Julia M. Lewis - The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study

The
UNEXPECTED LEGACY
ofDIVORCE

A 25 YEAR
LANDMARK STUDY

Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis,
and Sandra Blakeslee

This book is dedicated with gratitude, admiration, and
affection to the women and men in this book who are
the vanguard of an entire generation of young
Americans raised in divorced families. We thank you for
sharing your lives with all of us over twenty-five years
and for helping millions of other children and young
adults to understand that they are not alone.

P UBLISHED ONE YEAR ago, our book hit a raw nerve in America. It broke through an almost conspiratorial silence about the true nature of our divorce culture and how much growing up in America has changed in recent decades.

The major contribution of this book has been to recognize, for the first time, that when children of divorce become adults, they are badly frightened that their relationships will fail, just like the most important relationship in their parents lives failed. They mature with a keen sense that their growing-up experiences did not prepare them for love, commitment, trust, marriage, or even for the nitty-gritty of handling and resolving conflicts. In the book they say, I never saw a man and a woman on the same beam. Their decisions about whether or not to marry are shadowed by the experience of growing up in a home where their parents could not hold it together. They are no less eager than their peers who grew up in intact families for passionate love, sexual intimacy, and commitment. But they are haunted by powerful ghosts from their childhoods that tell them that they, like their parents, will not succeed.

On the positive side, many young adults who weathered their parents divorce are extremely successful in their chosen careers, having learned how to be independent, resourceful, and flexible. Having invented their own moral path, they are decent, caring adults who managed to build good marriages in spite of their fears. Many are excellent parents. In the book they say, I never want to let happen to my children what happened to me. Others turned their lives around by dint of their own courage, insight, and compassion.

The response to our book was phenomenal. Oprah Winfrey invited me to be on her show twice. Realizing she had tapped into concerns that deeply affect millions of young adults in her audience, she invited them to speak out. And they did. With tears and anger, they said:

This book is talking about me. This is what happened to me. This is what I am feeling today.

Im still angry that my parents never explained the divorce to me.

When my dad remarried I lost him to his new family. Two sets of children were too much for him. Im happily married and I worry all the time that I will lose my husband. Its like Im always waiting for that second shoe to drop.

After the book came out, thousands of people from all over the country and Canada called in to radio talk shows to describe their feelings.

Children of divorce wrote and e-mailed to tell me that they no longer felt alone. Many were vastly relieved. The stories of other young adults in the book enabled them for the first time to make sense out of their own lives:

You are right on the mark. I kept seeing myself over and over in the book. Ive given copies to my sister, my stepchildren, and friends of my stepchildren. I know so many people who should read it.

A child of divorce since age seven, I am still recovering from the effects it had on my life. Your book has confirmed the notions Ive held for 23 years and helped to consolidate my feelings.

When I picked up your book, I finally found someone who spoke for my experience. Your book described what I have lived through in an honest way that no one else was willing to discuss. I am amazed to hear that you know so intimately the grief of children who have lived through divorce.

Another said, As I am a child of divorce, your book was very meaningful to me. My parents divorced when I was five and I grew up fully immersed in the divorce culture. Finally I feel freed of the burden of pretending that the divorce did not matter. Your book helped me understand how much my parents failed marriage set the stage for the emotional entanglements that would come later.

I did not talk much in the book about religious beliefs in the context of divorce. But several people reported that their faith in God was shaken for several years by their experience as children. Most of these were adults who had been abandoned by a parent when they were very young. It appears that their disappointment stood in the way of relying on their religion for support. On the other hand, some described how religion had helped them, especially in providing the rules and structure that they found lacking in their lives. Others found the community of the church or synagogue a source of comfort.

A few letters talked about an enduring anger at aging parents. One woman said, My parents are getting old. My father is getting frail and my mother needs special attention from time to time. But I still feel so much anger because of their neglect of my feelings over more than 25 years. I am hardly capable of giving the attention that I would normally give. And when I do take care of them, it is without any pleasure at all, only a sense of duty.

One change that may come from these sentiments is that adult children of divorce are starting to speak out. Realizing that their contemporaries share many of the same feelings, theyre no longer ashamed to admit how much their childhood grievances and disappointments have endured. As they search for ways to help one another and put their fears to rest, we may see the rise of groups that focus on the experience of having grown up in divorced families.

Another change is that many people are seriously considering the benefits of staying together for the sake of their children. Theyre examining what they have as a family and are taking a more realistic look at what divorce entails. Combining a full-time job, courtship, and parenting requires the speed and agility of an Olympics champion but without the training that the champion brings to the race.

We are also seeing a rise in interest in premarital education and marriage enrichment programs. Several states have enacted marriage license incentives that encourage people to take a four-hour class in marriage education for a reduced fee and immediate granting of the license. To cut down on impetuous weddings, Florida put in a three-day waiting period. Illinois has legislation to make people wait sixty days. Other states are considering legislation to improve preparation for marriage. There is greater community interest in marital counseling programs and conflict resolution courses that are aimed at teaching people to stay in the marriage and resolve the friction rather than turn to divorce. It is still far too early to know whether these or other education plans will be effective, but they reflect the rise in community concern about children and the search for new ways to improve marriage.

When I have presented my findings to judges and attorneys at national conferences, many admitted that they were stunned to learn that highly educated, affluent parents were not sending their children to college, especially when a second set of children was born into a remarriage and children from the first marriage were pushed aside. They were also surprised to hear that many adolescents are furious at the court system for ordering strict visitation agreements with no options for adding flexibility or change down the road.