Adele Faber - How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

How to Talk
So Teens Will
Listen

& Listen So
Teens Will
Talk

Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish

As parents, our need is to be needed; as teenagers their
need is not to need us. This conflict is real; we
experience it daily as we help those we love
become independent of us.

DR. HAIM G. GINOTT,
Between Parent and Teenager
( THE MACMILLAN COMPANY , 1969)

Our families and friends, for their patience and understanding during the long writing process and for being nice enough not to ask, So when exactly do you think youll be finished?

The parents in our workshops, for their willingness to try new ways of communicating with their families and for reporting their experiences back to the group. The stories they shared were an inspiration to us and to one another.

The teenagers we worked with, for everything they told us about themselves and their world. Their honest input gave us invaluable insights into their concerns.

Kimberly Ann Coe, our amazing artist, for taking all our stick figures and the words we put in their mouths and transforming them into a wonderfully varied cast of characters who bring the words to life.

Bob Markel, our literary agent and dear friend, for his enthusiasm for our project from the very beginning and for his unwavering support as we worked our way through the endless drafts that shaped this book.

Jennifer Brehl, our editor. Like the perfect parent, she believed in us, affirmed our best, and respectfully pointed out where we might make good even better. She was rightevery time.

Dr. Haim Ginott, our mentor. The world has changed dramatically since his passing, but his conviction that to reach humane goals we need humane methods remains forever true.

The need was there, but for a long time we didnt see it. Then letters like this began to arrive:

Dear Adele and Elaine,

HELP! When my kids were little, How to Talk was my Bible. But they re eleven and fourteen now, and I find myself facing a whole new set of problems. Have you thought about writing a book for parents of teenagers?

Soon after there was a phone call:

Our civic association is planning its annual Family Day Conference and we were hoping youd be willing to give the keynote address on how to deal with teenagers.

We hesitated. We had never presented a program that focused exclusively on teenagers before. Yet the idea intrigued us. Why not? We could give an overview of the basic principles of effective communication, only this time wed use teenage examples and demonstrate the skills by role-playing with one another.

Its always a challenge to present new material. You can never be sure if the audience will connect with it. But they did. People listened intently and responded enthusiastically. During the question-and-answer period they asked our views on everything from curfews and cliques to back talk and grounding. Afterward we were surrounded by a small group of parents who wanted to talk to us privately.

Im a single mom, and my thirteen-year-old son has started hanging out with some of the worst kids in the school. Theyre into drugs and who knows what else. I keep telling him to stay away from them, but he wont listen. I feel as if Im fighting a losing battle. How do I get through to him?

I am so upset. I saw an e-mail my eleven-year-old daughter received from a boy in her class: I want to sex you. I want to put my dinky in your cha-cha. I dont know what to do. Should I call his parents? Should I report it to the school? What should I say to her?

Ive just found out my twelve-year-old is smoking pot. How do I confront her?

Im scared to death. I was cleaning up my sons room and found a poem he wrote about suicide. Hes doing well in school. He has friends. He doesnt seem unhappy. But maybe theres something Im not seeing. Should I let him know I found his poem?

My daughter has been spending a lot of time online lately with this sixteen-year-old boy. At least, he says hes sixteen, but who knows? Now he wants to meet her. I think I should go with her. What do you think?

On the car ride home we talked nonstop: Look at what these parents are up against! What a different world we live in to-day!But have times really changed that much? Didnt we and our friends worry about sex and drugs and peer pressure and, yes, even suicide when our kids were going through their adolescence? But somehow what we had heard tonight seemed worse, scarier. There was even more to worry about. And the problems were starting earlier. Maybe because puberty was starting earlier.

A few days later there was another phone call, this time from a school principal:

Were currently running an experimental program for a group of students in both our middle school and high school. Weve given a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen to each of the parents in the program. Because your book has been so helpful, we were wondering if youd be willing to meet with the parents and conduct a few workshops for them.

We told the principal wed give it some thought and get back to her.

Over the next few days we reminisced with each other about the teenagers we once knew bestour own. We turned back time and summoned up memories of our childrens adolescent years that we had long since locked awaythe dark moments, the bright spots, and the times we held our breath. Little by little, we reentered the emotional terrain of yesteryear and reexperienced the same anxieties. Once again we pondered what made this stage of life so difficult.

It wasnt as if we hadnt been warned. From the time our kids were born we heard, Enjoy them now while theyre still smallLittle children, little problems; big children, big problems. Over and over again we were told that one day this sweet child of ours would turn into a sullen stranger who would criticize our taste, challenge our rules, and reject our values.

So even though we were somewhat prepared for changes in our childrens behavior, no one prepared us for our feelings of loss.

Loss of the old, close relationship. (Who is this hostile person living in my home?)

Loss of confidence. (Why is he acting this way? Is it something Ive done or havent done?)

Loss of the satisfaction of being needed. (No, you dont have to come. My friends will go with me.)

Loss of the sense of ourselves as all-powerful protectors who could keep our children safe from harm. (Its past midnight. Where is she? What is she doing? Why isnt she home yet?)

And even greater than our sense of loss was our fear. (How do we get our kids through these difficult years? How do we get ourselves through?)

If that was the way it was for us a generation ago, what must it be like for mothers and fathers today? Theyre raising their kids in a culture that is meaner, ruder, cruder, more materialistic, more sexualized, more violent than ever before. Why wouldnt todays parents feel overwhelmed? Why wouldnt they be driven to extremes?

Its not hard to understand why some react by getting toughwhy they lay down the law, punish any transgression, however minor, and keep their teens on a short leash. We can also understand why others would give up, why theyd throw up their hands, look the other way, and hope for the best. Yet both of these approachesDo as I say or Do what you want cut off the possibility of communication.