do I do the things I do? How we build and maintain relationships varies significantly from one number to another. Looking through the lens of the Enneagram makes it possible to better understand ourselves and others, increase our acceptance and compassion, and navigate the paths between us.

This book will help in understanding how each of the nine Enneagram numbers sees the world, how they make sense of what they see, how they decide what to do, and how all of that affects how they relate to others. Of course, because this is a book about relationships, it wont be tidyhuman interaction can be unpredictable and messy. Sometimes we get it right and other times were dead wrong. The good news is that with the help of the Enneagram, we can all do better.

The chapters that follow are written about each number and include helpful tips for that number as they look at their own relationships. Because these chapters detail the ways a specific number interacts with other numbers, general knowledge about the Enneagram will be helpful. This section offers a brief refresher on the basics. If you havent read