Rachel Perks - The Little a to Z: A Companion for First-Time Mothers and Their Partners

The Little

Copyright 2020 Rachel Perks

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published 2020

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-63152-681-7

ISBN: 978-1-63152-682-4

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019920932

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To all new parents seeking to raise their little ones
from a place of humility, patience, and love.

To my co-parent and partner, without whom this
great journey would not be possible.

W hen I had my baby, I was a stranger in a foreign land in more ways than one.

I was new to the art of motherhood. My girlfriends who had children were scatteredon the West Coast of the United States (US), and in the United Kingdom (UK), Kenya and Canada, and Myanmar. Of my friends in the District of Columbia (DC), only one had children. My parents lived thousands of miles north, across the border in Canada. For all intents and purposes, I was without a baby community.

Beyond this, I was a stranger to the culture of child-rearing in a developed economy. For over a decade of my professional life, I had witnessed children being raised in some of the most difficult terrains in sub-Saharan Africa. I had also witnessed children growing up in the most luxurious households in these same regions. I didnt have to worry about boiling water for bathing my son; I didnt have to wash diapers by hand. But I also didnt have the nannies, housekeepers, and drivers that many of my friends living abroad had to keep our household ticking along. The contrasts between the experiences Id witnessed came back to me time and time again in the first months after my child was born.

Most importantly, I was a foreigner living in the United States. I didnt know what to make of the obsession with stuff for babiesperfect diaper bags with monograms on them, or perfect strollers that met all the safety regulationsand the pressure to do baby showers and registries. It was all too muchand not me.

So much time is spent preparing expectant mothers for the actual birth, but theres little attention given to the aftermath, which goes on for much longer! There were so many things that my husband and I didnt know. I often found myself wishing for a small reference book that I could open quickly, an A to Z guide to motherhood at my fingertips. I imagined its pages, worn from frequent use. A vision of this little book kept coming back to me throughout those first months. Id had one before: Bush-Friendly Tips for Girls (and Boys Too!): The Ultimate Guide to Safari in Kenya. It was witty, and illustrative of the female capacity to find humor in very serious bush stuff.

Perhaps others yearned for a parenting how-to guide like I did. Perhaps others felt as lost at times as I did. Being the good PhD student I had been, I started doing my literature review. I got books out of the library about motherhood. I looked at best sellers. I laughed, I cried, I cursed myself that I had not found these treasures earlier. But many of them were priceless memoirs that I could not have fully absorbed at the time. In those busy first months, I wasnt looking for reassurance that it was all going to be okay. Instead, I was looking for someone to tell me how to make it okay right now.

That was the inspiration behind this little book: to create a small companion for parents to carry with them during those difficult first months. In it, Ive weeded out a lot of the endless Google searches and offered some of my most meaningful finds and solutions. While researching, I shared ideas with friendsthose who had more babies and more experience than meand the A to Z grew, snowballing as responses came in from other mothers and fathers.

The following pages are the product of my wisdom and theirsa collective voice across borders, time zones, and cultures.

That is, until you read it and add to where we have missed out (and I hope you will, in the blank pages left at the end of each alphabet letters section).

Happy mothering!

is for

A&D Ointment: Although the directions recommend using it when your baby has diaper rash, we ended up using it on a continuous basis after every diaper change.

Adaptable: According to the University of Kent, in this fast-paced, changing world of work, adaptability is one of the top ten skills employers seek in new recruits. Hello, new parents: Raising a little one is the hardest job you will ever sign up for. If the corporate world thinks adaptation is key to success, why not for our success as parents? The difference here is that unlike your jobwhere, to a certain degree, you can control the pace and your response to changeyour role as a parent is shaped by a small human being who is rapidly changing, often with little warning.

I was most frustrated by how quickly the needs of our son, Clyde, changed in the beginning and how frequently I had to adapt my newly mastered routine. One day I was breastfeeding round the clock and my body had finally adjusted to the loss of sleep; the next day, he was sleeping through the night. Or one day he was napping twice a day, and the next, just once daily.

If you go back to work, being adaptable is doubly important and equally challenging, as you are creating two new routines: one for your public life and one for your private life. Even after two years, our routine still changes significantly. There is always something new cropping upday care, later bedtimes, or new travel requirements. Success for you, your partner, and your little one will hinge on your collective ability to flexibly respond to the minuscule changes while still maintaining the foundations of daily routine and rituals essential for successful child development. This requires considerable communication between parents and sensitivity to the needs of your little one.

Once you let go of the illusion that you are in control, your ability to adapt will increase significantly. In fact, you may even start to enjoy the ebb and flow afforded by your childs daily routine of self-discovery.

Air (see also Outside): Getting out and breathing fresh air is restorative for you and your baby. This was evident to us early on in parenthood. Whenever my husband or I took Clyde outside, he slept better afterward. This included everything from laying him on the dog bed on the porch (with a sheet between him and the bed) to walking him in the stroller during those terrible witching hours to strapping him in a carrier and heading for the fields or trails. Now that he is past one year and much more mobile, his attention is caught by the smallest things outside.