McConnell - The Deceptive desserts: a ladys guide to baking bad!

For my Grandma Millie

Thank you for making me feel special.

Im just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. Its just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.

MORTICIA ADAMS

As children, were taught that dishonesty is unacceptable. Its usually around the same time were fed fantastical stories about fairies who snatch teeth from under our pillows, or a robust man who annually breaks and enters to drop off toys.

I believe deception in general gets a bad rap. When we are young, our parents present the world as a magical place filled with possibilities and hope. As we get older, stress and responsibility are slowly incorporated; the truth comes out, and its easy to become disillusioned. But just because Santa Claus isnt real and it turns out Prince Charming has an online gambling problem, that shouldnt prevent you from appreciating the real magic in life: your ability to create your own fantasyor bake it in the kitchen! This book is my opportunity to show you how to create sweet works of art that you can eat. Nearly every recipe is mixed with a little trickery and then sprinkled with some treachery.

I should start by telling one truth: four years ago, I had never baked a cake. I mean, I had made brownies and some cookies, but otherwise nothing really mind-blowing. I can clearly remember looking at pictures of cakes online and thinking, You know what? I should take a class or something on how to do that! Without much free time or expendable income, I started watching YouTube tutorials and reading bits here and there online and in old cookbooks. Most of my kitchen equipment I borrowed from family or bought at estate sales. I began posting anything I made online and found people to be really encouraging and supportive, motivating me to work harder.

Society makes many of us feel that there is nobility in silence and that not making a fuss over yourself is a virtue, but Ive found that if you dont do it, no one else will either! I had spent most of my life quietly waiting for something magical to happen to me. That was a mistake. Life can be every bit as wonderful as youve dreamed it to be; it just takes work on your part, and quite a bit more than is advertised. So this year, if you want an incredible birthday cake, learn how to make it yourself! Or if its deep and meaningful love youre after and you have high expectationsget a cat!

My point is that the treasures of life really are within your grasp if youre willing to negotiate and never stop improving. Everyone has something amazing to contribute, and no matter how big or small it may be, its valuable to us all.

This book represents how I view the world. My goal is to show you that there is beauty and there is horror... and if you can embrace the former and poke fun at the latter, you will live a wonderful life!

Before you get to baking, I should make one thing very clear up front: When it comes to dessert, my opinion is that diet, light, and low-calorie are four-letter words. Moderation is the key to everything, and the flavor of your dessert neednt suffer. So when using this book, utilize your best judgment.

Before I began any of these projects, I had a few things to master. If you can get the swing of this first batch, any of the recipes following should be a piece of cake!

I once followed a 150-year-old recipe for white cake and it tasted like dry, dense cornbread. So while Im usually a fan of the old, sometimes the new is just better. There are several white cake recipes in this book, but this is my go-to for a simple, moist, and delicious cake!

Makes one 8-inch 3-layer cake

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened, plus more for pans

1/2 cup vegetable shortening

2 1/2 cups granulated sugar

5 large eggs, room temperature

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 teaspoons salt

1/2 cup buttermilk, room temperature

1/2 cup whole milk, room temperature

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 375F and place a rack in center of oven. Lightly butter three 8-inch square or round cake pans. In a stand mixer, cream together butter, shortening, and sugar at medium speed until fully combined. Add eggs one at a time, beating between each addition until mixture is very fluffy.

In a separate bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. In a third bowl, whisk together the buttermilk and milk. Add flour and milk mixtures to batter, alternating in small portions. Add vanilla and beat until completely combined.

Divide batter evenly among prepared baking pans. Bake on middle rack for 25 to 35 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into centers comes out clean and tops are just browned. Allow to cool on a rack for 10 minutes before removing from pans. Immediately wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate until chilled and ready to assemble.

If youre looking to tie down a man but are too lazy to feign a pregnancy, this next recipe is an easy and delicious alternative. Its pretty hard to mess up a chocolate cake, but there are some that are better than others. In my opinion, this is the best!

Makes one 8-inch 3-layer cake

Softened unsalted butter for pans

2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for pans

2 cups granulated sugar

3/4 cup cocoa powder

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

2 large eggs, room temperature

1 cup whole milk

1/2 cup vegetable oil

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1 cup boiling water

Preheat oven to 350F and place a rack in center of oven. Butter and flour three 8-inch square or round cake pans. Combine all dry ingredients in a stand mixer and blend.

In a separate bowl, combine eggs, milk, oil, and vanilla. Whisk with a fork until just combined and then add to flour mixture. Beat at medium speed until smooth. Pour in boiling water and immediately beat at low speed until fully combined.