Michelle Lia Lewis - Flirting 101: How to Charm Your Way to Love, Friendship, and Success

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Contents

Preface

Our first challenge in writing this book was to sift through what seemed like ad hoc techniques and urban myths to devise a flirting method that could be easily communicated and applied. Many of the people we observed and interviewed had no conscious understanding about how they flirted, they just did their best.

We found that although flirting is a much broader pursuit than dating, and has more variety in its purposes and outcomes, great flirts always have a positive attitude and put the other person first. Now that might sound easy to do, and it is, so long as you know how. Our experience had certainly shown us, through thousands of case studies, what was happening when people flirted, but now we had to work out the why and the how of the task. By the time we finished the research and writing we saw flirting in quite a different light.

Right now you may be thinking that flirting is frivolous, without much use past attracting somebodys attention. But youll discover in this book that flirting has many far-reaching uses that go beyond getting a date or even being romantic. At its simplest, flirting is fun and entertaining. Its a feel-good activity. However, it also has the potential to be complex and political.

Although we had never collaborated before, we decided to combine our experience to write this book. We each brought what we thought was complementary knowledge to the project but, initially at least, all we had was an idea. Had my husband, Fraser, not pitched the idea and got a warm and enthusiastic response from Jo Paul, our publisher at Allen & Unwin, we might never have continued to explore and research the nature of flirting. And we would not have succeeded in finishing the book if it had not been for Jo Pauls understanding, encouragement, savvy and wit. Then it was the turn of our very talented U.S. editor, Carolyn Chu at St. Martins Press, who saw potential, translated our Aussie slang and kept the spirit alive.

With this book our goal has been to take you to the point where you feel confident you can be a great flirt and where you can use your flirting skills in many varied situations. The real joy for us is in teaching you how to get the flirting attitude so you can feel confident to get out there and practice. When you are out there please remember our golden rule: If it isnt fun, it isnt flirting.

ONE

What Is Flirting?

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if theres any reaction, both are transformed.

C. G. Jung

The History of Flirting

In the Victorian era flirting was considered an art form. It was such a large part of socializing that young women, being groomed for marriage, were taught how to flirt using fashion accessories as props, and men were schooled in recognizing these flirtatious signals. The established signals and patterns of flirting leaned heavily on the use of personal itemsfans, gloves, handkerchiefs, parasolsto convey interest or disinterest. For example, when a woman fanned herself slowly it indicated she was either married or engaged; to fan quickly showed independence. To say yes, the woman rested the fan on her right cheek; on her left cheek for no. Fanning with the right hand in front of the face was a message to the man, Come on, follow me, and the rapid opening and closing of the fan was a signal that she wanted to be kissed.

The use of the fan, gloves or parasol was a way of sending messages that were always well understood because everyone knew the language of flirting. Our modern-day flirting signals, such as winking, playing with your hair, looking steadily at someone, crossing your legs or touching the person you are talking to, were once all considered the height of rudeness. The rules governing social etiquette in the nineteenth century were very strict and rigid. A man could not speak to a woman unless he had been formally introduced, even if they were at the same social event; however, flirting of the accepted kind at social events was not only permitted, it was encouraged.

Flirting throughout the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries was a social art as well as an art for doing business. While the use of the term schmoozing might be considered modern, the idea certainly isnt. Business dealings, such as negotiating a loan, a sale or a contract, were traditionally conducted by a series of social events where much time was spent talking and getting to know each other and the respective families before deciding to do business.

By the 1960s, the art of flirting was replaced by free love and people found new ways to connect with each other. The dynamics between men and women changed and with these changes flirting and courtship were re-defined. While the lines remained blurred for the next forty years, flirting never died out, although it did get forgotten and somewhat overwhelmed by sexual impatience and the modern definition of courtship. The faster paced our lives became, the more we looked for deep and meaningful connections with others, and the harder we worked in our jobs, the more we craved fun in our social lives.

Flirting has always been a fun way to connect with others so its no wonder that in the twenty-first century flirting is making a triumphant return. Every day you meet people, some you know, some you dont, some youll want to know and some you wont. The quality of your life is often determined by the quality of these interactions. This book is about flirting, about the attitude and skills needed to successfully flirt. Flirting is a wonderful thing, bringing energy to your daily interactions and improving your life; whether by getting you a better table at a restaurant, a smile from a stranger or meeting your soul mate.

When you flirt with someone you are actually paying them a compliment. It shows them that you have noticed them. You probably already have your own opinions about what flirting means to you, but in this book we are going to share with you our research and what we think flirting is.

Flirting is like dancing. One person leads while the other has the choice to follow or not. If they choose to follow, there is a rhythmic flow of energy where both people benefit.

Flirting is fun, playful and energetic. Everyone involved gets to feel good about themselves. It can be a useful way of getting what you want in a way that makes people happy to give it to you.

Because true flirting is ambiguous, you can always get away with it anywhere. When you say something flirtatiously it is fun, but the same line delivered with a sexual motive can sound sleazy and puts people off. The moment flirting moves from ambiguity to the obvious it crosses the line from flirtation to seduction.

Seduction is about power or sex or both. Flirting, a playful energy, is about making the other person feel good. Flirting can, of course, be a prelude to seduction and from time to time you may want to cross the line. After reading this book you will be able to do just that with knowledge and style.