Lerner - The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection

M y heartfelt thanks to the following people: Mary Stangler for her patience and support; Jason Aeric Huenecke for his encouragement and insightful perspective; Mary McGuckian for her generosity, friendship, and sense of humor; Patricia Broat for her faith in me and her ability to motivate others; Gary Seidler, the coach; Cottonwood de Tucson, who allows me to continue to create and do the work I love to do; Lois Weisberg for her unwavering encouragement and her fantastic job as a proofreader; Sam Vaknin and Sandy Hotchkiss, whose work is an inspiration; Bonnie Burg for her expertise and guidance; Linda Bylander for her generosity of spirit and support; and to the men and women who have allowed me to witness their struggles and be a part of their healing.

W hen youre in relationship with a narcissist, you relinquish your identity and your soul to them. Their seduction is similar to a razor-sharp stiletto being waved in your face: its so mesmerizing, you wont know youre bleeding to death until its too late. But its not your blood that a narcissist wantsits your emotional energy and your individuality.

A true narcissist has no qualms about taking your money, your love, your admiration, your body, or your soul to satisfy their unquenchable hunger. And just as vampires cringe when theyre in the presence of crosses or holy water, narcissists recoil at ordinary adult experiences such as boredom, uncertainty, accountability, and, most of all, having to give as well as receive. (Bernstein, 2002)

Narcissists use whatever institution is available to achieve their goal of draining your emotional energy and individualitythe office of the church, parental authority, a political party, or even a Little League team. Seduction is so easy when youre in command. They use whatever tool is at their disposal to captivate you, own you, and then devour you. And, when youre under their spell, you obey without question and gradually begin to join the procession of the living dead.

Until you really get to know narcissists, you may think that theyre some of the most charming, compelling people youve ever met. Theyre fun to be around at parties, are engaging conversationalists, tell amusing stories, and give their opinion on everything in the world. They are charming, that is, until you get to know them; thats when youre at risk of becoming one of their victims. They need you, and they crave what you can give them. Theyre spoiled and wounded children, desperately in need of someone to be in awe of them.

The aim of narcissists is to possess you. You are required to be their unquestioning worshiper and to never criticize or disagree with them. If they do something wrong, you must approve; if they detest someone, you must detest them as well. Your identity ceases to exist and you become a mere reflection of their image. You become a clone with no clue about what youre really thinking or feeling because you are under their spell. If you become involved with a narcissistbecause you are related to them or you are a friend, a business partner, or a loveryou will suffer. And it will likely take years before you know why. (McDonnell, 2007)

Narcissists are actors playing a part. They are expert liars and, even worse, they believe their own lies. Practiced in dishonesty, they cant tell the difference between their own version of the truth and a falsehood. Narcissists lie to themselves first, and then systematically and often deliberately torture others with their lies. They may take the past and re-arrange it to make themselves look good. They rarely, if ever, admit fault and they never say theyre sorry.

The narcissist has been depicted in art, drama, and literature for centuries. When we look closely at our own culture, we see that many of our fairy tales, novels, and films are replete with stories that revolve around narcissistic men and women. The term narcissism is derived from the ancient Roman poet Ovids myth of Narcissus and Echo. This story provides us with a better understanding of the inner torment of narcissists and the inevitable suffering of those who attempt to have relationships with them.

This myth describes the tragic outcome of trying to entice a narcissist to pay attention to you, to be close to you, and to treat you with respect. But Echo had lost her voice and could only repeat what Narcissus was saying to her. Like so many men and women in narcissistic relationships, she lost her spirit, disowned her needs, and surrendered her life in pursuit of this beautiful young man.

Its difficult for those in relationships with narcissists to remember that these men and women are utterly obsessed with their own reflections. And just as Narcissus would not reach into the water to take a drink because he would have shattered his own image into thousands of pieces, true narcissists cannot afford the luxury of showing their humanness or exposing their needs.

Being human plagues narcissists. To show vulnerability shatters their image and leaves them with a raw shame thats so intolerable they often react with the rage of a wounded animal. They know that people love them, but in the end it means nothing. As one narcissistic addict wrote after studying this myth: I hear echoes outside of me from those who love and care for me. But I dont hear their love; only echoes of what I want, what I need, and what I can never have.

There are many interpretations of Ovids myth, but one that particularly makes sense to me is a Jungian explanation. Analysts say that Narcissuss fall was one of necessity. Although he spent his days pining over his reflection, it wasnt until he actually fell into himself and drowned that he could be at peace.

Heres a more modern-day fable.

Desperate Housewives is one of the most popular dramas on television. One character in the show is Bree, a young woman who turns entitlement into an art form. She is a gorgeous and cunning woman living in a suburban gossip mill, and she revels in her beauty and sexual exploits. In order to get what she wants, she lies, steals, and even murders with very little conscience. In elegant, expensive clothing, she is the consummate homemaker and bares her soul to anyone who will listen. She obsesses about her mangled love life. When asked the question, Why are your problems so much bigger than everyone elses? she answers, Because theyre mine! We all know people like this; in fact, our culture is so narcissistic that it would seem that Narcissus or Bree is the boy or girl next door.

Another example of modern-day narcissism is reality television, which millions of Americans watch religiously. We can sit in the comfort of our living rooms and watch, as people do, everything from the banal to the obscene. Clearly this is a Big Brother society, defined not by George Orwells vision in his novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, but by a contemporary television program showcasing voyeurism, self-indulgence, and egotism.

Even though Narcissus and Bree are fictional characters, both have qualities that can be used to describe destructive narcissists:

Indifference to the needs or concerns of others.

Strongly self-focused and self-absorbed.

Lacking remorse.

Emotionally shallow.

Cannot relate to others in a meaningful way.

Have overpowering needs for admiration and attention.

Viewing themselves as unique and special.

Are grandiose, arrogant, haughty, and contemptuous.

Belief that they can only be understood by other special or high-status people or institutions.

Extreme jealousy of others or belief that others are jealous of them.

Pathological narcissism is described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) as narcissistic personality disorder. Its defined as A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and presents in a variety of contexts.