Amber Portwood - So, Youre Crazy Too?

A POST HILL PRESS BOOK

ISBN: 978-1-63758-147-6

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-63758-148-3

So, Youre Crazy Too?

2022 by Amber Portwood

All Rights Reserved

Cover illustration by Michael Derry

This is a work of nonfiction. All people, locations, events, and situations are portrayed to the best of the authors memory.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.

Post Hill Press

New York Nashville

posthillpress.com

Published in the United States of America

To all of the beautiful souls out there: if youre not going to read this book from the first page to the last page, dont buy it. The only true story is the whole story.

Love, Amber

For Leah and James:

Anything is possible! Just like your grandfather said:

Its never too late to change. Shawn Portwood Sr

We are not a family that gives up on each other or anyone!

Content warning: This book contains depictions of mental illness, including but not limited to addiction, depression, bipolar disorder, manic depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, postpartum depression, and self-harm. If you or someone you know is struggling, there are helpful resources listed at the end of this book.

Contents

Ive always looked at myself

From the inside out.

Is that psychotic?

Ever since I was a little girl,

I have felt this as well.

I believe Ive always known who I am.

Proud, brave, obnoxious, loud, fearless,

heartless, loving, and kind.

I dont need to find myself anymore

Because I knew all along.

Who am I?

This is a question I have had a hard time answering for most of my life and have only recently figured out. Which is odd, given the fact that I can watch countless hours of myself living my life on past TV episodes: growing up, being a new mom, fighting, mothering, and loving. Its all out there for the world to see, the best and worst of me. My love of prescription opioids clouded my memory, my judgment, and my self-awareness for years. But I have been sober for some time now, and I can honestly say it has been a struggle coming to terms with the true core of my existence: To begin with, I amsomewhat severely, and certainly clinicallymentally ill.

My diagnoses are varied, and one does not outweigh or counterbalance the rest. The only mental illness I have suffered that has fully gone away was the postpartum depression that hit me like a sledgehammer six months after the birth of my son. Although this episode likely caused one of my most infamous and life-altering experiences, it passed, and I can cross this off the list of the mental illnesses that affected the better part of my life up until now.

So, who am I?

I am bipolar. I have been diagnosed specifically with bipolar II disorder. For me, before I was properly treated, this means my moods swung drastically. I would have long periods of hypomania and even longer periods of severe depression. I have spent my entire life until recently living between extremes, going from the life of the party to a virtual shut-in. Prescription medication can keep this condition under control, but with my history of drug abuse, finding the right medication was a struggle. Of course, medication can take you only so far in the fight against mental illness. I had to find the right psychiatrist and discover ways to calm myself down, to create new methods of battling the demons that have been inside me since I was a little girl.

So, who am I?

I am someone that suffers from borderline personality disorder. I used to cut myself just to watch my skin bleed. I have attempted suicide on several occasions. Before I got my neuroses under control, I would have constant thoughts of self-harm and uncontrollable anger and sadness. This, along with the periods of mania and depression that come with bipolar, was a dangerous and volatile way to live. My illnesses competed with each other; they would hide each other. Some days they would play in my brain like heavy metal, some days muted like elevator music. But for many years they were always there, affecting my actions, egging me on, holding me back. This is how I lived.

So, who am I?

I am anxious. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, and this is something I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. Anxiety can prevent me from leaving my house. It can stop me from sleeping. Anxiety affects my relationships and my ability to cope with normal situations; there is not one area of my life that has not been somehow altered because of my overwhelming sense of anxiety. Again, the only way to live a semi-healthy life with my level of anxiety is with intense psychotherapy, calming methods, and prescribed medication.

So, who am I?

I have PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Many people suffer traumatic situations in their life. I am not the only one who has had a sister, and a father, and a beloved grandmother, and a pet die. I have seen dead bodies when I was as little as the age of five. I know I am not the only person to encounter death so up close and personal and more than one time in their life; however, because of my distinct psychological makeup, I am affected by these major life events in such a way that it has rendered me unable to cope, suffering the effects of these tragedies for years on end, made motionless by their impact on my brain. This is who I am, but it is not.

So, who am I, really?

I am on drugs. As has been well documented, I have been taking some form of mind-altering substance or another since the age of nine. With all of my overlapping mental illnesses, the desire to medicate my way out of them called to me from an early age, and will be something I will struggle with for my entire life. Lately, under the care of a brilliant and caring psychiatrist, I have found a combination of carefully prescribed drugs that are helping me get through my days without total mental collapse. I will likely be on drugs, the kind that destroy your kidneys and liver in a way that will take years off of your life, forever. This has been a battle that I might never fully win.

Coming to terms with my many mental disorders, which happen to be four of the major five mental disorders people are most commonly diagnosed with, now that my brain is cleared from drug abuse has consumed the better part of the last few years of my life. Clearing away the mental cobwebs, one by one, through a strict regimen of therapy and medication, other self-imposed calming methods, and coping strategies has given me the space to share my storymy real storyand start to put together the pieces of the puzzle that is my brain so that I can finally answer the aforementioned question with honesty and clarity:

Who am I?

I am, actually, none of these conditions that weave in and out of my minutes every day. I am not just some angry, sad, desperate, lonely, manic, passionate, loud, sweet, smart, funny, creative, sarcastic girlfriend and mother. I am what is underneath all of these conditions, disorders, addictions, and traitsthose qualities that make me an excellent reality star and give such good material for gossip magazines and tabloid television. I am what you are about to read. I am a collection of poems, ruminations, research, philosophies, stories, feelings, and anecdotes informed by my experiences and my reading. I am an unfinished sculpture and a work in progress. Im figuring this out as I go along and sharing what I have learned. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am crazy. I am me.