Nick Morgan - Trust Me: Four Steps to Authenticity and Charisma
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Nick Morgan shows how anyone can be an effective speaker by presenting an image of authenticity and respect for their audience, whether in a group presentation or a one-on-one conversation. He presents a four-step process, perfected in his teaching at Harvard, that enables the reader to use their own personal speaking style while becoming a more persuasive and charismatic communicator and leader. The basis of this process is the fact that when words and body language are in conflict, body language wins every time. This isnt easy to overcome, because normally body language is immediate, while the words lag slightly behind, and even a momentary conflict is perceptible to the audience. The key to success is to train your body language to unconsciously align with your message.The four steps:Form the attitude and intent to be open, and then let your body naturally express that intent. This feeling of openness will naturally affect the content of what you are saying, and its that natural evolution that is at the heart of the process.Become connected to your audience. This creates a mutual energy, and you will naturally begin to think in terms of what the audience wants and needs in shaping your content.Ask yourself, whats my underlying emotion? Why does this matter to me? Becoming passionate about what you have to say naturally makes your audience care about it too.Really listen to the audience. Understanding their needs and reactions will enable you to direct your communication in mutually beneficial ways.
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Table of Contents
Copyright 2009 by Nick Morgan
Published by Jossey-Bass
A Wiley Imprint
989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741www.josseybass.com
A Wiley Imprint
989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741www.josseybass.com
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.
Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002.
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eISBN : 978-0-470-42322-6
To Nikki, even more than before
Introduction
Every communication is two conversations: the verbal onethe contentand the nonverbal onethe body language. If the two are aligned, you can be a persuasive, authentic communicator. You may even come across as charismatic. If the two are not aligned, people believe the nonverbal communication every timeand you will not seem authentic, even if youre just authentically nervous! People will believe that youre faking, or hiding something, or not completely present.
Most of us tend to think of the first conversation, the content, as the important one. We worry a lot about what to say when were preparing for an important meeting, giving a big speech, or proposing marriage. And yet we rarely give as much thought to the second conversation: the body language. Then when the communication doesnt go well, were surprised and dont understand why.
The reason is usually that our two conversations have been in conflict with one another. Our words were confident perhaps, but our body languagethe second conversationwas nervous. And as research into how the brain works grows in depth and sophistication, were coming to understand that what Im calling the second conversation is actually more important in some ways than the first one.
Were still learning about the brain, but it is clear that our normal, everyday working model of it is a little outmoded. Most of us think that were relatively rational beings. We get a thought, we decide to act on it, we instruct our bodies to move, and they do. So, for example, we wake up in the morning and think, I need a cup of coffee. Our brain then instructs our body to go to the kitchen, prepare the coffee, get the mug out of the kitchen cabinet, and drink ourselves into wakefulness.
But it doesnt actually work that way much of the time. We get nonverbal impulses for a lot of the important things that drive us: relationships, safety, emotional needs, fears, desires, meeting new people, seeing old friends, and so on. Our bodies immediately start to act on these impulses, and then , a bit later, we form a conscious thought about what were doing. Its as though our rational minds are explaining to ourselves after the fact why were doing something. That intent comes from somewhere deep in the brain, beneath where conscious thought originates. And that intent, coming perhaps from what some call the limbic brain, governs a good deal of our supposedly rational lives.
WE ARE ALL UNCONSCIOUS EXPERTS IN EACH OTHERS BODY LANGUAGE
We are all unconscious experts at reading other peoples body language. We learned this from a very early age, back when our lives depended on getting food, love, shelter, and dry diapers. Nevertheless, few of us are good at reading body language consciously. Instead, we get impressions and ascribe intent to the other person. We think to ourselves, He doesnt like me very much , or, Shes trying to cut me out , or, They really think Im funny . And its at this level of intent that most of our own body language begins. If you put together this primacy of body language in many important areas of human concern, with our unconscious expertise at reading it, you get a paradox when you start to think about improving your abilities as a communicator.
Heres the rub. If you start to think hard about your body language because you want to control it and make it align with your content so that youre persuasive, authentic, and even charismatic, you run into a problem: youre thinking consciously about an unconscious activity, which slows your body language down and makes it happen just a bit late. The people around you, those unconscious experts, sense that something is wrong, but they cant put their fingers on the problem precisely. Theyll think something like, He didnt seem real , or, She looked fakescripted or something . They wont tell you the real problemthat your gestures and content are out of syncbecause theyre not consciously aware of whats going on.
It needs to go like this: intent gesture thought words . If you try to control your body language at the level of conscious thought, it will come out like this: thought words gesture . And it will look all wrong.
Thats a problem for any leader who knows that she has to communicate effectively on good days and bad, nervous or not, and prepared or not, and cant afford to show up looking inauthentic because shes thinking too hard about trying to appear real.
THE PROBLEM COMES WHEN YOU MAKE THE UNCONSCIOUS CONSCIOUS
The leaders behavior is also a problem for coaches, like me, who are expert at watching body language and want to advise you, Dont cross your arms at that point in your presentation, because it will look defensive at a moment when youre talking about being open. If we coach you at the level of specific gestures, youll make those conscious, theyll happen too slowly and out of sync with your thoughts, and youll look fake.
As Ive coached people over the years, my clients and I have wrestled with this problem. The solution has been to practice over and over again until the coordination of word and gesture becomes second nature, or almost so.
But thanks to recent brain research and my own continuing efforts to make teaching the two conversations as simple as possible, we can now resolve the paradox with another one. This change will greatly speed up the work of turning you into a powerful, persuasive, authentic, charismatic communicator, whether youre having a one-on-one meeting, engaging in a board-level discussion, or giving a speech to a thousand employees.
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