Marti Laney - The introvert & extrovert in love: making it work when opposites attract

innies and outies arent just belly buttons

I want a divorce because we have absolutely nothing in common.

spoken by Jane Fonda in the film Barefoot in the Park (screenplay by Neil Simon)

Remember when you were a kid and you called belly buttons either innies or outies? Belly buttons tucked inside the tummy are often called innies; those that pop out for the entire world to see are named outies. Temperaments (inborn patterns that last a lifetime), like navels, also come in two main types. They either turn inward and are referred to as introverts, or innies, or they face outward and are called extroverts, or outies. Innies gain energy from and enjoy reflecting on their internal thoughts and feelings. Outies gain energy out in the world and enjoy external activities and interaction.

The quote above is from Neil Simons Barefoot in the Park, a film about newlyweds with differing personalities and interests. Extroverted Jane Fonda wants a divorce because her introverted husband, played by Robert Redford, is too dull. She considers him a stick-in-the-mud because he wont loosen up enough to go barefoot in Central Park in the winter. By the close of the film, however, they learn to treasure their differences. After all, they have love in common.

Dealing with the differences between innies and outies can be quite a challenge. Innies and outies come from two different worlds. Therefore, maintaining a bond often requires an interpreter. Because we tend to behave in and see the world so differently, so many people have asked, How do you do it? about our forty-one-year introvert-extrovert marriage. People also ask us about their partners strange behavior: Why do I have to blast her out of the house? Why doesnt he listen to me? Why does she clam up? Why cant she decide faster? Everything is Let me think about it. Why does he always want to go outcant we stay home for a change? Why do we have to visit every tourist attraction? Innies and outies can be complete puzzles to each other.

These questions sparked the idea of our writing a book about innie and outie relationships. We have cultivated, sometimes the hard way, at least a few skills that have helped us maintain our marriage. We also researched and developed a few new skills while writing this book. Since the innie-outie match is one common type of partnering, these differences impact lots of couples. Extroverts help pull out innies, and innies usually are attracted to outies ideal social skills. After more than forty years together we know any relationship has lots of thrills and chills. Its especially important for innie-outie couples to understand and appreciate the differences between them, and its our hope that this book will help people do just that.

Temperaments are consistent patterns of behavior in people. They shape our basic needs, core values, and natural talents. They influence our thoughts, feelings, actions, and individual responses to life situations. For example, research tells us that reactions during a crisis fall into two categories: some folks (innies) pause first and think, and others (outies) act first and think later (Keltikangas-Jarvinen et al. 1999). These are opposing reactions to the same event. Both responses promote survival. In another example of the impact of temperament on behavior, studies show that innies tend to step on the brakes when the traffic light turns yellow. Extroverts tend to gun it (Zuckerman 2004).