Kimberly Hohman - The Colors of Love: The Black Persons Guide to Interracial Relationships

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hohman, Kimberly

The colors of love : the black persons guide to interracial relationships / Kimberly Hohman.1st ed.

p cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 1-55652-467-6

I. Interracial datingUnited States. 2. Interracial marriageUnited States. 3. CouplesUnited StatesInterviews. I. Title.

HQ801.8.H64 2002

306.7308904dc21

2002004208

Cover and interior design: Monica Baziuk
Cover photograph: Francesca Yorke/Getty Images

2002 Kimberly Hohman
All rights reserved
First edition
Published by Lawrence Hill Books
An imprint of Chicago Review Press, Incorporated
814 North Franklin Street
Chicago, Illinois 60610
ISBN 1-55652-467-6
Printed in the United States of America

5 4 3 2 1

To Pap Spack, whose courage and commitment to his family
gave me all the reasons I needed to write this book.
And to Brian, whose unbounded support and belief in me
is matched only by his dedication and love.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

F IRST AND FOREMOST , many, many thanks to all the couples who so willingly agreed to share their stories within these pages. Youve all given me (and the readers) a glimpse into the beautyand normalcythat can come when we love without fear. Youve confirmed what we always knew to be true. To the interracial community across the Web (and the world) that is so generous, welcoming, and willing to help. To Yuval for giving me the opportunity to fulfill a dream and helping me to make it better than I thought possible. To my kids for putting up with many more in a minutes during the writing of this book than any four-and five-year-old should be expected to endure, and for doing it without complaint. To Brian for allowing me to lean and vent and cry and celebrate and for always keeping up with the conversation no matter how many times I change the subject. And to the Spacks and the Ways and my entire extended family for being models of the kinds of families all interracial couples should be so lucky to be surrounded byfor your tolerance, your kindness, your support, and your love.

INTRODUCTION

I NTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE nothing new. Blacks and whites in the United States have been falling in love since the days of slavery, but over the years interracial couples have learned the hard way that falling in love and making a life together dont always go hand in hand.

In 1958, Mildred Jeter and Richard Loving were forced to leave their Virginia home and travel to Washington, D.C., in order to wed. Upon returning to Virginia to begin their life together, the couple was charged with violating the states anti-miscegenation laws. They pled guilty and were each sentenced to one year in prison. The trial judge suspended the sentence on the condition that the couple leave their home state, promising not to return together for twenty-five years.

The Lovings did leave Virginia for Washington, D.C., where they made their home. But rather than take this injustice lying down, they decided to make a mark that would forever change historythe Lovings filed suit against the state of Virginia and, in 1967, won a Supreme Court decision that found bans on interracial marriage to be unconstitutional.

When the Lovings were married, they were flying colorblind into the future in a society that most assuredly was not. In 1958, interracial marriage wasnt just against the law in many states, it was practically unheard of. Family and friends, both black and white, would certainly disapprove of such a union and there were no such things as support groups for interracial couples. But things are getting better.

Since then, interracial marriage has become increasingly common. Between 1960 and 1970 alone, the rate of interracial marriage in the United States increased by nearly 900 percent, and the numbers are continuing to grow. In 1960, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 149,000 married interracial couples. By 2000, that number had increased to over two million. Black/white interracial marriages accounted for nearly 300,000 of the interracial marriages in the United States in 1994. In 1990, nearly 8 percent of all married black men between twenty-four and thirty-five were married to non-blacks. And though black women are only about half as likely to marry interracially as their male counterparts, the interracial marriage rates for sisters are climbing faster than those of the brothers. Along with this growth has come increasing acceptance of mixed-race couples. Families of all races are more willing to accept an in-law of a different race than ever before, and interracial couples are drawing fewer stares and nasty remarks.

But despite increases in frequency and acceptance of interracial relationships, interracial couples still face adversity and issues such as continued disapproval from society and the challenges of raising biracial children. There is still an unfortunate lack of support and information available to blacks who choose to cross the racial divide in pursuit of love. Because interracial couples tend to be fragmented in their social alliances, chances are that in addition to a lack of information, there is also a lack of true peers.

This book will address these issues from a black perspective.

With a dozen years invested in my own interracial relationship and two generations of interracial relationships in my family prior to my own, Ive done a lot of thinking and talking about the unique aspects of interracial families. In addition, over the years Ive talked to numerous interracial couples about their experiences. From these experiences, Ive extracted the threads that are common to blacks in interracial relationships and found that with a little common sense, a little hope, and a lot of love, interracial relationships can and do flourish.

From interracial dating, through marriage and child rearing, Ill write frankly about racism and discrimination, dealing with disapproving relatives, blending cultures and traditions in your home, and celebrating the richness that an interracial relationship will undoubtedly bring to your lives.

Throughout the book, youll also have the opportunity to meet several interracial couples. Ive tried to share these couples wisdom to help readers build strong unions with their chosen partners.

Each chapter of the book can be read independently of the others, so that youll be able to rely on it as a handy guide through all the stages of your relationship and as you journey through your own unique experiences.

Today interracial relationships are flourishing like never before and, as those of us involved in them have learned, the strengths of interracial relationships can far outweigh the drawbacks. In fact, theres a good chance that as your travel the road of life together youll start to notice that mixed-race relationships even offer some advantages over same-race relationships. No wonder theres an evolution going on! Interracial relationships have long been an earmark for the state of race relations. If the current growth and success rates of interracial relationships are any indication, the future looks mighty bright.

MEETING YOUR MATCH