Susan Wisdom - Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Todays Blended Family

Table of Contents

To love, courage,
and tenacity.

Authors Note

When relating the stories of peoples lives, one always guards the privacy of those who have shared personal details. That alone would prompt us to use fictitious names for the stepcouples and stepfamilies whose lives we plumb for the keys to success.

Even more caution is needed when discussing stepcouples. They exist in a web of relationships that includes children, ex-spouses, ex-spouses new partners, and stepsiblings. A slip of the pen could compromise ties that were tenuous to begin with.

To maintain the privacy of the stepcouples and stepfamilies whose stories we tell, weve disguised every significant detail. Ages, occupations, family composition, length of marriage, previous relationshipsall have been altered. However, the tales, both encouraging and cautionary, illustrate universal truths about stepcoupling.

one

Congratulations! Youre Part of a Stepcouple

Annie and Mike sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes Annie with a baby carriage.

A stereotypical first marriage follows the rhyme. A wedding comes after romance, and babies arrive later. Lovers ease into family life, adding children over a period of years.

Unfortunately, for every two weddings celebrated in a given year, a divorce becomes final. And within five years of divorcing, 89 percent of men and 79 percent of women walk down the aisle again.

Secondor third or even fourthmarriages refute the rhyme. First come Mike and Annie pushing baby carriages. Love and a wedding follow, and the happy, harried couple sneaks k-i-s-s-i-n-g in when the kids arent looking.

The scrambled verse describes stepcoupling. Adults get to know each other and build a healthy relationship while adjusting to, and combining, existing families.

It happens all the time. In the mid-1990s, one in three Americans was a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily. Some predict that by the year 2007, stepfamilies will outnumber nuclear families.

Stepcouples face stresses that first couples dont: children (his, hers, and theirs), financial support of two or more households, custody and legal issues, and biological parents outside the home. Value conflicts and different parenting styles turn up the heat.

Statistics tell the story best. Of every ten couples who remarry, buoyed by love and renewed hope, six divorce yet again. The eventual success of the new family hinges on the qualityand strength of the stepcouples relationship. And the success of the stepcouple itself hinges on the willingness and ability of the partners to grapple with personal and family issues.

Few understand at the outset how complex and demanding stepcoupling is. Mary, remarried seven years, describes the early years of her stepfamily:

In the beginning, Bob and I and the four kids reeled from theeffects of divorce. Looking back, the only reason we made itthrough the early part of our stepfamily was because we weresuch a strong couple. We had lots of problems. The kids foughtall the time. My house was way too small for the six of us, andwe couldnt afford a bigger one. A third of Bobs paycheck wentto his ex-wife, so we barely made ends meet.

Neither of us wanted another divorce. We had to learn howto talk to each other, love each other, and stay together evenwhen things got tough. Especially when things got tough.

(MARY, THIRTY-FOUR, STEPCOUPLING FOR SEVEN YEARS)

Creating a stepfamily is like building a house. The stepcouple forms the foundation. If the relationship between partners is strong, the house makes it through the storms undamaged. If there are cracks in the foundation, the whole structure is in danger of collapsing.

Each member of a stepcouple must find ways to strengthen that foundation on a daily basis. Each must commit to the importance of us by setting aside time: for making love, sharing stories, solving conflict, laughing at private jokes, and dreaming about the future. Weekends away and other special occasions are grand, but they are not substitutes for daily connection. These simple moments will renew and strengthen the love that first drew you together.

A strong stepcouple also cultivates subtler habits that enhance their relationship.

When something significant happens in my life, Toms the firstperson I tell. We talk on the phone at least once a day. Hes mybest friend.

(CARON, FORTY-TWO, STEPCOUPLING FOR FOUR YEARS)

I never leave the house without letting Nancy know where Imgoing and when Ill be back. Its a small thing, but my first wifeand I never did it.

(SCOTT, THIRTY-FOUR, STEPCOUPLING FOR TWO YEARS)

Larry gets irritated sometimes because I dont say we aboutthings that involve the two of us. I try to remember to say usmore.

(JANE, FORTY-ONE, STEPCOUPLING FOR ONE YEAR)

Why would a stepcouple need to be reminded to take care of their relationship? On an individual level, many adults who stepcouple dont know how to nurture relationships. Previous marriages may have atrophied from neglect. Depending on your childhood experiences, you may not even know relationships require and deserve care.

The very stresses that are unique to stepcouplestight budgets, parenting obligations and conflicts, and ex-spouses distract you from paying attention to each other and your relationship. However, if you postpone caring for your bond until other issues resolve, it may be beyond repair when you turn your attention to it.

Daily concerns, the ones youd also face if you were single, still divorced, or in your original marriage, also compete for your time: the demands of children, careers, aging parents, and household responsibilities.

Regardless of stress, distraction, or lack of time, caring for stepcoupling must come first. Nurturing your relationship is the most effective way to ensure the health and longevity of your marriage and stepfamily.

Yet, by definition, stepcoupling never occurs in isolation. Successful stepcouples strike a balance among caring for their individual needs, their relationship, and the requirements of the whole family. Finding this equilibrium is particularly challenging in the early years. Just for now, though, shut the door on everyone else and concentrate on the two of you.

Ive been divorced for nine months and just started dating. I knowIll eventually want to remarry when I find the right woman, butIm not ever going through another divorce. The next ones forkeeps. How do I get ready for a new relationship?

Successful stepcoupling begins with a successful divorce, which takes time. Preparing for a new relationship by regrouping and reconnecting with yourself is wise.

Two key emotional tasks occur during and after divorce: grieving the loss of a marriage, and renegotiating a new relationship with your ex-spouse. Until you complete these tasks, you remain emotionally tied to a past mate.