Clio Wood - Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth

Get Your Mojo Back

Clio Wood

First published in the UK and USA in 2023 by

Watkins, an imprint of Watkins Media Limited

Unit 11, Shepperton House, 8393 Shepperton Road

London N1 3DF

Design and typography copyright Watkins Media Limited 2023

Text copyright Clio Wood 2023

The right of Clio Wood to be identified as the Author of this text has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

Commissioning Editor: Anya Hayes

Senior Editor: Lucy Carroll

Assistant Editor: Brittany Willis

Head of Design: Karen Smith

Illustrator: Sneha Alexander

Illustration concept on : Clio Wood

Production: Uzma Taj

A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-1-78678-695-1 (Paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-78678-695-5 (eBook)

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Printed in United Kingdom by TJ Books Ltd

www.watkinspublishing.com

For my past, present and future selves and the journey were on; and for my beautiful family, B, D & E, without whom I wouldnt be where I am

CONTENTS

I worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms.

Esther Perel, Psychotherapist, bestselling author and speaker

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I am Clio Wood, womens health & sex positivity advocate and Founder of &breathe, an award-winning family wellbeing company supporting pre- and post-natal women, families and women in the perimenopause period. I created &Breathe in 2015, following the traumatic birth of my daughter in 2014. I suffered postnatal depression as well as mild post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a too-tight pelvic floor and painful sex. This all contributed to marriage problems which nearly ended in divorce. I struggled to find the support I needed as a new parent, and wanted to help other women be their best selves through fitness, food and feeling good, so I started &Breathe.

My work as an advocate, writer and speaker has grown naturally from my own experience of mental health and physical (pelvic floor) issues postnatally, as well as my work with retreat and event guests and by creating our expert &Breathe team. It has underlined what Ive always known: that sex, intimacy and relationships (particularly postnatally, but beyond this and into parenthood too) are a key part of our life experience. They make up a good deal of our fears and worries, but were not just talking about them.

I have written for the Telegraph , I. Paper , HuffPost , Mother & Baby and Motherdom Magazine and spoken on numerous podcasts such as The Parent Hood with Marina Fogle, Breaking Mum & Dad with Anna Williamson and Motherkind with Zoe Blaskey.

I live in East London with my husband, Bryn, and our two daughters, Delphi and Echo. I love unusual names, ice cream, keeping strong, reading and finding new places.

Find out more: www.andbreathewellbeing.com | on Instagram @andbreathewellbeing and @itscliowood

INTRODUCTION

What do 83 per cent of new mothers have in common, apart from wanting to sell their own offspring for an hours sleep? Bingo. Its that theyre all going through some form of sexual dysfunction and pain. I made up the bit about sleep (though Im betting Im pretty close), but the sexual dysfunction study is for real.

Im Clio, and Im one of that 83 per cent. Its hard not to be. You might be too. And if not, you certainly know someone who is, whether or not theyve told you about it. I had a traumatic birth experience which, when layered onto my existing depression and insecurity (hello, inner critic!), meant that my postnatal experience was more than a small shock to the system. I suffered postnatal depression and spent my days crying, raging and more. I struggled with painful breastfeeding, and I had a total loss of identity and felt completely at odds with my husband.

I thought at least that my postnatal fitness journey wouldnt be a problem. I was always sporty through school and university, and keeping fit and active is an important part of my life and mental health. I was so keen to keep my pelvic floor toned and tight that I went into Kegel overdrive, doing pelvic floor exercises whenever I could during pregnancy. That wasnt the right approach, as it turns out, because I hadnt been taught properly how to do a pelvic floor lift (also called a Kegel, after Arnold Kegel, an American gynaecologist), and this led to a pelvic floor that was too tight. The combination of my depression and uncertainty, which made my entire body tense, from my shoulders to my toes, and vaginal scarring meant sex became practically impossible.

Sadly, all of this is far too common. But the thing is: Common. Does. Not. Mean. Normal. Just because lots of people experience something doesnt mean thats how it should be. So my question is, if so many of us are suffering, why arent we talking about it more? Why do we feel weird about bringing it up with our friends, let alone our doctors? The 83 per cent statistic is such a high figure: if this huge percentage of us at three months postnatal are cringing at the thought of intimacy with their other half, shouldnt more of us be looking for answers? If enough of us are asking... well, are enough of us asking?

Okay, so three months postnatal is pretty soon for most of us to be jumping back in the sack, and perhaps too soon to be expecting a flourishing sex life again. You have, after all, pushed an actual human being out of your vagina, or undergone major abdominal surgery. But what would you say if, crawling forward to six months postpartum, the figure experiencing painful sex and sexual dysfunction reduces only slightly, to 64 per cent?

Youre probably still sleep deprived, though getting into the swing of parenthood; you might develop, or still have, postnatal depression or other mood disorder; youre probably nervous about your core and pelvic floor, even if your rehabilitation has gone smoothly; youll soon be on to weaning and thinking ahead to childcare if you plan to return to work outside the home. At least your baby might be moving out of your bedroom, but its not all smooth sailing from here! Family life is full on. Where do you find the time to even think about , let alone improve your sex life?

The first year of parenthood is the time when marriage satisfaction rates are the lowest, but what about later in parenthood, when lack of sleep is no longer the main issue, and you dont hate your partner quite so much? Added to that, what happens when your sex drive dries up and intimacy doesnt bring you pleasure any more? Maybe you think thats something you just have to live with, but what if you dont?

Having a baby, however it comes out, is a big experience. It might have been wonderful, soulful and healing. It might have been exactly the opposite, as mine was. But whatever your experience, it becomes part of your identity. And it changes your identity as a woman, including your sexual identity. This book is not just about the postnatal period, though the way that you are empowered, or not, to deal with intimacy in that time is key, but about sex after birth as the gateway to intimacy for the rest of your life. Once postnatal, always postnatal. Lets make sure that pleasure is part of the equation too.