H.G. Tudor - Jealousy and Joy

Jealousy and Joy

By

HG Tudor

All Rights Reserved

Copyright 2016

Jealousy and Joy

By

HG Tudor

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the express written permission of the publisher.

Published by Insight Books

Joy

What is joy?

It is defined as a great feeling of pleasure and happiness. This might be the joy of a child being born, the sight of two people in love pledging their futures together at a wedding, the joy at securing the right examination results which affords admittance to a prestigious university, the joy when your football team scores the winning goal in an important match, the joy of meeting up with a friend who you have not seen for twenty years, the joy of standing at the top of a hill and looking at the world stretching beyond, the joy at waking on a crisp autumnal morning and seeing the shafts of sunlight percolating through the rising mist.

Joy apparently has many manifestations. It is easy enough to read about joy, to hear it described by people and to watch its appearance on television or in film or read about it in a book. Joy appears to be everywhere you look. Much like love in some ways.

I do not experience joy.

Those of my kind do not experience joy.

Let us take each of the instances that I have described above. I know from what I have seen and heard that these are regarded as joyous occasions. I know that both empathic and normal people would ascribe joy to these situations. We do not. Understand the concept of joy. I understand how it is described. I see how it manifests in the faces of those I watch and the expressions they adopt, the mannerisms they exhibit and the way they speak and move their bodies. I note all of this in order to ensure that I can feign joy should the occasion demand it. Each gesture, each movement of the mouth, the rise in tone when speaking, the widening of the eyes, the open mouth and so forth. Yes, I see it all and I note it all. But what of those examples?

What about the joy of a child being born? I can safely state that that does not interest me in any way. Might I then feel joy for somebody else who has become a mother or a father, a grandparent and so forth? No, I do not. When I first became an uncle I naturally issued the usual platitudes that were expected of me, but I felt no joy at the announcement of my brother becoming a father. Instead it irritated me because I knew that all I would hear about would be him and his wife and how their child was doing this, then that and then this. All I was concerned about was how the eyes of the family would be directed onto him and his wife. They would receive the praise, the admiration, the questions and the concern and any family gathering would revolve around them and not me. That irritated me and I regularly found other things that meant that I was not able to attend these family functions and thus avoid the loss of spotlight. My collection of DVDs as was was in superb alphabetical order.

How about the sight of two people in love pledging their futures together at a wedding? Everybody smiling and grinning at the happy couple. No, just like above, the attention is on someone other than me and I hate it. Of course, a wedding is an opportunity to gain fuel form other quarters, cause some drama with a despised distant cousin, fondle the bridemaids, maybe even have a crack at the bride if need be, make a great speech and outshine the groom; there are plenty of opportunities to acquire further fuel but do I feel joy for the bride and groom? Not at all.

How about something which is more personal to me, what of the joy at securing the right examination results which affords admittance to a prestigious university?

When I secured A grades across the board to confirm my already standing offer from one of the leading universities in this country I felt contentment. There was no joy. It was expected of me to secure those results. Indeed for as long as I can remember my attainments and achievements were always expected of me. My reaction mirrored that of my mother whenever she learned of the latest content of an exemplary school report or the outcome of a county championship. She would nod and get on with what she wanted to do. I became the same. I felt no elation at this outcome although the fuel I received from my peers congratulating me on my results fuelled me, made me feel powerful, recognised and elevated. I was not minded to jump and hope around in idiotic excitement like the others who secured the grades they needed. In fact, in certain instances I found myself making a scathing remark that their grades were hardly something to be proud of, being inferior to mine. Their reaction of bewilderment and annoyance fuelled me in a similar way to the pats on the back and the declarations of praise. Thus, there was no joy. Just contentment at having achieved what was expected of me and the power that arose from the reactions of others, not my own.

Let us consider the joy when your football team scores the winning goal in an important match. I enjoy going to football matches because it is a zero sum game and I relish such situations. The winning team takes the points which the other side would have had, if it had won. A draw is pointless. Who wants to share? I do not experience joy when my side scores a goal. I immediately feel the power of the surging crowd around me, the grab of a friend who fuels me because his eyes tell me

HG we are ahead, isnt this great?

Yes, it is. It is great fuel. The dejected expressions of the supporters of the other team, their anger as they gesture at us celebrating fuels me further. Their misery makes it worthwhile attending the match to see their reaction. The fist pumping goal scorer who stands in front of us is fuelling me too. He is telling us, you are backing the winners here, that makes you superior. When my side wins, I feel contentment because I am on the side of the victor which is where I belong. If we lose, I look to blame others and prompt reactions to ensure the jealousy that I feel at the other side being victorious is assuaged by the provision of fuel. There is no joy. It is power, visceral and raw from being amongst all those emotions which I regard as belonging to me because those people support the same side that I do. It is a collective outpouring of delight from them, joy from the, rage, disgust, frustration and so on and because they are the same supporters as me, I can claim those emotions for myself as fuel. It is not a joy to see the ball rifled home from 20 yards to secure three points, it is the surge of power which arises from ownership of a massive spike of emotion around it. That is why I engage in watching football so often.

What then about the joy of meeting up with a friend who you have not seen for twenty years? The other person may experience joy at seeing me, I have seen it etched on their face and recognise it. I do not feel the same way. I just see an appliance that has re-appeared and is gushing with fuel as a consequence of being together again.

Perhaps you wonder whether beholding nature would bring an experience of joy maybe from standing at the top of a hill and looking at the world stretching beyond or the joy at waking on a crisp autumnal morning and seeing the shafts of sunlight percolating through the rising mist? I can appreciate the view and regard the autumnal morning as glorious but this is mere recognition. In terms of what it makes me feel, it makes me think about the reactions I will gain from later telling my friends that I climbed one of the peaks in the Lake District in just a few hours. That is what matters to me from that view. I can tell describe in brilliant and inspiring detail that view, so it draws admiring looks and comments of delight, which of course gains me fuel, but I do not feel joy when I look on it. I feel pride at the achievement but it is the anticipation of the fuel that is to come that matters. I have the ability and intelligence to appreciate things but my appreciate is linked to how I can utilise that experience for the gathering of fuel, either immediately if there are people with me, or later, if I am on my own.