Coleman - The French adventure: say bonjour to a summer of new beginnings

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Suddenly unemployed and single, Anna escapes to her parents beautiful house in France for a much needed recharge and to work out what she wants to do next with her life now her carefully mapped out plan has gone out the window.

Anna gives herself 6 months to recuperate, all the while helping renovate her parents adjoining Gites into picturesque b&bs. But working alongside the ruggedly handsome Sam on the renovation project, she didnt expect for life to take an unexpected, if not unwelcome, twist

In memory of Lilian. Always by my side and forever in my heart.

Two weeks today will be the first anniversary of our first real date. Being wined and dined in a chic little French restaurant was a gigantic step forward; it signalled the beginning of a new era in my relationship with Karl. Even though at least half of the meal was spent talking about work, his intentions were clear we were no longer simply colleagues and romance was in the air.

Since then, Karl must have told me that he loves me more than a thousand times. You might think Im exaggerating, but I can assure you thats not the case. He usually manages to slip it into the conversation at least three times a day. The first time he said the L word to me, it slid off his tongue so easily I could almost have missed it. It wasnt a staring into each others eyes moment of discovery, just a casual love you, babe.

As the months rolled by, I pushed aside my growing fear that it was only a word to him. Because it means so much more to me, I freeze whenever he tacks it onto a sentence.

And, yes, Im very aware that my air of disapproval does make me sound ungrateful and undeserving. But its all about self-preservation, you see. Ill never utter that word again until Im one hundred per cent certain that the man Im saying it to believes Im their soul mate too the perfect fit.

The last time I uttered the L word, was six years ago. It was to a guy Id known since childhood and the man I genuinely believed I would marry when the time was right. He was handsome in a rugged way, fired up with ambition and exciting to be around. Sadly, everyone we knew thought we were the perfect couple too, except the guy in question, as it turned out.

Will arrived in my life when I was a very precocious pre-teen and counting down the days to attaining that revered status. I had this fervent belief that overnight my whole life would change. And it did when Will and his family moved into the house next door. It seemed living proof of that fact because in a ridiculously short space of time he became everything to me. The first glance that passed between us was magical and the best birthday present I could ever have been given.

As classmates, we were best friends throughout those traumatic school years when your hormones are changing you in ways you dont always understand. With it comes a rollercoaster of incredible highs and devastating lows. Dictated by important events in your life like whose party you are invited to and which group you hang around in, you need one true friend. Will was mine and I was his life couldnt get any better. But it did until the day he broke my heart.

Im conscious that Lizzie is staring at me across our regular table in our favourite little coffee shop. With the mismatched, scrubbed pine tables and the eclectic mix of upcycled chairs, its cosy. You feel like you are sitting in a farmhouse kitchen and theres always a warm welcome. But then we do spend quite a bit of time here.

Once again, were discussing the dilemma that constantly haunts me these days. Namely, how healthy is a relationship that is based on a lie?

Of course he loves you, Anna, Lizzie responds to the question I blurted out without thinking. With our first anniversary looming Karl doesnt seem to be signalling any major move forward in our relationship.

But you need to experience the pain of loves disappointments to be able to understand why it leaves a scar on your heart. Lizzie is very happily caught up in a relationship approaching its second anniversary; and shes sporting a gorgeous, bought-with-love engagement ring. Daniel is her first and only love and hes a keeper.

You two are always together and Karl dotes on you, she offers, emphatically, unable to understand what ails my fragile heart. When I dont respond she raises her eyebrows, clearly exasperated with me.

The move to your new house it wasnt a test? Tell me it wasnt. Her jaw drops a little in dismay.

I hang my head. Im usually an open book to Lizzie, who has been my best friend since I returned to Dursley after university. The fact that Id fooled her, too, reflects how much effort Ive put into making my recent decisions seem purposeful and empowering. I wanted Karl to see that I, too, had plans for the future, because that was the truth, even if he wasnt entirely sure about where we were going as a couple. Waiting around to see what might happen seemed like treading water. But I knew that deep down I had an ulterior motive.

He didnt say a word. Its a great little house and I love having the extra space, but I really hoped it might make Karl think about what he wants for the future, too.

'You wanted him to say hed move in? Or hand you a key to his place? Oh, Anna, maybe its simply too soon for him.

I feel like letting out one long, agonising scream to defuse my mounting sense of frustration. Another year of my life has passed and I really thought this was going somewhere. I hoped that this time it was for real, but as each day passes Im simply feeling more and more confused. Karls lack of interest in discussing our future sucks the joy out of every day were together. On paper, hes perfect; were probably the perfect couple. So why do I have this overwhelming feeling that something is wrong? Is this history repeating itself?

Or maybe he likes his life the way it is, I remark, trying to avoid eye contact with Lizzie as I know she has a soft spot for Karl.

Talk to him; tell him how you feel. Ive heard him say he loves you, he does it all the time.

And be on the receiving end of that embarrassed smile, the one that signals you are addressing the elephant in the room? If he hasnt already sensed my growing discomfort about our situation then he doesnt know me at all. I notice every single time he utters the L word, not for the usual reasons, but because Ive never once said it back to him. And he has never once noticed that omission. Thats precisely why it worries me.

Ill think about it.

Lizzie is a close enough friend to know thats a firm no.

Look, if this is really still about that guy Will, then you have a major problem, Anna. You told me he broke your heart but you arent still in love with him, are you?

I look at her aghast. No, of course not.

Then arent you being a little unfair, doubting Karls intentions?

My shoulders sag and I can see she isnt going to let me skate over this.

Its time you told me exactly what happened with Will, Anna. How else can I be a good friend and understand whats really going on inside that head of yours?

I gaze down at my half eaten purple berry with sparkling vanilla frosting, cupcake. Its delicious but my appetite seems to have suddenly disappeared. I look around and today only half of the tables are occupied so its not as if anyone can overhear our conversation. With that, I take a big breath and begin.