Brad Wilcox - How to Hug a Hedgehog: 12 Keys for Connecting with Teens

Contents

Acknowledgements

It has been a wonderful experience writing this book, and we are grateful for all who have made this possible. Our friends at Familius are superb. We would especially like to thank Christopher Robbins, Maggie Wickes, Brooke Jorden, David Miles, and the rest of their tremendous team for the many hours theyve spent designing, editing, and preparing this book for publication.

Special thanks go out to the individuals who have allowed us to share their stories and experiences. We have learned so much from them and appreciate their examples, dedication, and commitment to strengthening families. Thanks also to Barbara and Hal Jones for their friendship. Appreciation goes to our familiesespecially our wives, Debi Wilcox and Aimee Robbins. And finally, we wouldnt be in the position we are today if it werent for our own parents persistence and selflessness when we were young. Thank you to Ray and Val Wilcox and Rob and Liz Robbins for connecting with us when we were teenagers. We love them and are so grateful for their support of us and our dreams.

Introduction: How to Hug a Hedgehog

I dont want to hug that one! said three-year-old Paisley as she pointed to an alligator. Brad was taking his granddaughters to the zoo, and Paisley, the eldest, was dividing the entire animal kingdom into two groups: huggable and not huggable. The koalas were huggable; the alligators were not.

Brad encouraged the game as they went from enclosure to enclosure by asking, Would you hug this one? He was a little surprised when Paisley said yes to the giraffes and flamingos. He was not surprised when snakes got a no. Paisley decided that lions were huggable (blame that one on animated movies), but declared that porcupines and hedgehogs were definitely not huggable. Most would agree on that one. In fact, that is why zoos have barriers and cagesto keep us from close contact with such animals.

Outside of zoos, its a different story. We all know teenagers who look and act as prickly as hedgehogs and have successfully erected barriers around themselves to keep us out. While we are better off leaving the un-huggable zoo animals alone, we actually want and need to have a connection with bristly teenagersfor their sakes and ours. In a zoo, we shouldnt try to bypass cages and ignore the Keep Out signs. In our families, we have to have the determination and personal courage to brave all barriers and connect with even the most difficult teenagers. Wild animals are best left wild. Deep down, teenagers long for connections. They need and appreciate loving and positive relationships with parents and other adults who care enough to reach out to them, despite the quills.

Hedgehogs are nocturnal. They become active at dusk and spend most of the day sleeping. Does that sound like some teenagers you know? Hedgehogs eat mostly insects. They dont have a very balanced diet. Hmm. Hedgehogs dont like being caged. They would rather be outside roaming and exploring. That all sounds familiar as well. Hedgehogs (and some teenagers) can be stubborn creatures, resisting change at every turn. Unlike many teenagers, hedgehogs are clean and have very little smell. Of course, the most prominent feature of the hedgehog is his sharp quillshollow hairs that can be dangerous when extended. Teenagers have similar defenses.

Anyone who works in a zoo knows there are some principles that can make all the difference when working with dangerous animals. Those who work with children and teenagers know there are some principles that also make a difference. There are painful ways to hug a hedgehog and smart ways. Believe it or not, hedgehogs can make great pets.

Rules for Hugging a Hedgehog:

Dont wear gloves; let him sniff you.

Take your time; let him relax. If he rolls into a ball and extends his quills, stay calm and be patient.

With both hands, scoop him up from the belly, which is covered in soft fur rather than quills. Let him explore you and become more comfortable with you.

No two hedgehogs are alike, but these general rules apply to most. No two teenagers are alike either, but there are some keys parents can learn that will help. The following pages are filled with a variety of suggestions that have worked for us. They center on establishing and maintaining communication, overcoming adversity, and building self-esteem. At the end of each chapter, you will find invitations to action that, if accepted, can help you put into practice the principles being presented. Our hope is that this book can validate the positive efforts you are already making and provide a friendly nudge in new directions if necessary.

When Brad was at the zoo with his granddaughters, Paisleys invented game was fun, but it didnt last. Our efforts to connect with teens must be conscious and consistent. Our success or failure will have lifelong consequences for all involved. We must find ways to bypass the barriers and reach out to even the most prickly teen. Hugging a hedgehog may be a unique challenge, but it is not vital. Building positive relationships with teenagers is absolutely essential and will enrich and transform all of our lives forever.

Improve Communication

How to Hug a Hedgehog: Rule #1

Dont wear gloves; let him sniff you.

As a hedgehog gets to know you through sniffing, he becomes more comfortable with you and easier for you to hug. As teenagers and parents get to know each other through effective verbal and nonverbal communication, we all become more comfortable. Parents can improve communication with teenagers through four keys: sensing teens unspoken needs, bringing down the walls between parents and teenagers, spending time together, and setting and maintaining appropriate limits.

Chapter 1

Hear Them Cry

I ts as though theres a wall there, one mother said. When my daughter was younger, it was easy to communicate with her. We talked regularly and openly. But as she got older, this wall went up. She shook her head. Why wont she talk to me anymore?

This mother is not alone in her frustration. Many parents know about the walls teenagers sometimes build. These walls seem high and impenetrable. Some even appear to be covered with barbed wire and jolted with high-voltage electricity. Yet, walls can come down, as evidenced by the famous dismantling of a wall in Berlin, Germany.

The Berlin Wall was nearly fourteen feet high, covered with barbed wire, and plastered with Stay Away signs. It was built to keep people isolated. But it couldnt last forever, and in 1989, the wall that had separated families and friends for so long was torn down. On Brads desk is a little chunk of that walla small piece of concrete with an inch-long piece of barbed wire. The concrete has some faded colors on one side. It may seem like a strange choice for a desktop decoration, but it serves as a reminder that even the highest and most formidable walls built to keep people separated can come down.

Sometimes teenagers build invisible walls around themselves. They may build them for protection, or perhaps because of feelings of insecurity, distrust, fear, or misunderstanding. How can parents most effectively penetrate such barriers? How do we talk to teens who dont particularly want to talk to us? How do we make ourselves into the kind of people our children will open up to? We must first see beyond the wall and then find the loose brick.

See Beyond the Wall

Some teenagers wear extreme hairstyles, torn jeans, long chains, and baggy t-shirts. Some have tattoos and use vulgar words and gestures. Others are well-groomed but act cocky, rude, and defiant. Still others seem distant and unmotivated. In all of these cases, adults receive strong signals that seem to say, Leave me alone and stay out of my life. We must see beyond the faade.