Masha Rumer - Parenting with an Accent: How Immigrants Honor Their Heritage, Navigate Setbacks, and Chart New Paths for Their Children

T o my family, here and there.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the anonymity of the individuals interviewed.

THIS BOOK is a portrait of the different ways immigrants are honoring their heritage while integrating their families into American life.

After becoming a parent, I searched for a nonfiction book about the contemporary immigrant child-rearing experience. I wanted something to relate to, commiserate with, and learn from, but found little written on the subject.

Yet the more I chatted with other foreign-born parents, the clearer it became that lots of people straddle multiple cultures and try to make sense of their fractured identities. I heard the same concerns over and over: I feel guilty for not passing my language on to my kids or My mother rubbed my teething babys gums with vodka, and when I confronted her, she just blew me off, saying I turned out okay.

The foreign-born population in America today stands at 44.8 million, the highest in the history of this country. And those numbers keep going up.

So I decided to write a book about it.

The objective of this book is threefold: to create a space for individuals and families to tell their stories, to provide factual information about the vastly diverse immigrant experience in America, and to share my own. I strove to be aware of my blind spots and educate myself along the way.

This book also shares the latest research and advice from experts in bilingualism, child development, and psychology. I am a writer, an immigrant, and a parent, but not a sociologist nor a psychologist, nor, might I add, a speech therapist, so I turned to a bunch of smart and accomplished folks in those fields, who generously shared their insights.

Allow me to mention what this book is not. It is not a how-to parenting manual. Though I do share my experiences on these pages, its done in a Hey, heres what happened to me way, not in an Everyone should do it like this way. My vantage point is only one of many, and this book does not attempt to speak for all immigrants, because there is no one way to be either a parent or an immigrant. Anyone who says otherwise is probably trying to sell you something (or pass a dubious law).

The one bit of advice I do hope this book conveys is this: you do you. There is no formula for raising immigrant kids or for rebuilding a home from scratch in the new land. And if this book can make an immigrant feel just a tiny bit less alone and more at home, wherever that may be, then I will have achieved my goal.

All immigrants are different. Some fly in on a direct flight to their final point of destination, with a complimentary in-flight meal, hot napkin, and a movie selection. Others cross over with a coyote and contraceptives or languish in refugee camps in another nation. Some stay; some get detained; others get deported.

I came to America as a thirteen-year-old refugee, fleeing the tanking economy of the former Soviet Union and religious persecution. For generations, my ancestors were permitted to live in certain towns but not in others, often denied employment and schooling because of their beliefs and non-Slavic looks. From Belarus to Ukraine, my relatives have perished in the Holocaust and were targeted by pogroms well before then. After immigrating, I tasted culture shock and poverty.

At the same time, millions of others seeking refuge on Americas shores have endured unspeakably more difficult circumstances than I have. Many of my experiences were shaped by the color of my skin and by my documented status, as well as by US foreign policy, which at the time favored exiles from communist nations. This is a critical point to mention, because race and racialization affect immigrants and, subsequently, their languages, their parenting choices, and the ability to provide for their families.

While working on this manuscript, I learned a tremendous amount about the tapestry of cultures making up America today. I was moved by the relentless optimism and dreams every individual I spoke with had shared with me, as well as by the hardships many have endured. I came away from my research with more humility and gratitude than ever before.

I made a few observations too. First, despite the unique challenges immigrants confront, our aspirations arent all that different from those of our native-born peers. They are the essence of our shared humanity. We want to fit in, and we want our children to grow up safe, happy, and successful. We want to be treated as equals at work, at schools, and in our neighborhoods and not have to prove our worthiness every day. Okay, so maybe we also want our brood to speak a foreign language or two, eat lots of dumplings, celebrate all the festivals, and declare a practical college major. Yet, as these pages will show, things dont always pan out how we expect them to, especially when raising children.

Also, many adversities I heard about werent necessarily rooted in immigration. They were the universal stuff of life: overbearing relatives, fertility challenges, broken engagements, dating horror stories, colicky babies. We are not an outlandish mob of aliens, after all.

The book is divided into fourteen chapters, including an introduction, with each subsequent chapter exploring a distinct stage of the parenting journey. I conducted more than sixty interviews between 2017 and 2020, speaking to some individuals over a period of time. A little under half of the interviews were conducted in person, with the rest done by phone, video, and, in several cases, via email and online messaging platforms. I interviewed immigrants and their families living in fourteen different states and speaking eighteen languages other than English as their family language. In doing so, I attempted to include residents of all major US regions and key language groups spoken in this country today. Despite my best efforts, its impossible to capture every language and every truth, though I tried to be as representative as possible.

Given the US government rhetoric and policies that have demonized immigrants in recent years, I sought to dispel myths and treat each persons narrative with the sensitivity it deserves. I am endlessly grateful to the many people who spoke with me for this project, including those whove opened up their homes, workplaces, and houses of worship and let me tag along during playground outings and piano lessons. Without them, this book would not have been possible.

San Francisco Bay Area, 2020

What for will you need old feather beds? Dont you know its always summer in America? And in the new golden country, where milk and honey flows free in the streets, youll have new golden dishes to cook in, and not weigh yourself down with your old pots and pans.

ANZIA YEZIERSKA , Bread Givers

WHEN CHRISTMAS ROLLS AROUND, just about every child around me puts on an adorable fluffy dress or a sweater vest, sits on Santas lap, and sings carols from memory. Even my quiet California town, where the speed limit is capped at twenty-five miles per hour, draws visitors from all over to stroll through its Christmas Tree Lane, a spectacular show of lights. By city hall, tap dancers dressed like Christmas trees shimmy to Santa Claus Is Comin to Town as the townsfolk cheer them on.

Like the neighbors, I get misty when I hear the Silent Night melody on the radio. I dress my children in outfits of red and green and invite their friends over for cookie-decorating parties. Holiday music plays on repeat in our home, and the scent of yuletide and sparkling cranberry candles wafts through the living room.