Stoddard - The shared wisdom of mothers and daughters: the timelessness of simple truths

To my beloved daughters, Alexandra and Brooke.
I am continuously proud of you and blessed to be your mother.
You bring me great love, joy, pleasure, happiness, wisdom,
and inspiration every day.

Live within the present,
without regretting, fearing,
or hoping for anything.

PIERRE HADOT

Contents

When my daughters were young, my duty as their mother was to teach them things I thought they should know. It was not entirely a one-way street, but certainly the responsibility was weighted on my side. As time passed, I found that things I wanted to teach them were often enriched by their own insights. The balance of who was teaching whom became more even.

This new book is a mixture of things I feel are important to tell my daughters and things they want me to know. The wonderful reality is that almost none of this is purely one-sidedwith the exception of my aversion to technology! Most of these essays reflect a merger of minds and hearts, and, because of the evolution that has transpired, this books point of view is wider and deeper than that of Things I Want My Daughters to Know . I have been incredibly moved by the shared wisdom we have acquired as weve matured.

One of my gifts to my daughters and my readers is my thirst for knowledge. The lives of great thinkers through the ages are rich and insightful, and I want to share their teachings through my own prism so you can apply these lessons in your own life. I feel a strong desire to express some of the powerful forces that have shaped mine. Sharing the wisdom of the brilliant minds Ive studied over the past forty-five years is deeply satisfying to me, and I treasure this opportunity to pass their words along to my daughters and my readers.

One of the most important lessons I want to teach my daughters is to grow old vigorouslycontinuously stretching their mindsand to remain vitally engaged in a full, generous, and happy life.

Your whole past was but a birth and a becoming.

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

Antoine de Saint-Exupry

When I wrote Things I Want My Daughters to Know, my daughters, Alexandra and Brooke, were young adults. Now they are middle-aged! Even then, as I shared in my essay Listen to the Wisdom of Your Children, I paid attention to my daughters, and found their company more stimulating than that of many of our friends. Their evolving wisdom and our growing love for one another is profound.

Of course, the love parents share with their offspring is a different kind of bond than that shared with a best friend from college, but it can be a closeness and mutual respect that is solid over all the years. When Alexandra and Brooke speak to me, I take what they say seriously. On their advice, I bought our cottage, and when we sold our apartment in New York City, they persuaded us not to buy another apartment in the city but to live in Connecticut full-time. I am strongly influenced by their advice and teachings, their thoughtfulness and concerns. Since we dont always think the same way, my daughters and I are able to learn from one another new ideas that can open our minds to thinking with an illuminated perspective and help us to do things differently. I have a tendency to not like to hear sad news. Occasionally, when Alexandra or Brooke has something serious to tell me, theyll suggest that I listen and really hear what theyre saying.

Everyone who knows me understands how I feel about motherhood. I loved raising my daughters and had fun. Looking back, I feel I was a natural mother because I enjoyed being with them. We did interesting things together in the city and on our international trips every August.

A few years ago, we were all together for Thanksgiving, in Maryland, at Alexandras house. As the banquet was being prepared, I was playing games with and losing badly to my whip-smart grandchildren. Brookes daughter, Cooper, was walking her stuffed animals in a baby stroller. My husband, Peter, was seated in his favorite chair in the sunroom, petting Alexandras familys golden retriever, Homer. As I looked around, seeing a beautifully set table, gleaming silverware, sparkling clean glasses, and flowers in abundance, a sudden realization jolted me from my reverie while I was adoring my family: this moment was a dream come true.

I revere my daughters and grandchildren, and to see them living so well, with order, beauty, rituals, and celebrations, made me acutely aware that now, when we are together as a family, we cover four generations with an age spread of eighty-seven years. Even though this process has been a gradual revelation, it dawned on me completely, at that exact moment, that our relationship now reflects a wonderful change, from maternal to the best kind of mutual love, caring, respect, and friendship. My heart was bursting with pride and honor. All these years of my taking care of my daughters have ever so gradually evolved into their not only taking care of themselves and their families but also being able to advise my husband and me as we grow older.

I know for certain that Alexandra and Brooke have solidly good values, and if I were to give them advice about their lives, Id praise them for their character and how they conduct themselves, encouraging them to carry on as they are doing and cling to their unwavering principles.

The times we are together are precious moments I treasure and store safely in my memory bank to draw on when were not face-to-face. Whats especially poignant and lovely is how these times together with my grown daughters children echo the joy I felt as a young mother raising my daughters themselves. Having the blessings of grandchildren is like going back in time and getting caught up in the joy all over again. The stark difference between being a mother and being a grandmother is that the mother has all the heartaches and worries and does all the hard work. Im now allowed to play around with the grands. What could be a greater gift?

I melt when a granddaughter wants to sit next to me at a meal, the way my daughters did when they were young. Alexandra and Brooke would trade places for dessert. I marvel at childrens affection for their parents and grandparents. I tried not to spoil my daughters, but when I became a grandmother I stopped trying. My grandchildren are too precious for words.

This gradual evolution from a point where we had a hierarchical status to one where we share insights and wisdom has been richly rewarding. My daughters and I are now on an equal playing field; what was once vertical is now horizontal. Together we have bridged the divide. There is a parallelism here of our coming together to help one another. These two adult women, who happen to be my loving daughters, are just as concerned that I have a happy and fulfilling life as I am interested that they do.

Over the years they have taught me new insights about their generation, cultural matters, politics, and the toys of modern civilization, as well as the pace of modern life. So often, I think of something in a new way because of an insight theyve shared with me. Their lessons are sharp, often funny, and wise. These young women know things my husband and I dont, and I find it moving that they care enough to share their education and information with us. Their advice is never demeaning but always profoundly helpful.

After all, when people love us, they tell us not only what we want to hear but what we need to know. Who knows me better than my daughters? They have the informed perspective to continually make intelligent recommendations. We developed and grew into this ongoing, reciprocal relationship that is a source of great strength and support to Peter and me. As we mature, we evolve and grow, learning from everything around us. No matter how old I am, I will always have more to share with my daughters and will look for ways to be useful to them. This balance of give and take, teaching and learning, helping and receiving help, gives us mutual confidence and hope.