Andrea Brandt - 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness (8 Keys to Mental Health): Strategies for Transforming Your Relationships for Greater Authenticity and Joy

8 KEYS TO ELIMINATING
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS

STRATEGIES FOR TRANSFORMING
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS FOR GREATER
AUTHENTICITY AND JOY

ANDREA BRANDT

FOREWORD BY BABETTE ROTHSCHILD

W. W. Norton & Company

New York London

To my clients, past and present, who have inspired me
with their courage, growth, and transformation.

To my husband, JPyour love, encouragement, and
support make all things possible.

Contents

W e tend to use the term passive-aggressive quite liberally to describe behavior that we find annoying in others. Oh, he is being so passive-aggressive! More accurately, passive-aggressiveness describes a variety of behaviors that range from the merely meekly non-assertive to the outright hostile. For little understood reasons, of all human traits and behaviors, passive-aggressiveness is, for most of us, one of the most difficult to deal with. We are exposed to some degree of passive-aggressiveness on a daily basis. It permeates all types and levels of relationships as well as communication in both personal and professional settings. Most of us are familiar with it, whether it is ingrained in our own behavior or a feature of the behavior of those around us. In some families it can be a tradition, in some organizations it can be protocol, and in some settings, it can even be the norm rather than the exception, wreaking havoc on the most basic of interactions and relationships. It can become an ingrained behavioral style in someone, not because of an intention to be difficult or evasive, but because that is exactly how many people learn they can (and in some cases, should ) get their needs met. Passive-aggressiveness is truly a difficult and complex mechanism.

Fortunately, Andrea Brandt is up to the task of tackling such a challenging issue. I first approached her to write a book for the 8 Keys to Mental Health Series because I knew her fine reputation as a specialist in anger management. She is a sought-after expert and has appeared on numerous talk shows. She has decades of experience working with and teaching people to better acknowledge and more effectively express their anger. Rather than judging passive-aggressive people, she has identified that passive-aggressiveness is a cultural dilemma that grows from societys taboos against anger itself. Because anger is not widely accepted within our friend networks, families, and professional groups, indirect communication becomes the more familiar strategy for many people.

While many will malign those who use passive-aggressiveness as their communicative mode of choice, Brandt takes a compassionate view of the dilemma of the passive-aggressive person, puts her arm around their shoulder, and shows them ways they can more effectively say what they think and get what they need. First Brandt deftly identifies and defines the characteristics of passive-aggressiveness using clear examples that readers will find familiar. Then she offers 8 keys for changing the pattern into one of effective communication and assertiveness. Through engaging, illustrative case examples and exercises that teach insight and useful skills, you will learn how to use clear communication and effective assertiveness to replace the habit of passive-aggressiveness. Friends, loved ones, and colleagues of passive-aggressive individuals will also be helped to better manage and respond in frustrating and aggravating situations. Throughout the book, Brandt connects the most relevant dotsbody/mind, mindfulness, boundaries, emotions, and thoughtsto present a truly holistic approach to changing passive-aggressive patterns. With every page I found myself feeling more compassion and kindness toward my own patterns of passive-aggressiveness and the passive-aggressiveness I encounter from others, while gaining a better supply of tools for dealing with those difficult encounters.

Readers will find 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness engaging, accessible, enlightening, and comforting. It is written to those who are prone to this behavior, and will help them as well as those in their sphere. It is a welcome addition to the 8 Keys to Mental Health Series, with a writing style that is immensely accessible and inviting. I felt cared for, understood, relevantly informed, and helped. I believe you will feel the same!

S arah drove home from work thinking excitedly about the weekend she and her husband, Tom, had planned. They were going to drive up to the mountains to spend a leisurely and hopefully romantic couple of days. Exhausted from working overtime on a deadline the previous few weeks, Sarah was really looking forward to getting away with Tom.

When she walked into the house, she found a note from Tom that read, At Jims. Back later. Sarah started packing and waited for Tom to get home. As the hours passed, Sarah became more and more angry. They had talked about leaving before 8 p.m. so they could wake up Saturday at the resort and have the full weekend ahead of them.

Finally, around 11 p.m., Tom strolled in as if nothing were going on. At the beginning of their marriage, Sarah would have confronted him in a situation like this, but she had learned that if she got angry he would just walk away. She reminded him as calmly as she could about their plans. He simply shrugged his shoulders. Something important came up, he said. We can leave in the morning, if you really have your heart set on the trip.

To Sarah, his words were like a slap in the face. She could hear herself using the same explanation when business kept her away from home, and she wondered if Tom was needling her. She swallowed her anger and her hurt. Well, I dont want to interfere, if you have something so important to do, she said. If you need time to take care of it, I suppose we can cancel our plans.

Now lets look at Toms side of the story.

Tom was home earlier than Sarahwasnt that always the way? Her job was much more important than his, and she made significantly more money. Tom insisted that he wasnt upset by that difference, but it got to him that Sarah was never home. For the last five or six weeks hed hardly seen her, and now, the first weekend shed had any time for him, she wanted to run off to some fancy resort that shed have to pay for. Tom really didnt want to go, but he hated to say no to her. It was her money, after all.

He looked around for something to do while he was waiting for her to come home and saw some tools he should return to his neighbor, Jim. He wrote her a short note and left. Jim offered him a beer. They got to talking, and then there was a basketball game on TV and Tom lost track of time.

When he got home, he saw that it was late, and Sarah looked angryjust like his mother. He didnt see why it was such a big deal. She was gone a lot of evenings. So they would save the money for one nights lodging. Why was she upset?

On the surface, both Sarah and Tom sound so civil and reasonable, yet its clear that a lot of hostility has been generated. Toms behavior bears the markers of passive-aggressiveness:

He hides his anger about the time Sarahs job takes away from their life together; he probably doesnt even know hes angry.

He doesnt tell Sarah how he feels about the resort plans; he doesnt want to say no.

Perhaps without intending to, he manages to sabotage the plan by leaving the house for the evening.

He sees that Sarahs upset, but he cant see why.

Sarah, in turn, makes her own contribution to their impasse. She knows shes angry, but shes careful not to show it. And when Tom seems unconcerned about his lateness, she isnt sure whats going on inside his head. Instead of revealing her hurt feelings, she picks up a passive-aggressive style: Never mind, she says, we dont need to go at all.