Suzanne Franks - Get Out of My Life: The bestselling guide to the twenty-first-century teenager

GET OUT OF MY LIFE

Tony Wolf, Ph.D., is a practising clinical psychologist who has worked with children and adolescents for thirty years. He lectures frequently on parenting topics. He lives in Suffield, Connecticut.

Suzanne Franks was a BBC TV producer for many years and is now an academic, author and journalist. She has written many books including, Having None of It: Women, Men and the Future of Work. She lives in London and has three children, one of whom is still a teenager.

GET OUT OF MY LIFE

BUT FIRST TAKE ME & ALEX INTO TOWN

Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks

This third edition published in 2014

First published in 2002 by

PROFILE BOOKS LTD

3 Holford Yard

Bevin Way

London WC1X 9HD

www.profilebooks.com

Copyright Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks 2002, 2008, 2014

The moral right of the authors has been asserted.

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

eISBN 978 1 84765 332 1

Preface

T his is a guide to adolescents how to understand them, cope with them, and, to the extent that we can, direct their turbulent lives.

Teenagers of today have grown up in an era of far more lenient parenting practices compared with any previous generation. Their world may be complicated and scary; nonetheless, they feel more empowered than teenagers did in the past. They are more assertive and less directly obedient, especially at home. This change in teenage behaviour is real. It requires a similar change in teenage parenting.

This book differs from other parenting books in at least one crucial way. It does not offer a set of teenage parenting rules, though it does provide concrete suggestions on how to deal with a wide range of teenage issues. It explains why teenagers do what they do; it gives you the ability to translate teenage behaviour into its true, often less complicated meaning. Armed with this new way of seeing, parents will not need to be told what to do. They can make their own decisions, based on their general good sense and individual child-rearing beliefs.

An example:

Louise, please could you lay the table?
Why are you always picking on me?

If you understand the development issues embodied in this typical response, you can translate Louises words:

No, Id rather not lay the table. I would prefer to have an argument with you.

Knowing the teenagers underlying message, parents can then respond as they wish. One option would be:

Dont you dare talk to me like that.

However, despite the intended lesson of the parents words, namely that they really do not want to tolerate this kind of disrespect (which is a perfectly reasonable message) their teenagers unfortunately will always interpret their response differently. They will hear:

Yes, I will fight with you.

And that leads them to respond:

Ill talk to you any way I want.

Which, translated, means:

Good, now lets keep this fight going, and with any luck youll forget about laying the table altogether.

Parents with a clearer understanding of their teenagers behaviour may choose alternatives to such a self-defeating response.

Throughout this book you will hear the re-created voices of teenagers and their parents. The quotes and conversations in the text are not from real people but a distillation of what really goes on. This will give you access to the real but never recorded discussions that take place in peoples kitchens, in their heads, mumbled as they leave rooms, or screamed out in shopping centres. Their accuracy will be for you to judge. But many of you will recognise, as recorded nowhere else, those scenes that are a part of your life with a teenager. If you do, you will, we hope, be reassured. You are not doing anything wrong: everyone confronts the same kinds of problems with teenagers.

Living under the same roof as a teenager is frequently exasperating and painful. But at times they can also be entertaining and original as well as keeping us on our toes providing us with an insight into everything from computers and mobile phones to contemporary culture. Much of what goes on between teenagers and their parents is often rather funny, if we can only step back far enough from our lives to view our daily travails for what they are, instead of as deadly serious issues.

Finally, if this book achieves its goal, you may notice a strange transformation in those scenes that used to drag you down. With a new understanding of your teenagers psychological development and state of mind, you may find that those scenes are never quite the same again. They look different, less desperate, more like the inevitable interaction between a normally developing teenager and a caring parent. You may also discover that, seeing things differently, you act differently as well.

Note to New Edition

T his book was first published in the UK thirteen years ago. During that time much has changed in the world of adolescence, and this new edition includes some revised material on drugs, drinking and sex. There is also a chapter about the ever-increasing influence of the electronic media and in particular the online world and especially social media, which now plays a big role in many teenagers lives. Nevertheless the basic issues of what goes on at home between parent and child, which is the books main focus, still remain the same. But what has changed and continues to change rapidly are the teenagers surroundings and the world into which they will grow up. This new edition contains an expanded section about the role of parents with their teenagers in a more uncertain world.

We used to think that the end of the Cold War would mean an era of greater peace and stability. Far from it. The first two decades of the new millennium seem far scarier and more unpredictable than the world was thirty years ago. The teenagers world itself is also different: it seems ever faster, less clearly anchored. They will confront a future where you no longer simply grow up, get a job, bring up a family and grow old. Now you leave school or university and then see what happens; indeed this phase may last several years, often well beyond the end of higher education. Twenty-five is the new twenty-one. Adolescence is not only starting sooner, it is also continuing for longer than ever before. Many young people are returning to live at home with their parents. People are marrying if at all and having children at a much older age than was the norm only a few years ago. Teenagers today need a greater tolerance for uncertainty; they need to be more flexible, more prepared to accommodate change than in the past. As a result, family those whom you can really rely on becomes even more important.

Introduction

Emily, please would you mind taking those dirty glasses into the kitchen?

Why? Theyre not mine.

I dont care if theyre not yours, Emily. You live in this house and I am asking you to take those glasses out into the kitchen.

But theyre not mine. Why should I do it?

Emily, youre asking for it.

Youre asking for it.

Fifty years ago the above conversation would rarely have taken place, but its common enough today. Teenagers have changed. This is not an illusion. Teenagers treat the adults in their lives in a manner that is less automatically obedient, much more fearless, and definitely more outspoken than that of previous generations.