Table of Contents
More Praise for Living Like You Mean It
Where shall we run if we run from ourselves? This book asks us to look anew at our models of health and happiness and to realize that personal liberation is not possible if we are not at liberty to feel what we feel. Through stories and examples, Ron Frederick walks us through that issue in a way that is simple, clear, and focused and that has a chance to fundamentally change human lives.
Steven C. Hayes, foundation professor, Department of Psychology, University of Nevada, and author, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life
Written like he means itand clearly he doesRon Fredericks book is a gift, written by a master clinician and an amazing person. His heart and soul, his humor and sparkling intelligence, his pathos and practicality, are all there from the great title to the very last word. Down to earth and with a twinkle in his eyes, Ron Frederick is the guide and companion you have been looking for. As he passionately makes clear: you can shed your resignation and vitality and joy can be yours again. And as you journey to reconnect with yourself and those you loveyou will not be alone. Step by step, you feel him with you, steady and wise. What a great book! I will recommend it to my patients and friends alike. And, whats more, I cant wait to read it again.
Diana Fosha, Ph.D., director, the AEDP Institute, and author, The Transforming Power of Affect
Dr. Fredericks wise and powerful book is an inspiration. It is also a practical guide to help us feel more deeply, face our fears more confidently, and live each moment more fully.
Dr. Larina Kase, author, The Confident Leader and the New York Times best seller The Confident Speaker
Dr. Fredericks first book demonstrates his gift of communicating in an accessible, human, meaningful manner about one of lifes most important mysteriesthe true value and purpose of our emotions. He shows us how to navigate the guidance system they provide on the road to happiness, fulfillment, and depth in our lives. Hopefully, this will be the first of many books from this gifted writer.
Joseph Bailey, licensed psychologist and best-selling author of Fearproof Your Life and Slowing Down to the Speed of Life
It is a delight to read a book on emotions that integrates so much of the cutting-edge research in brain, body, mind, and attachment. Ron Fredrick has managed to take difficult concepts and translate them into language that is understandable. This is a book for those who seek to reconnect with their own emotions, and with the emotions of people they care about. I highly recommend Living Like You Mean It.
Marion Solomon, Ph.D., director, Clinical Training, Lifespan Learning Institute, and author, Lean on Me
To my family,
By birth and by choice
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
WHEN I STARTED DOWN THE PATH OF WRITING this book five years ago, I had no idea what the journey would entail. I couldnt have gone the distance alone. It is with deep gratitude that I thank the following people who, in their own special way, have helped me make this book a reality:
Dan Ambrosio, my literary agent at Vigliano Associates, for his belief in this project from the beginning; for his energy, enthusiasm, and support; and for shepherding me through this process with aplomb. I couldnt have asked for a better advocate.
Sheryl Fullerton, my editor at Jossey-Bass, for her deep appreciation and understanding of my message (and helping me convey it in far fewer words); her excellent suggestions; her steady, guiding hand; and her professional integrity. Its been a joy to work with her.
The wonderful team at Jossey-Bass, for their humanity, hard work, and commitment to excellence.
Katherine Crowley, of K Squared Enterprises, for knowing I had this book in me before I did, for being there for me at just the right moments, and for introducing me to Dan Ambrosio.
Mark Chimsky, Mark Levy, and Mary Carroll Moore, who, early on, lent their literary expertise to the proposal, and helped give it wings.
Larina Kase, of Performance & Success Coaching, for her wonderful guidance, enthusiasm, and generosity.
The many family members, friends, and colleagues who generously read the manuscript at various stages in its development, discussed its content, and provided me with invaluable feedback and encouragement. In particular, Tim Beyer, Kim Frederick, Jackie Frederick-Berner (who also came up with the title, Living Like You Mean It), Diana Fosha, SueAnne Piliero, Sara Beyer (who also created the diagrams in Chapter Four), Donna Fraser, Noah Glassman, Ben Lipton, Natasha Prenn, Danny Yeung, Belinda Boscardin, Stacey Kirchner, Jenny Moore, and Christopher Szarke.
The many teachers and talented therapists who have inspired me, shaped my thinking, and fostered my clinical development. Especially, Diana Fosha, Leigh McCullough, Isabel Sklar, Jill Strunk, Gil Tunnell, Michael Laikin, Terry Sheldon, Maria Derevenco, John Budin, members of the International Experiential Dynamic Therapy Association, and my colleagues at the Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy Institute.
My students, for challenging me to put my thinking and approach into words, inspiring me with their talent and desire to learn, and helping me grow both as a teacher and clinician.
My clients, for allowing me into their hearts and lives, honoring me with their deepest feelings, and inspiring me with their courage. Its a privilege to be a part of their journeys.
The staff at Park House, for their caring hearts and delightful sense of humor.
Susan Schaefer, trusted guide, for being there when the road got tough and helping me be able to be present for the good stuff.
Diana Fosha, therapist extraordinaire, for teaching me, from the bottom-up, about the transforming power of emotion and, in the doing, helped change the course of my life. This book wouldnt exist had it not been for the work we did together. Her continued support, generosity, and friendship are a gift.
My friends, for their frequent check-ins, words of encouragement, and rescuing me from my laptop.
My family, for their love and support, for their steadfast belief in me, and for making me laugh like no one else.
Finally, Tim Beyer, a better partner I couldnt have imagined if I tried. I thank him, quite simply, for everything.
To protect confidentiality, the people described in this book are composites of many different clients with whom I have worked. Names and essential identifying characteristics are fictitious, and any resemblance to a single person is coincidental.
The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller
INTRODUCTION
Considering THAT YOUVE PICKED UP THIS BOOK and are reading it right now, its probably safe to say that, in some way, youre feeling dissatisfied with your life. However, when you look at the facts, they dont quite add up to a life thats lacking. Your days are busy and full. You have friends, work colleagues, family, maybe even a partner or spouse. Yet something just doesnt seem right. Somethings missing.
