Lucy Danziger - The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Lifes Little Imperfections

Welcome to Our Houseand Yours

T HE SCENE: my bedroom. The alarm clock goes off at 6:35 A.M. As I reach to press the off button I think: I should have gotten up earlier.

Sunlight is streaming through the shutters as I get out of bed, being careful not to wake my husband, who is dozing next to me. I walk down the hall and peek into my daughters roomshes still asleep, her stuffed dog cradled in her arms, her sweet, slender body curled up and cozy. I look in on my son, who has tossed off his covers and is snoozing with arms and legs splayed out, proving once again that sleep can be an aerobic activity. I smile and let these two snapshots set in my memorythen I berate myself, thinking, I dont spend enough time with my kids!

I pass through our living room, where the dozens of photos covering the bookshelves and end tables remind me that I am blessed in many ways: a tight-knit family, wonderful friends, and a great job. My eyes linger on a picture of our little, gray, shingled bayside weekend houseand I think: Why dont we go there more often?

Then I see my home office desk in the corner, piled high with unanswered letters and unpaid bills and I groan. I have to catch up on those!

I enter my kitchen to start the coffee and watch the morning TV headlines. I avert my eyes from the dishes stacked up in the sink and think: I should have put them in the dishwasher last night.

An hour later, after an invigorating jog through Central Park with my dog, Im still high on endorphins as I head to the bathroom to get ready for work. I feel strong and healthy, energized and optimistic. My husband and kids are awake now, going through their morning rituals, which assures me that all is right with the world. As I step into the shower, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, Oh, yeah. I still hate my hips.

Do you see a pattern here? By most peoples standards I have it all. But even so, on this beautiful morning, I am tormented by a dull ache of dissatisfaction. I sabotage my happiness, as if to tell myself, I dont deserve all this. And whenever I do manage to feel good about myself, or my accomplishments, my next thought is: Who do you think you are?

I have a name for such thoughtsnega-speakand I had come to regard them as my constant companions. Taken individually, they are not evil or undermining. In fact, they can serve as essential alarms, sounding off when Im at risk of becoming a little too pleased with myself. They provide me with necessary smug-proofing.

But collectively, these glass-half-empty-isms are a menace that can shake the foundations of the life Ive built with my husband and family. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence that I am lucky and loved, these negative thoughts fill me with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress.

Did I say me ? I meant we . All of us. All women.

We struggle every day to achieve a happy, balanced life, yet we allow the slightest misstep to throw us off balance. And its usually the little things that knock us sideways, not the major ones. The big problems we face down with courage, forbearance, even grace.

The poisonous mind-set I described abovethe negativity, perfectionism, self-sabotage, and dissatisfactionis the biggest happiness stealer in many womens lives. Its a disease, an emotional cancer that you can, and must, learn to cure. With our help, you will.

In fact, the very process of writing this book with a coauthor who is a gifted and insightful (and uniquely approachable) psychiatrist has almost completely cured me of my bad habits. I say almost because self-awareness is an ongoing process that never really ends. The morning scene above was the old me; for the most part I have learned to think differently, to be happier every day, and to live with less inner conflict. I have also learned I have to work for my daily doses of happiness, recognize them when I find them, and appreciate those moments when they arrive.

Turns out most of the time I am happier than I think I am. Perhaps you are too. Were here to help you discover this fact for yourself.

Being Happier Is Like Being Fit;
You Have to Work at It

As an editor of womens magazines for more than fifteen yearshelping women achieve their own personal best and realize their health and well-being goalsIve learned that the little things can be overwhelming for many women, while those circumstances that are devastating on the face of it (illness, loss, divorce, etc.) may actually turn out to be galvanizing (as in, What doesnt kill me makes me stronger ). The events that most often manage to steal our happiness are the minute details that we allow to get under our skin. How do I know this? Because month after month, in e-mails and letters to the editor, through polls and surveys online, along with questions posed by readers to a lineup of esteemed experts, I hear whats on the minds of 6 million monthly readers of Self . Weight issues, friend tensions, family squabbles, money problems, plus conflicts with mothers, brothers, boyfriends, bosses, and even ourselves, result in guilt, regret, longing, insecurity, and the search for perfection in all areas.