Buder Emily - Letters to a Bullied Girl

F or Olivia Gardner, an epileptic, the bullying began in middle school. It took the form of name-calling after she suffered a seizure in front of her peers. Olivia was singled out as different, rejected by her peers, and tormented in the hallways and on the Internet with an Olivias Haters website created by her classmates. Olivias bullies dragged her backpack through the mud, taunted her in school, and wore I Hate Olivia bracelets. With each incident Olivia withdrew. Wouldnt you?

Olivia considered ending her suffering by taking her own life until one small act of kindness by complete strangers gave her reason to hope again.

In March 2007, sisters Emily and Sarah Buder read about Olivias story in the local newspaper. They felt her pain and took action. The sisters mobilized a letter-writing campaign called Olivias Letters. Emily and Sarah encouraged their peers to write letters to the bullied girl: messages of healing, hope, inspiration, and understanding. Their goal was to let Olivia know that she was not alone and that she had reason to believe in herself again.

As word spread about Olivias Letters, the girls P.O. box started to overflow. Outpourings of stories, support, emotion, and encouragement arrived from complete strangers drawn to Olivia because something in her story touched their hearts.

In these letters, people of all ages and backgrounds share their experiences. Some are young, others are adults who themselves were tormented when they were children. There are also letters from former bullies who reveal years later why they targeted others. This collection of personal memories is the first of its kind ever compiled. The extraordinary honesty in the letters gives us a rare and much-needed look into the life-altering effects of bullying.

From these messages of healing and hope, Olivia was ultimately able to find solace. Today Olivia, who had fled the school environment for the comfort of her own home, is back in school. She has new, caring friends and is forming healthier relationships. Though shell never forget what happened and is still dealing with the painful memories, Olivia now has reason to hope.

The following pages contain a selection of the more than four thousand letters Olivia received. Though the letters begin Dear Olivia, they speak to all who have been bullied or who are currently bullies themselves.

Letters to a Bullied Girl exposes the bullying issue with the words of those who know it best. These letters containing real-life examples can help other targets of bullying cope and inspire bullies to change.

This book is only the beginning of what can be a worldwide movement to confront bullying and change the way people treat each other. Through the true stories of the many strangers who reached out to Olivia, Letters to a Bullied Girl proves that it is possible for a bully to become a friend and a target of bullying to become an inspiration.

by Barbara Coloroso,
author of The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander

T housands of kids just like Olivia Gardner reach the entrance to their schools every day filled with fear and trepidation, as their bullies await them inside. Some fake illness to avoid school altogether, where they are taunted or attacked in the school yard, hallways, bathrooms, or locker rooms. Others, who reached what they felt was an utterly hopeless and irretrievable point of despair, have turned to suicide, feeling they had no other way out of the pain and torture heaped on them by their tormentors. We hear all too frequently in the news about those whose cries went unheard, whose pain was ignored, and whose oppression went unabated striking back with a vengeance, hurting not only themselves but others along the way in a tragic and final exit.

If we are devastated by the final act of violence, why are we rarely outraged by the events that led to that final act? Young people are bullied relentlessly, and as most of Olivias letter writers recount, the bullying goes on without substantial objections or adequate intervention. Sisters Emily and Sarah Buder, however, decided to break this silence. They were outraged by the bullying of Olivia and refused to become bystanders. Instead they became active witnesses, standing up, speaking out, and encouraging others to do the same. Their letter-writing campaign resulted in thousands of letters offering Olivia support and hope. The news coverage that followed created opportunities for parents, educators, and students to talk openly about the devastating effects of all forms of bullying.

Bullying can no longer be minimized and trivialized, taken lightly, brushed off, or denied. Children, parents, and educators must become more comfortable talking together about whats really going on in our kids lives. In order to do that, we need a common language and an understanding of the dynamics of bullyingwhat it is, what it isnt, who the characters are, and how this horrific cycle of intimidation, fear, and violence can be stopped.

Today young people are encountering bullying more than many of us realize or are willing to admit. In a study conducted by the Kaiser Foundation, a U.S. health care philanthropy organization, in conjunction with the Nickelodeon TV Network and Children Now, a youth advocacy group, almost three-quarters of preteens interviewed said that bullying is a regular occurrence at school and that it becomes more pervasive as kids enter high school. According to the National Association of School Psychologists, about one in seven school-children has been either a bully or the target of bullying.

Bullies have long tormented their targets with low-tech verbal, physical, and relational tools; but today they are also using high-tech tools such as the Internet and cell phones to intimidate, threaten, stalk, ridicule, humiliate, taunt, and spread rumors about their targets. Now more than ever we must understand the warning signs of bullying and its various manifestations so that we can put an end to the torment

When I was writing my own book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander , I was startled to find out that many anti-bullying programs have as their foundation nonviolent conflict resolution. But bullying is not about conflict, nor is it about anger. It is about contempt a powerful feeling of dislike toward somebody considered worthless, inferior, or undeserving of respect. Contempt allows a bully to denigrate a peer and feel neither compassion for the target nor shame for harm done.