Dr. Laura Schlessinger - Ten stupid things couples do to mess up their relationships

I am grateful for those who stood by me in times of pain and turmoil, including family, friends, colleagues, and my listening audience.

Thank you to my Chief of Staff, Keven Bellows; the President of Premiere Radio, Kraig Kitchen; and the special folks who work with me on my radio program, Cornelia Koehl, Michelle Anton, DeWayne McDaniel, and Dan Galanti. My radio program is the engine for my foundation for abused and neglected children (The My Stuff bag program), and Janine Holmes is the conductor of that train of mercy.

I am fortunate to have friends of substance and loyalty, without whom life would be a more difficult trial. I especially want to acknowledge Rabbi Moshe Bryski and the entire Chabad network for keeping me connected to my Judaismsometimes in spite of myself.

My editor and publisher, Diane Reverand (aka The Reverend Diane) has been with me through six books. I respect her so much that I am quadruply enthralled when a sentence doesnt get the red pencil treatment.

I thank Hashem. In spite of the fact that the mission sometimes seems too big a burden, I am grateful for the gifts and for the opportunity to do something of value. I hope I live up to Hashems expectations.

Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger

April 2001

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives was published in 1994, and Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives hit the bookstores in 1997. It is now January 2001, and by my estimation, things have only gotten worse. It is my observation, from talking to tens of thousands of men, women, and children over a span of a quarter century on my syndicated radio program, that these last few decades of the millennium have been horrendously destructive to the ability of men and women to relate, commit, and enjoy building and being a family.

This book is not about documenting the ugly and relentless attacks on the healthy expression of the unique qualities of masculinity and femininity, marriage, family, and parenting; Ive passionately done that in Parenthood by Proxy (later published in paperback as Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids ). This book is about the problems men and women face in finding peace in love in an American society that is anything but conducive to spiritual bonding and the joyful mutual commitment to obligations which are, as everyone ultimately admits on his deathbed, the very foundation of a meaningful life.

American society is best defined by the nature of its children and young adults. Our children believe that chastity is defined by oral and anal intercourseas long as there is no vaginal penetration. (Thank you, President Clinton.)

Our children believe that commitment is temporary at best, so why marry at alljust shack up. (Thank you to many of their parents.)

Our children believe that relationships are not for them to cherish, but, as slaves, to serve them; and when the relationship just doesnt feel good anymoremove on. (A thank you to their parents who leave to find themselves or for true happinessgenerally in somebody elses undershorts.)

Our children believe that children are not very important. If they were, why would parents leave, marry someone else, make new children, and not see them anymore? If children were important, why would their mommy and daddy only see them just before bedtime? If they were important, how come they dont even know who their daddy is?

Our children dont know what theyre supposed to do with respect to being a man or a woman, a husband or wife, a mother or father. There are no definitions and no scripts; not for healthy behaviors, anyway. There is hostility to anything masculine and there is victimization mentality about anything feminine; no one really needs to be married; parents are replaceable by hired help and technology.

Our children dont know how to face a future with all these uncertainties and chaos typifying our society. The focal point for the current confusion, resentment, and stupid behaviors of people today in their relationships with the opposite sex are the new norms , which are devastating.

Sexual intimacy doesnt have to mean anything.

Commitment is dependent upon your current feelings or circumstances.

Its not only okay, but necessary for you to be sexually experimental, including a variety of techniques, partners, and genders. College campuses like Penn State U. and the State University of New York at Albany now have student activities, under the guise of health, which promote S&M and other vulgar displays. In other words, nothing you do is wrong, your actions cannot be judged; people need to be free to express themselves in the basest of ways.

I think weve lived and played with these notions long enough to determine whether or not this experiment is a success or a failure. Results are in. This experiment is a failure. The reason is simple. Human beings have needsnot only temporary curiosities and desiresthey have needs. The profound human need for the consistency and safety of a loving, bonded relationship is not met with the free-for-all mentality that promises only the moment, not tomorrow.

Recently on my program, I had a call that so neatly clarifies this truth. A young woman in her early twenties talked to me about the pain of two betrayals. She is visiting the United States from Australia on a three-month educational experience. Her boyfriend of three years just e-mailed her that hes already in someone elses bed and body. Her comment to me, Well, thats okay, but my friends are still hanging out with him. Can you believe that! The love of her life just started doing someone else during her brief absence, and all she says is, okay, but the real pain is the lost loyalty of her friends?

First of all, I told her she was in denial to merely accept that her boyfriend didnt care enough about her and their relationship to sustain himself through his inner sexual pressures. I explained that when young men experience free and easy sex without commitment, just for the feeling of it, that it is a spigot not easily turned off. Fidelity is about commitment to a person and to an idealone absent from their lives. She admitted this to be so.

I then answered her question about whether or not she was being unreasonable to presume that her friends would be loyal to her because he did her wrong. I responded, Yes, youre being unreasonable. She was really shocked here. I explained it this way: You and he had no commitment. You expect your friends to react to your relationship as though you had one, and he had breached a vow. There was no vow, no promise, no covenant, no commitment. There was only familiarity and sex. There is no foundation for your friends to have to choose. They are living in exactly the same way as the two of you and realize that they want the freedom he took.