Gill Hasson - Lonely Less: How to Connect with Others, Make Friends and Feel Less Lonely

Gill Hasson

This edition first published 2021
2021 by Gill Hasson

Registered office
John Wiley & Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, United Kingdom

For details of our global editorial offices, for customer services and for information about how to apply for permission to reuse the copyright material in this book please see our website at www.wiley.com.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, except as permitted by the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by printondemand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in ebooks or in printondemand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com.

Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book are trade names, service marks, trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective owners. The publisher is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. It is sold on the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services and neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom. If professional advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Hasson, Gill, author. | John Wiley & Sons, publisher.

Title: Lonely less : how to connect with others, make friends and feel less lonely / Gill Hasson.

Description: [Hoboken, NJ] : Wiley, 2021. | Includes index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021017320 (print) | LCCN 2021017321 (ebook) | ISBN 9780857089045 (paperback) | ISBN 9780857089038 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9780857089076 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: LonelinessPsychological aspects. | Interpersonal relations.

Classification: LCC BF575.L7 H444 2021 (print) | LCC BF575.L7 (ebook) | DDC 158.2dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021017320

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021017321

Cover Design: Wiley

Being lonely goes right to the core of our wellbeing. When we're lonely we describe it with words like lost, helpless and abandoned. There is no one solution to loneliness but understanding and thinking about ways in which we can either be less lonely ourselves or help those around us is an important part of the puzzle.

Robin Hewings, Programme Director of
Campaign to End Loneliness

Loneliness is an emotion we are all likely to experience at some point in our lives. It's so important and encouraging to see the conversation normalised around it.

Amy Perrin, Founder, Marmalade Trust

Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

Jim Rohn

Are you lonely? If so, you're not alone. Anyone whatever their age, gender, culture, abilities, or state of health can find themselves alone, isolated, separate in some way from others and feeling lonely.

If you feel lonely you are lonely. And it's not nice. At best, loneliness is uncomfortable. At worst, it's miserable and can leave you feeling desperate.

Human beings are social beings; we need to interact with others to connect in positive ways and to feel that we are understood, that we belong and are valued by others. If you're lonely, there's nothing wrong with you; they might feel uncomfortable, but the lonely feelings are there to prompt you to connect with other people.

So many studies have shown that friendships boost our happiness. In 2002, Professors Ed Diener and Martin Seligman conducted a study at the University of Illinois which showed that a person's happiness is highly correlated with social relationships. They reported that the most salient characteristics shared by the 10% of students with the highest levels of happiness and the fewest signs of depression were their strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them.

But what exactly is loneliness? How and why can a person become lonely? explains this. It explains the circumstances that any one of us can find ourselves in and that result in being alone and feeling lonely.

There's no doubt that your situation a gradual or sudden change in your circumstances can have a direct impact on the extent to which you feel connected to others. But it's not just your circumstances where you live, for example, or the level of access to services and social activities, or perhaps health issues, work or care commitments, or a bereavement that can be the reason behind your loneliness. Your thoughts about your situation have a huge influence on how lonely you feel. If, for example, you get stuck thinking how unfair your situation is, believing that your loneliness is due to circumstances that you have little or no control over, then you're unlikely to be motivated to do something about it.

The problem is that feelings of loneliness can set off a downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings which then lead to even more intense feelings of loneliness and these can serve to shut you down and close you off from others. However, the good news is that the downward spiral of negative thoughts also works in reverse: changing the way you think can lead to a change in feelings and behaviours which then generates an upward spiral out of loneliness.

Your situation can change for the better!

then explains how you can step away from negative ways of thinking and commit yourself to more helpful ways of thinking about your situation so that you're in a better position to take positive action.

A study in 2016 by the Red Cross, in partnership with the CoOp, discovered that 7% of those who are regularly lonely don't know where to turn for support, with many feeling there is a stigma attached to admitting feelings of loneliness, which makes it hard for them to seek help.

But there is support out there. There are people who are open to meeting others and making friends. You've just got to find them. explains where to find them. It will take some time and effort on your part; you'll need to be willing to meet others, to be yourself and give something of yourself.

You might be anxious about taking the first steps towards reaching out and joining in with others, but in this chapter, as in the rest of this book, I encourage you to focus on the positive, to remind yourself what it is that you want: to connect with and get to know other people. People that you like and who like you. Focusing on the positive can give you the motivation and courage you need to take the necessary first step.