Ballard - When Love Is a Lie--Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda

Published by Zari Ballard @Smashwords

Copyright@2013 ZariBallard

SMASHWORDS

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for yourpersonal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or givenaway to other people. If you would like to share this book withanother person, please purchase an additional copy for eachrecipient. If youre reading this book and did not purchase it, orit was not purchased for your use only,

In this book, when I refer tonarcissists and psychopaths as being of the male gender, it is onlyfor the sake of convenience and because I speak in great detailabout my own relationship experience. I certainly dont believethat narcissists, psychopaths, and other toxic people only exist asboyfriends/husbands. In fact, female narcissists, in my opinion,will often push the envelope much farther than their malecounterparts simply because society allows them a better chance ofgetting away with it. So, pleaseI welcome any reader whohas experienced a narcissistic partner.

When Love Is aLie is written from my own personal perspective and isdeliberately non-clinical in content. In other words, Idon't provide medical explanations for narcissistic behavior (ofwhich there are many) or encourage cutting a narcissistic partnerany slack whatsoever. There are plenty books out there that do justthat. This book is about the reality of the situation. Because ofthe often and very deliberate - passive-aggressive nature ofnarcissism, unless a person has experienced the abuse first-hand,it is unlikely that they will understand the severity of what Idescribe. That being said, I am confident that all others willunderstand exactly what I am talking about.

Thank you forreading..

The narcissist/psychopath(N/P) is quite a conniving character. From the moment he discoversour potential, he begins to target our vulnerabilities, laying thegroundwork for his pathological relationship agenda. He reads uslike a book and then concocts an agenda game plan from which hewill never waiver - even if it takes years. In the beginning, hellwoo us and idolize us until he succeeds in getting us all wrappedup. Although he isnt the slightest bit capable of expressingsympathy, empathy, love, or any type of true human emotion, the N/P haslearned to mimic certain emotions to get what he wants. Because hisrelationship agenda must be fulfilled, he will always strive to be theultimate pretender and the best emotional impersonator possible. Emotions, to anarcissist or psychopath, are, after all, a means to anend.

To the pathologically wearyN/P, the outside world is filled to the brim with (sigh) emotionalfools that he must unfortunately tolerateboring love people whoalways want to do the right thing. The fact that he must toleratethese fools in order to generate narcissistic supply is annoying(to say the least) but he overlooks this because the rewards areplenty. If tolerating is the key to winning the prize andfulfilling his agendawell, the N will tolerate, use, abuse,impersonate, and pretend until the end of time. He may not have emotions but hecertainly understands them. After all, to become the perfect pretender, a narcissistor psychopath has had to hone his people-reading skills his wholelife, thus ensuring his ability to turn unsuspecting humans intonarcissistic, psychopathic supply. My ex-N bragged many times to meabout this particular talent. Im really good at reading peopleIcan figure a person out in five seconds, hed say with a smirk.And Id be thinking, I bet you can, motherfucker, because thatswhat you do.

After the narcissist hasidolized a victim for a good length of time, he then waits for hisqueue to begin the long, drawn out process of devaluing her so thathe can eventually discard her in the most hurtful way possible. Tothe narcissist, this queue, which is always the same, is indicatedat the precise moment that his new partner dares to call him out orquestion a suspicious behavior for the very first time. When thishappens (and from experience, he knows it will), he then happily movesinto the devalue stage of the agenda. The devalue stage is thecarefully calculated pre-discard stage where a passive-aggressivepunishment like the silent treatment among other forms of control would begin to occur. This stage of the agenda is particularlyimportant to the narcissist because it affirms that he will alwayswin no matter how suspicious his behavior or ridiculous his story.To stay prepared for worst case scenarios, the ever-resourceful N/Palso begins prowling around during this time, meticulously liningup new sources of supply to ensure that he never has to go withoutif, by chance, the tables turn.

To devalue his partner, anarcissist/psychopath begins to cheat (if he hasnt already),deliberately lies about everything (even if the truth is a betterstory) , subjectsher to silent treatments and other passive-aggressive punishments(for no apparent reason), and generally treats her like shit. Tothe victim, this sudden change in behavior is shocking and shellusually succumb to the control fairly quickly so as not to makewaves. She may become frantic trying to figure it all out,apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though shehasnt the slightest clue what happened. The N/P, in turn, willblow hot and cold, adding to her confusion and desperation. Whenhes not ignoring her completely, hell create chaos on a dailybasis for the sole purpose of keeping her off-balance and in aheightened state of anxiety. It is the pattern of behaviors on bothsides that give the pathological narcissist an ongoing thrill,making him feel alive, in charge, and unstoppable. His partnersinstability and pain turns himon.

Suffering emotional abuseat the hands of a partner with a narcissistic or psychopathic personality disorder can be indescribable for the victim and hard tounderstand for anyone on the outside looking in. Typicallypathological liars, always chronic cheaters, and entirely void ofconscience and empathy, partners who have this type of personalityhave a specific modus operandi...a deviant relationship agenda that is onlysatisfied by the suffering of others. Victims are seduced,discarded, and then seduced again... over and over and over in avicious cycle of abuse that seems to never end because, for anarcissist, it never gets old. And, as the narcissist intends, thevictim typically develops a codependency to the madness trying tofigure it all out - and around and around it goes. For me, thepattern of seduce-and-discard repeated like clockwork hundreds oftimes for twelve long years. Somewhere in the seventh or eighthyear, I discovered what and who he was a narcissist and I stillstayed, hoping I was wrong and this could all be fixed. That wasnot the case.

Understand that my purposein writing this book is not to tell you my sad tale (althoughyoull hear plenty about it) because you,me, all of us weknow the drill. However, because were not talking serial killershere.because, as the ultimate pretenders, narcissists andpsychopaths can and will seek us out under normal situations, Ithought it beneficial to share the rather typical scenario of mynarcissistic hell. In doing that, Ill also provide you tools forrecognizing narcissistic behavior and our codependency to thepathological relationship agenda. Ill present a new set of reasonsfor breaking free - reasons aside from the fact that the N is abusive because that reason never seemsto be big enough, I know. I feel strongly that these new reasons(and I call them my undeniable truths) would if there were sucha thing - be right up there in the top ten defining/indicatingfactors of true human-to-human goodness in this life. By coming tounderstand and accept them, as I did, I can promise you that anyseparation anxiety or pain that comes from leaving or being leftby a person who doesnt or cannever live up to those standards is much easier to bear . Thisis the way it worked for me and I feel confident it can work thisway for you as well.