Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
Why I Wrote This Book
TWENTY-FIVE YEARS as a clinician, and many more as a husband, parent and friend, have taught me a great deal about what works best when people try to communicate a need or share a feeling. And Ive certainly learned what does not work: blame tops the list.
Blame always makes things worse. It makes anyone on the receiving end of criticism or accusation feel much more resentful and angry. It also causes anxiety and pain, and pushes people away from finding solutions to their problems.
Blame is always destructive.
In my previous book, Emotional Bullshit, I focused on three of our most common interpersonal dynamics: denial, delusion and blame. I called them the Toxic Trio, because they work together to deny reality, create an alternate delusional condition and then allow us to blame someone else when things fall apart. Of these three dynamics, blame is the most confusingand also the most damaging. For these reasons, blame requires its own book.
Do we really need a book entirely on blame? Yes. Because blame has seeped so deeply into how we think and how we communicate that we use it unconsciously, without realizing its destructiveness. We use it constantly because we grew up with it, and its everywhereit permeates our thoughts, ideas, beliefs and attitudes. But mostly we use it because we are unaware of how blame damages our relationships.
Most of us assume that blame fulfills an essential role in relationships. If we cant criticize or accuse people, how can we get them to correct mistakes, to change bad behaviors? But the problem is that whenever people are blamed, it always feels bad. When youre told that youre responsible for someone elses behavior or feelings, it feels wrong. When youre criticized for making a mistake, or accused of being wrong, inevitably you feel resentment. And if youre the one whos using blame, you still end up feeling bad because your connection to the other person has been damaged.
This book will change all that. You will learn that you wont ever need to employ blames destructive arsenal.
This may sound revolutionaryif not impossible. It is revolutionary. Yet its entirely possible and practical.
This book is based on the following components of blame:
Blame means finding fault by criticizing, accusing and shifting responsibility.
People are hardwired to use blame when they feel frustrated, want something and/or want to vent a feeling.
Using blame always makes things worse.
Blame can be entirely replaced with Positive Accountability.
As these points are meticulously discussed throughout the book, youll learn that blame is a highly destructive behavior that serves no useful purpose in your relationships, and especially when you use blame against yourself in the form of self-blame.
Part One of the book will explore the numerous ways blame is used within our relationships, including the Blame Cycle, Blame Attacks and the deadly Blame Spiral.
In Part Two of the book, Ill provide a step-by-step method for replacing blame with what I call Positive Accountability.
Part Three presents the Law of Personal Limitations, a truly radical method for eliminating blame, and internally reorganizing your attitude toward the mistakes, errors and offensive behaviors of those around youincluding your own!
LIVING BEYOND BLAME IS BOTH REALISTIC AND WORKABLE
My decades of experience with patients have taught me that even a basic understanding of how to replace blame with Positive Accountability can have life-changing effects.
Couples on the brink of divorce can learn to stop the Blame Attacks that have kept them engaged in a seemingly endless Blame Spiral. They can rebuild their relationships and return to the happiness and joy that originally brought them together.
Individuals caught in a downward spiral of depression, guilt and self-blame can find a practical way to understand their humanity and stop using blame against themselves, creating a sense of contentment and self-acceptance.
Anyone whos stuck in their career or feels abused by coworkers can learn skills that harness the positive energy of accountability, thus advancing their career and building professional confidence.
Parents can learn to guide children toward responsibility and accomplishment without blame. These approaches generate amazing changes in parents relationships with children of all ages, including through the challenging period of adolescence.
Even your first attempt in substituting Positive Accountability for blame will provide a dramatic improvement, reducing your anxiety and resentment. When you can live your life entirely without blame, you will have reached the level of happiness and fulfillment you absolutely deserve.
Your first experience of living Beyond Blame will instantly make your life better. Thats my promise to you.
PART ONE
Digging into the Roots of Blame
Where Blame Comes from and How It Works
CHAPTER ONE
Blame Is Our Most Destructive and Confusing Behavior
IM SITTING WITH Mitch and Jessica in my consulting room. Theyre in their early thirties, trim and athletic. Jessica complains about her problems communicating with Mitch.
Jessica says, rather softly, Mitch, Im not blaming you. Im just trying to share my feelings. I really wish you werent so defensive.
Mitch is looking at his shoes. He grimaces. Defensive? If I say anything to you at all, if I even ask a simple question, I get nailed for being defensive. Im sick of it!
I intervene. Jessica, do you think you could tell Mitch about how he hurt your feelings without criticizing him? Without using blame?
She thinks for a moment. Sure. How about I use one of those I statements you therapists seem to like so much. Mitch, I dont understand why its so difficult for you to call me when you know youre going to be late. I think work is more important to you than me. Mitch cringes. I think to myself, can Jessica really believe that shes not criticizing her husband by telling him that he doesnt love her because he puts work first.
Now Mitch is upset. Have you forgotten that my work pays the mortgage? I think youre obsessively controlling and impossible to please. Thats what I think!
Jessica wipes away tears and turns away, obviously feeling hopeless.
Mitch and Jessica are caught in what I call a Blame Trap. Each of them is so entangled with blame that every time either one tries to solve even a minor problem, the one cant help but find fault with the other and they both use criticism or accusation in a destructive attempt to fulfill their needs.
Marcie Arrives at Work and Is Heading for the Staff Meeting when a colleague, Jim, tells her it has been canceled. Irritated and upset, she asks, And why wasnt I kept in the loop?
Jim reacts angrily. Hey, its not my job to keep you posted. Marcie tries to backpedal, saying she didnt mean to imply it was. Jim is miffed and walks away. For the rest of the day Marcie worries about having offended Jimhow stupid of her! By the time Marcie leaves work, shes convinced her coworkers are against her. Jim is still upset. He wishes Marcie would shape up.