Ellen Phillips - Shocked, Appalled, and Dismayed!: How to Write Letters of Complaint That Get Results

I finally understand why Academy Award winners feel compelled to thank everyone from their producer to the nursemaids they had as infants. Ill try to keep my list shorter than that, but I must express a big thank-you to some pretty terrific folks.

First and foremost, without my immediate family and especially my parents, Eddie and Lucy Haygood, I wouldnt be the Ellen that I am. They instilled two basic values in me: my mother taught me to believe in the humanity of others and to lend a helping hand whenever possible; my fathers example was one of personal integrity and the will to fight for my beliefs. My brother and sister-in-law, Joe and Jean, nursed Mama and Daddy through serious illnesses while I remained in Virginia to write this book. My little sister, Nan, who grew up to be my best friend, tore up the interstate going back and forth to tend to our parents. Not only is she our mainstay and often the cord that holds our fragile lives together; shes the only person who can always make me laugh. My daughter, Beth, whom I found enormously inspiring while writing this book, gave me my beautiful grandchildren. Thank God for family!

Thanks to Michael Guiles, artist extraordinaire, whose pen-and-ink skull and crossbones became the symbol for my business, Ellens Poison Pen, and to his wife, Carolmy friend, my compatriot, and my sounding board. Thank God for friends!

Phil McCombs, Washington Post correspondent, placed me in the right place at the right time, which resulted in a big nod of gratitude to Paul Bogaards, Division Vice-President of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., the book publisher, who personally knocked down the transom door for my entrance into his world. Acknowledgments go to my editor, Dawn Davis, and to the copy editor, Maggie Carr, as well. Thank God for publicity!

My lawyering advice wouldnt have been possible without some special people. My cousin, Paul Haygood, started the ball rolling immediately and worked long (and nonbillable!) hours to make my poison pen a protected trademark. Pauls trust in my abilities also placed me in contact with Bob Barnett, the best contracts attorney around, who decided to count a hick from the sticks among his famous clients; his associate, Jackie Davies, became one of my lifelines too. John Morrison, family friend and attorney, also rushed to the rescue with a lot of (nonbillable!) footwork on my behalf. Thank God for attorneys who have faith in me!

Carol McGuirk, my other set of typing fingers, put up with my moans, groans, and expletives deleted. Thank God for helpers!

This book wouldnt be complete without the statements from corporate and company officials who stand behind their own products and are fair in their dealings with customers (sorry the other 135 I contacted didnt wish to appear in print). Thank God for professionalism!

All the rest of my family, my friends, my colleagues, and my students both believed in me and enjoyed the ride. And certainly I cant forget two final groups: consumers everywhere who called or wrote simply to express their appreciation for my attempts on the behalf of others; and my own clients, who have had enough faith in me and in my abilities to trust me with their secrets and who have become my friends along the way. Thank God for people!

As an English teacher with a masters degree in that subject, I apologize to those language purists who are shocked, appalled, and dismayed at my unorthodox departure from proper grammar and usage.

W hy did I write this book?

Well, first of all, in this stressful age in which we live, we seem to be bombarded on all sides by inferior products and second-rate services. On top of these we often must deal with a multitude of obnoxious, rude, and cold-hearted people who could not care lessand dont care who knows it. Somebody had to respond to the nonsense, and it might as well be me.

I learned very early in life to let the world know when I was dissatisfied. I found the art of effective complaining to be very cathartic, and it usually provided relief, not only for me but also for those who were forced to be within earshot. Over the years since I started my letter-writing business, Ellens Poison Pen, Inc., in 1988, my pen and I have helped hundreds of people. I have gotten results from companies that refused to honor my clients and me as customers entitled to first-rate service and products and from government agencies that mistakenly believed that they could plug us into some black hole of a switchboard, leaving us at the mercy of the proverbial dentists office music at the other end. Little did they know that my persistence is such that I will hang on till hell freezes over.

To help you learn to write effective complaint letters, I provide in the coming chapters samples of different kinds of poison pens, from letters to manufacturers of shoddy products to letters to insurance companies about insufficient coverage to letters to hotels or airlines that dont honor your reservations. While most of the letters included in this book are based on actual letters I wrote on behalf of clients of Ellens Poison Pen, Inc., most of the names and addresses have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, except for Susan Lust, Pamela Reid, Sheila Daniel, and Jennifer Hamilton, who gave me special permission to use their letters. But all the names and addresses of folks at government departments, regulatory agencies, and consumer advocacy organizations found in the carbon copy (cc) part of the lettersand in the appendices in the back of the bookare real. Consult the appendices to find the proper name and agency to use in your letter, and make sure you also cc the pertinent organization or government agency. Your letter is more likely to be taken seriously if you carbon copy important people and agencies that might have an interest in the subject of your complaint. Just remember that personnel and room and suite number changes occur quite frequently, so call first to make sure that you are copying the person currently filling the appropriate position at the correct address. Bear in mind, too, that the letters Ive included are not forms that should be copied; they are here to give you ideas but, of course, must be tailored to the specific situation.