Cassandra Dunn - Crappy to Happy: Love Who Youre With: Simple steps to build stronger relationships

Im grateful to everyone who has read and shared their positive feedback on the first two Crappy to Happy books, and who insisted I write the third in the series. To everyone who has listened to the Crappy to Happy podcast, left a positive review, emailed or messaged me, I read all of your comments and appreciate every one of them.

My husband, Mel, has, as always, been my greatest cheerleader and supporter, getting up with me in the early hours of the morning and bringing me coffee when the manuscript deadline was looming. Thanks to my parents for all their love and support, and my daughter, Annabelle, who dutifully checks the shelves in every bookstore and moves my books to the front.

Thanks to the team at Hardie Grant who have been endlessly patient and flexible with deadlines, especially when a global pandemic upturned all of our lives. In particular, thanks to Pam for the opportunity to write another book so I can have the boxset Ive always wanted and Joanna for all your help getting book three into the world. Im very grateful to Vanessa at Red Dot Scribble, who has brought her editing expertise to all three of the Crappy to Happy books, tightening up the text, asking insightful questions and offering valuable suggestions.

Ive learned so much from experts in the field of relationships and psychology whose work has helped me in my own life and in my clients lives. In particular, Ive been inspired by the work of Dr Sue Johnson who developed emotionally focused therapy for couples, an approach to relationship counselling based on attachment theory, and Drs John and Julie Gottman for their decades of research into what makes relationships work.

Im especially grateful to the friends who allowed me to share their stories in this book. Their names have been changed but they know who they are. I appreciate your willingness to share your experience for the benefit of others.

Whether you consider yourself to be a loner or a people person, an extrovert or an introvert, we all have a fundamental need for human connection.

This isnt a nice to have. Research clearly demonstrates that positive relationships are essential for our physical and mental wellbeing. And yet, despite the explosion of new technologies that allow us to communicate with anyone, anywhere, at any time, were lonelier than weve ever been.

Some might even argue that its that very same technology that is causing us to feel so isolated. We all know what its like to compete with someones phone for their attention, and, if were honest, most of us are just as guilty of being distracted by our own devices. Despite the threat that technology can pose to intimacy and rapport, the option of online communication as a supplement to face-to-face interaction has been shown to actually reduce feelings of loneliness. So, it seems we cant blame small screens entirely for our troubles, but we could probably be a little more mindful about how we engage with them.

It seems more likely to me that in our endlessly busy lives, were so focused on the pursuit of our own goals that were failing to intentionally carve out time for the people who matter most. With the high value our society places on individual success and achievement, were conditioned to keep moving, doing, achieving and acquiring, whereas the depth of connection necessary for our wellbeing requires us to slow down and sit still. When do we have the time?

Were also highly mobile, with abundant opportunities to follow our chosen path no matter where it might lead us, whether to a faraway city or even across the globe. But every time we pack up our lives and move to a new location, we leave behind whatever local connections wed established, and have to start again somewhere else. The older we get, the harder it is to forge the kind of deep, trusting relationships that are often built over a long, shared history. The fuller our lives are with personal obligations and responsibilities, the less available time we have to put the required effort into establishing and maintaining new relationships.

And what about the role of individual differences? We each have our own complex mix of personality and personal history. Most of us are never taught that our early interactions create blueprints for our subsequent relationships, so were left feeling puzzled and frustrated by our own self-defeating relationship patterns or worse, we blame others for our inability to cultivate authentic, meaningful relationships.

Social conventions often dictate that we focus on fitting in and keeping the peace, even if that means compromising our own values or staying quiet about how we really feel. Were taught as children to share and say sorry, but many of us werent taught the importance of knowing, valuing and trusting ourselves, so that we dont need someone elses approval. How do we hope to build genuine, authentic connections on a foundation of approval-seeking and people-pleasing?

In my first book, Crappy to Happy: Simple Steps to Live Your Best Life, I devoted a chapter to the importance of social connections because of the significant role that relationships play in the overall quality of our life. In the time since that book was published, Ive reflected a lot on the quality of connections in my own life and the things that get in the way of consistent, positive connection.

I often blame a lack of time for the extended gaps in contact with my friends or family. And I know enough to realise that whenever the excuse is time, what were really talking about are priorities. We all choose how we spend our time. If we dont truly value and appreciate the people in our social networks, its very easy to relegate them to the bottom of a long list of more pressing responsibilities. How we choose to spend our time is often a reflection of our values. If the way youre spending your time is not a reflection of whats truly most important to you, that might be a timely wake-up call to start being more intentional in how you invest your time. After all, its your most important resource.

How we choose to spend our time is often a reflection of our values.

Interestingly, in the months since I began writing this book, the world has been affected by the spread of the novel coronavirus, for which there is currently no treatment or cure. Our only protection against a disease that is killing hundreds of thousands of people, forcing us to close our borders domestically and internationally, is for people to stay away from each other. The terms social distancing and self-isolation have become a part of our shared vernacular, globally.

Suddenly, the way for us to best look after ourselves and each other is to have no physical contact with the people we hold dear. Children cant hug their grandparents or play sport with their friends. Work colleagues cant gather around the water cooler and talk about their weekends. Given how essential our relationships are to our physical and mental health, its difficult to know what the long-term effects of this forced separation will be, but what weve witnessed is the emergence of new and creative ways of staying connected. Weve also become acutely aware of those who are most alone and therefore the most vulnerable in our communities, including the elderly and disabled.

If there is an upside (and there will surely be many) to this crisis, it might be that its given us a chance to slow down and spend quality time with those in our immediate family, and that when its over, we will appreciate more than ever the value of our social networks.

Perhaps well have come to see which relationships are truly of value in our lives and need to be nurtured with our time and attention. The opportunity for time alone might have given us the opportunity to reflect on our values and realign our priorities, forging connections that are intentional rather than habitual.