Willard - Raising resilience: the wisdom and science of happy families and thriving children

For my parents, Ann and Norman Willard not that you needed a book to raise resilient kids and grandkids, but Im sure I gave you reasons to want one.

contents

INTRODUCTION

off the cushion

Years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our first child, I went to the local meditation center to make an appointment with my teacher, Madeline Klyne. How on earth am I going to maintain my meditation practice, let alone be a good parent? I asked over a cup of lukewarm green tea.

Maddy paused and then laughed. Dont even bother! she declared with a dismissive wave of her hand. Let your meditation cushion collect dust for a while, and just focus on what you can do off the cushion. Focus on the paramisthe ten perfections of the heart.

The paramisgenerosity, ethics, renunciation, wisdom, energy, patience, honesty, determination, kindness, and equanimityare concepts from a number of Eastern philosophies that I believe anyone can get behind, regardless of spiritual (or nonspiritual) background. These days, words like virtue and values can garner an eye roll given the hypocrisy of so many self-appointed virtuous folks. But perhaps weve thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. I mean, who can really say that theyre against such values as honesty and patience? Different cultures may have their own ways of teaching virtues such as these, but what intrigues me is how neuroscience soundly backs not only the benefit of such concepts in achieving lifelong happiness and resilience but also the ability of such concepts to spread virally from person to person.

After the birth of my son, life was undeniably happening off my cushion, and my spiritual life had to changebut I believe it was for the better. I dove into this new form of practice, deliberately acting with kindness toward strangers, practicing patience with my family, and simplifying my life by speaking more plainly and honestly about my needs. I was following and living the paramis inside and outside of my family lifeor at least I was trying to. I also dove headlong into books and lectures about Eastern philosophy (in addition to the parenting books I was frantically reading). Gradually, I began to piece together a new way of approaching parenthood, spirituality, and the drastically altered landscape of my life as a parent.

These ten virtues might seem straightforward, but theyre not always so easy to follow in todays worldneither for ourselves nor for our children. To make matters more difficult, the paramis are often translated as perfectionsa challenging word for those of us, like me, who compulsively consume parenting books and blogs to make sure we get it all right. Thus, it may be more helpful to think about these virtues as qualities that we (and our children) are forever perfecting, just like meditation, yoga practice, or even our golf game. We are looking for practice and progress, not perfection. To paraphrase psychologist Elisha Goldstein, we can turn these values into verbs and live them.

Whats more, practicing the paramis triggers tremendous benefits in our brains and promotes behaviors that improve the quality of life for us and those around us. Yet each of the ten virtues actually comes hardwired into us. We can understand this fact in various ways: We could use the spiritual metaphor of seeds (karma) that need watering by parents and caregivers. Or we could see it through the lens of evolutionary biology, which asserts that these traits are inscribed in our DNA for survival and that, when we practice the virtues, our genes express themselves in different ways in a process known as epigenetics. Or we could examine the neuroscience and learn that toddlers have three times the neural connections as adultsconnections that are pruned as children grow. We adults can influence which networks are pruned and which are cultivated, so they use it and dont lose it, with these kinds of values and behaviors. Lastly, we can look at the exciting research in emotional and behavioral contagionsthat is, how behaviors and emotions spread from person to person through our mirror neurons and other parts of the brain that we are just now discovering.

As youll discover in this book, robust research supports the cultivation of these ten values in yourself and your family. For example, generosity rewires the brain to release antidepressant neurotransmitters, and generosity is literally contagiousit positively affects people three degrees of separation away from the giver. Practicing ethical behavior helps children build strong attachments and promotes emotional and physical safety, as well as happiness. Renunciation (meaning fewer activities and less stuff) teaches kids how to compromise, concentrate, and creatively solve problems as those problems arise. Ancient practices for cultivating wisdom mirror what modern scientists recommend for healthy brain development, integrating all parts of the growing brain in order to be flexible and agile. When we encourage our kids independence and when we teach them to focus their energy on effort over outcome, they grow up to be resilient in the face of lifes inevitable challenges.

Of course, we could all use more patience. Learning to delay gratification has been linked to improved executive function, happier relationships, and higher educational and vocational achievement into adulthood. Likewise, practicing honesty leads to more happiness and optimismnot to mention it keeps us out of trouble! The benefits of determination and grit are particularly well known these days, and we can use the power of mindset to cultivate them. Kindness actually changes the shape and structure of the brain, boasting evidence of improved health, happiness, and thriving. Lastly, equanimitythe ability to take lifes inevitable challenges in stridemay itself be the very essence of thriving and resilience.

In this book, youll find a lot of idealized scenarios, as well as some parenting flops of my own. (In case you havent noticed yet, parenthood doesnt usually work out according to plan.) What this book does not offer, however, is a magic three-step technique or formula, though it does share the causes and conditions that science and spirituality tell us lead to happy, thriving families. I once heard someone say that raising a child is more like tending a garden than creating a flower. As this book illustrates, all we can do is create the conditions under which our children are likely to blossom; we cant force them to bloom in the exact way or time we wish.

Although we tell our kids to do as we say, not as we do, we all watch as our kids imitate uswhether its the positive, when they say thank you, or the negative, when we realize we need to cut out some of our more colorful language and less-than-healthy behaviors. Research also illustrates, time and again, that behavior is far more contagious than mere words. Thus, you are your childs most important model for behavior. The bad news (or the good news, depending on your viewpoint) is that the best way to teach these virtues to your children is by practicing them yourself. You can talk all you want about generosity with your kids, but if you dont model giving and encourage that behavior in your family, its unlikely to take root.

In fact, the more you live these values in your life, the easier they become. If youre kind today, it becomes easier to be kind tomorrow; if youre unkind today, you are more likely to be unkind tomorrow. As with any physical training, we can build our mental and emotional muscles with practice, but building anything must start with a solid foundation. In addition, its easier to promote these values in ourselves and our children when our bodies and brains are healthy with the sleep, nutrition, and feelings of safety they need. Remember this when things are going south: if youre hungry, angry, anxious, lonely, or tired, your ability to be at your best will diminish. As Lao-Tzu said, Put things in order before they appear. In other words, the wisest use of our energy is to cultivate these qualities from the beginningnot just when something goes wrong. So take care of yourselfit will make all the difference down the road.