John Kim - Its Not Me, Its You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better.

The names and identifying characteristics of some individuals in this book have been changed to protect their privacy.

Vanessa,

Thank you for supporting me, challenging me, and holding up a mirror. For giving me a new kind of love experience that opens fists and creates new definitions. For holding my hand through the dark and my face in the light. For doing life with me. Not at me. Or around me. For watching The Golden Girls with me as I fall asleep, squeezing my morning wood (not in a sexual way but in an I love you now get the fuck up way), accepting my inappropriateness, proofreading all my shit, and scratching my back when I know it grosses you out. For being my partner, my friend, my confidant and copilot on this crazy thing called life.

John,

You remain one of my greatest knowings. I appreciate you and all that you are and that you do, for me, for us, for Logan. Thank you for challenging my definitions of what a relationship could look and feel like. Thank you for teaching me that we can accept responsibility for how weve messed up and that it doesnt mean we are bad. Thank you for giving me consistency and showing me that real love is calm and patient. Thank you for championing me, my story, and my future. With you, I feel both held and free, and as Thich Nhat Hanh says, that is the real way to love and feel loved.

Theres a popular daytime talk show where the host, a relationship therapist, grabs his wifes hand from the audience at the end of the show, and together they strut down the runway as if they are disappearing into an imaginary sunset. And giving the impression that, when it comes to a picture-perfect relationship, they are the experts and this is where you need to be if your own relationship is fraught with challenges, difficulties, and struggles. If only you were more like them, you too could strut down a runway with your beau in perfect loving bliss every day.

As therapists, we can tell you, that show irks the shit out of us.

We were hesitant to write this book. We didnt want to be like that slightly arrogant talk-show host coupleexperts wagging fingers or telling people what a healthy relationship should look like. We also realized that the only way to truly help someone picking up a book looking for relationship advice was to be brutally honest about the state of our own relationship. Which would mean, instead of grabbing each others hand and walking off into a sunset, sitting down on the couch across from you and telling you our deepest and darkest secrets, not the other way around (which is what were used to).

The truth is, every relationship is different. No relationship is perfect. There isnt a one size fits all. Our own relationship is far from perfect, even though were both therapists who specialize in relationships and are probably the most qualified people to get it right when it comes to love.

We may have the kinds of credentials that would make for a perfect union, but we, like you, are flawed and complicated humans. We have both learned and grown through many other failed relationships and are committed to putting that learning to work in our relationship with each other. Even then, our relationship doesnt always make for easy breezy days of perfect communication and mind-blowing sex and a rom-com-level daily love story. In short, even two people who have all the tools and knowledge and 10,000 hours of relationship skill sets, who are best suited to that perfect relationship you might be seeking, have arguments, miscommunications, expectations that ruin the moment, pasts that ruin the future, competing love languages, different ways of cleaning, exercising, eating, and parentingand the list goes on and on.

We wrote this book together in hopes that by pulling the curtain back and exploring our own real issues and how we manage them, as well as stories and learnings from clients over the years, we can help you with your relationship. We have learned and continue to learn from examining our past, showing up and holding ourselves accountable in our present, and working toward a common goal in the future: continued expansion, a deepening of intimacy, and a more solid connection and relationship with Self. This book is not us telling you how to do something. Its you seeing yourself in someone elses story and then gaining insight and tools to maybe try again in your own life, or to approach it differently this time.

Self: When capitalized, a reference to the totality of ones being, according to Carl Jung.

This book is not about Mars versus Venus. Its not about gender or age or whether youre married, engaged, or even monogamous. Its about relationship dynamics. It doesnt matter what your relationship structure is or what it looks like from the outside. Its more about how you want it to feel on the inside.

We have all read the relationship self-help books that feel a bit detached. They might claim to give us tools, but they feel clinical, like the author is looking at us over the rim of their glasses while telling us how we should be in order to get it right. Weve also all read the books by non-experts. They might give us a lot of personal insight and advice, but when none of the growth and change of many couples is tracked or practiced over the long term, its hard to guarantee that what worked for one couple will work for you. Because, lets face it, there is a fair amount of credibility in something that has been researched to death, involving couples who show up and do the work and stay together long enough to know these practices really help.

We wanted this book to be a combination of both approaches. We have the knowledge and understanding of the research and the theories, and we have seen what works and what does not work with hundreds, if not thousands, of clients. But we are also human, with stories and baggage and traumas of our own. We are two people who struggle day to day to show up, be vulnerable, stay connected and committed, all while raising a kid in todays crazy world. We just happen to also be therapists.

Love is its own living breathing thing. It is formless, and there is no owners manual. We are all constantly learning, growing, and evolving and holding it all together as best we can.

John and Vanessa

The most common reason our clients end up working with us can be traced back to a single story, what we call the American Nightmare.

The Norman Rockwell painting:

Jack meets Diane at an early age. (Were using stereotypically male and female names, but weve seen this story play out with many different relationship dynamics.) Maybe in high school or college or in their early twenties. The collision is powerful. Each believes they found their one. Now life can really begin. So they run toward the picket fence as fast as they can. Get married, have kids, buy a hybrid SUV. Because thats what happy looks like, right? Thats the American Dream. Looking into each others eyes, wrapped in love as they stand in front of their brand-new home, bought with a high-interest loan because today its next to impossible to save for a down payment and maintain good credit. His hand on her stomach reveals that they are expecting. This becomes their Facebook cover photo. Then reality hits. Bills and diapers and everything required to start adulting.

That is not the nightmare, though most people think it is. Thats just a painting traced by the blueprint passed down from our parents combined with the cold realities of raising children and having a mortgage that nobody ever really talks about. We know this painting very well. Its the one we ripped down when our parents and/or society hung it in our living room without our conscious permission. So we think the American Nightmare doesnt apply to us. We know the picket fence has splinters, so maybe we try to go a different way.