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Josh Levs - All In: How Our Work-First Culture Fails Dads, Families, and Businesses--And How We Can Fix It Together

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All In: How Our Work-First Culture Fails Dads, Families, and Businesses--And How We Can Fix It Together
Author:
Josh Levs
Publisher:
HarperCollins
Genre:
Books / Home and family
Year:
2015
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When journalist Josh Levs was denied fair parental leave by his employer after his child was born, he fought backand won. Since then, hes become an advocate for modern families and working fathers. In All In, he explores the changing face of fatherhood and what it means for our individual lives, families, workplaces, and society.

Fatherhood today is far different from previous generations. Stay-at-home dads are increasingly common, and growing numbers of men are working part-time or flextime schedules to spend more time with their children. Even the traditional breadwinner-dad is being transformed. Dads today are more emotionally and physically involved on the home front. They are all in andlike mothersthey are struggling with work-life balance and doing it all.

Journalist and dad columnist Josh Levs explains that despite these unprecedented changes, our laws, corporate policies, and gender-based expectations in the workplace remain rigid. They are preventing both women and men from living out the equality we believe inand hurting businesses in the process. Women have done a great job of speaking out about this, Levswhose fight for parental leave made front page news across the countryargues. Its now time for men to join in.

Combining Levs personal experiences with investigative reporting and frank conversations with fathers about everything from work life to money to sex, All In busts popular myths, lays out facts, uncovers the forces holding all of us back, and shows how we can all join together to change them.

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Dedication

To M, who opened me to love and is the ultimate partner on the
ultimate journey; and to R, J, and A, each a Big Bang of your own,
the loves of our life.

Contents

Guide

Introduction

I t starts the second our kids are born. We join the revolution that is reshaping parenting in America. The roles of moms and dads have stretched out, becoming busier, more varied, and more complex than ever before. Men and women are sharing child rearing and household responsibilities, supporting each others careers, making financial decisions together, and building futures as partners. Were engaged in all aspects of family life.

Dads are not down the hall with a pipe in their mouth, the Don Draper type, like my father was, says Doug French, who has two sons. My father is still freaked out that I watched both my children emerge. He cant fathom that!

But the structures that shape our family lives remain rigid. Its an astounding disconnect. Our laws, corporate policies, and gender-based expectations in the workplace are straight out of the 1950s. And theyre taking a hell of a toll, preventing us from living out the equality we believe in. Millions of stay-at-home moms want to get back to work and advance their careers. Millions of working dads want more time at home to raise their kids. But society doesnt allow it. Its boxing us in.

When dads try to take paternity leave, theyre often rebuffed. When they manage to take it or pursue a flexible schedule, many get punished. Men face derision, demotions, and even loss of their jobs when they make family a priority. Women, meanwhile, often face the opposite pressure. Theyre punished for working full-time by bosses or coworkers who think they should be home more. It is shocking how many policies still discriminate, says Keith Cunningham-Parmeter, one of the top attorneys fighting to end such policies. Its like the Wild West days.

Todays gender-discrimination polices women into caregiving roles and men out of them, says attorney Joan Williams of the Center for WorkLife Law, another leading warrior in the effort to break out of these structures. Men are being policed into a very specific form of masculinity.

Why the disconnect? Why hasnt the corporate world kept up with American family life? Because the people in power are often oblivious to the realities of modern families. Most executives are men who acknowledge they dont make family a priority. Few women make it to the executive suites, and those who do are less likely to have children than their male counterparts. The vast majority of top executives see work-family conflicts as primarily a womens problem, a recentand, sadly, completely unsurprisingstudy found.

Its a vicious cycle. People who dont have a family or make it a priority are rewarded in the workplace. They rise to positions of power. They, then, are responsible for the rules and culture.

In the pages ahead, youll learn the story of a dad who took off just three days after his daughter was born in an emergency situation. When he returned to work, his boss rebuked him. That boss was a pregnant woman. Youll hear about the case of a lawyer who was a star at his firm until his pregnant wife attempted suicide. He took time off to be a caregiver and, when he came back, was insulted for it. He lost opportunities and was soon fired. Youll read about a teacher who decided to take two years off to care for his baby without losing his job, since his contract said any teacher could. But then his bosses said, Oops. We only meant for that to apply to women. Youll also learn about the case of a state trooper who was refused the time off he was legally entitled to because, according to his boss, women are supposed to do the caregiving unless they are in a coma or dead.

This isnt discrimination against men. Its discrimination against men and women. These one-size-fits-all presumptions take choices away. Moms end up doing more at home, dads do more at work, and the time warp of the American workplace remains alive and well. Often, moms dont even go back to work or dont get the chance to pursue professional opportunities, because their husbands arent allowed basic flexibility.

In her book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, which launched a movement, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg calls on women to lean in, to press harder to break into leadership roles and build a fulfilling professional and personal life. When she and I sat down at her offices in Menlo Park, California, to speak for this book, we agreed: These structures must change so that men and women have the chance to be all in both at work and at home. The laws are really important, so we give equal maternity and paternity leave, she said of Facebook.

Its time for corporate America to follow this and other examples, time to honor the gender equality it professes to believe in. We talk a good game about family values in this country, but our laws, policies, and stigmas prove that we dont adequately value families. And you cant value families without valuingequallydaughters and sons, mothers and fathers.

As youll see in this book, it isnt just good for families. Its good for business, and critical for advancing the American economy. The World Economic Forum traces a relationship between gender equality and a strong economy, explaining: Countries and companies can be competitive only if they develop, attract and retain the best talent, both male and female. Coming up, youll see my proposal for taking a big leap forward by lowering U.S. taxes.

We can fix these problems plaguing our society. Through simple steps, we can create big solutions. As youll see, my experience proves it.

This requires men joining hands with women in the battlesomething many women have been calling for. Why do we continue to focus on this as a womens issue, when the evidence makes it so clear that its shared by men? NYU sociologist Kathleen Gerson asked in a Bloomberg Businessweek article on the balance between work and home life.

Actress Emma Watson, known worldwide for having played Hermione in the Harry Potter films, took this same call and made it a global one. At the United Nations, she delivered an address announcing the program HeForShe, a solidarity movement for gender equality. She said:

How can we affect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feel welcome to participate in the conversation? MenI would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue too.

Because to date, Ive seen my fathers role as a parent being valued less by society despite my needing his presence as a child as much as my mothers. Ive seen young men suffering from mental illness unable to ask for help for fear it would make them look less macho.... Ive seen men made fragile and insecure by a distorted sense of what constitutes male success. Men dont have the benefits of equality either. We dont often talk about men being imprisoned by gender stereotypes, but I can see that that they are and that when they are free, things will change for women as a natural consequence.

Thats where this book comes in. Its the result of more than 150 hours of interviews, in which men from all walks of life open up. They divulge their struggles to find balance, and their thoughts on all the issues that play into the fight for gender equality: work, home life, money, male privilege, female gatekeeping, and a lot more.

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