Eleanor Roosevelt - Eleanor Roosevelts Book of Common Sense Etiquette

Eleanor Roosevelts Book of Common Sense Etiquette

Eleanor Roosevelt

Contents

Introduction

I. Guides from the Past

1. Manners of Other Days

II. The Family at Home

2. The Family of Two

3. The Expanding Family

4. The Family of Three Generations

5. Servants in the Home

6. The Family Entertains

7. Living Alone and Sharing

III. The Family in the Community

8. The Nature of Community

9. Getting Acquainted

10. The Family Is Entertained

11. Here and There in the Community

12. Keeping Up with the Joneses

IV. The Family Travels

13. Keep to the Right

14. Train, Bus, Plane, and Ship

15. When In Rome Do as Rome Does

16. Tipping in America and at Sea

V. Special Events

17. Welcoming the New Arrival

18. Debuts

19. Engagements

20. Showers, Anniversaries, and Surprise Parties

21. Weddings

22. Separation, Divorce, and Second Marriage

23. Funerals

VI. Office Etiquette

24. Company Manners

25. The Employer, the Executive, and the Staff

VII Some Special People

26 V.I.P.s

27 Thirteen to Nineteen (Teen Agers)

28 The Handicapped

VIII. Communication

29 The Importance of Communication

30 Conversation

31 The Telephone

32 Correspondence

IX Showing Your Colors

33 Patriotism, the Flag, and the National Anthem

Booklist

Introduction

I HAVE UNDERTAKEN the writing of this book because I believe that a code of social conduct should emphasize somewhat more important matters than those which have often dominated the codes of former days.

Etiquette, from my point of view, is not just a matter of knowing how a lunch or dinner should be served, or what the proper behavior is in this or that situation. There are many correct ways of behaving in almost any situation, and many proper ways of doing those things for which there are precise rules in formal etiquette books. But the basis of all good human behavior is kindness. If you really act toward people in your home and out of it with kindness you will never go far wrong.

Yet the formal rules have, and always have had, a signal usefulness, and are worthy of respectful attention. Fortunately they are less stringent than they once were. Yet even though we have renounced some of them we ought not to belittle the impulse that brought them into being, for it is the very essence of mans desire to achieve self-respect and dignity.

In many cases not only kindness but morality and law are combined in our rules of etiquette. One of the best examples of this that I know is in the rules for proper driving. Traffic laws, common decency, kindness, and etiquette almost always coincide when you are at the wheel of an automobile. So it is also in other matters.

Two of the most important advantages of knowing the conventional rules of behavior, it seems to me, are these: that knowledge of them gives the shy person a feeling of assurance, confidence, and ease when meeting, entertaining, or being entertained by others, and that the rules are always there and sometimes become useful shields against difficult situations. Many a rule of strict convention has been quite properly ignored under some circumstances by the finest young people (and older ones, too, for that matter). But there are times when one is glad to be able to fall back on the old dictates of the social arbiters and so escape a situation that might be embarrassing or even harmful.

I hope that this book will help to give a sense of confidence to young people who want to be friendly and hospitable whether living in the United States or visiting in other countries. At home the problems are perhaps slightly easier to meet, though it may take a little courage to realize that good manners demand that you behave in a natural way, that unless they are based in sincere goodwill they are meaningless, that when you invite people into your home your greatest courtesy is to give them the warmth of your friendliness rather than elaborate entertainment which is beyond your means, and that you are not worried if your ways are different from those of others, so long as there is no pretension and only kindliness in what you offer.

If you are abroad you have a greater responsibility. No matter where you go or how you go there you cannot escape your role as an ambassador for democracy, the political and spiritual philosophy of your country.

Democracy is a way of life, and ours is a representative Republic evolved by the people. It means living, without resort to violence, under the law established by the people. It means the willingness to abide by a majority decision. Its basis is a belief in the value of each individual. We who are democrats believe that, regardless of race, creed, or color, every human being has within him a spark of the divine, and this is what makes the individual so important that the government is his servant, in contrast to the Communist belief that individuals matter little; that they are of value simply as they serve the state.

When we are representatives of our beliefs in foreign lands it is all the more important that we show consideration and understanding of the customs and the beliefs of the people among whom we live, for to do otherwise is to negate the very principles of the democratic way of life.

I hope that you will find in this book the answer to any question of etiquette, however unexpected or unusual. I urge you to learn to know the rules of social usage and to follow them when to do so constitutes kindness. If ever you find yourself in a situation in which following a formal rule would be manifestly unkind, forget it, and be kind instead.

Eleanor Roosevelt

NEW YORK, APRIL, 1962.

I

GUIDES FROM THE PAST

Manners of Other Days

ETIQUETTE IS A FRENCH word which means ticket or label. During the reign of Louis XIV (16431715) the functions at the French Court were so elaborate that it became necessary to give every visitor a ticket (une tiquette ) on which were listed the formalities he was expected to observe. Thus, his behavior, if correct, was according to the ticket. It is in this sense that we have taken the word into English and it has come to mean a code of conduct or behavior that is considered socially correct.

But long before the French Court in all its complexity adopted this device, in fact long before Western civilization came into being, ancient philosophers were concerned with mans conduct in relation to his fellows. No people have ever paid closer attention to the matter of formal courtesy than the ancient Chinese. The Li Ki, compiled by Confucius over twenty-five hundred years ago, says, Of all the methods for the ordering of man, there is none more urgent than the use of ceremonies. Yet Confucius, who was a stickler for the proprieties of social custom, cautioned against letting behavior become too elaborate. In this matter of rituals and ceremonies, he wrote, rather than be extravagant, be simple.

There are numerous other examples from the Chinese, many of which are so solidly founded in common sense that they apply today. For example, Chuang Tse (fifth century B.C. ) said simply: If you are always offending others by your superiority, you will come to grief. Trying to make the customs of Chu succeed in Lu is like pushing a boat on land. To Chuang Tse society was an agreement between a certain number of families and individuals to abide by certain customs.