Christopher Lee Barish - The Armchair Quarterback Playbook: The Ultimate Guide to Watching Football

Armchair Quarterback. The phrase speaks of poise in the recliner, pinpoint remote control, and the will to watch hours and hours of football in the face of an obtrusive roommate, a needy child, or an unrelenting mother-in-law. Its all about having the intestinal fortitude to devour 24 nuclear wings, with or without blue cheese, in a single quarter. Its all about the willingness to undergo epic struggles to escape prior commitments when the game seems all but lost, and the heart-pumping adrenaline to lead teammates from channel to channel and game to game with picture-in-picture. Its all about an icy winter Monday night, standing on the frozen deck, puffing on a halftime cigar, lips purple from the bitter cold, and its all about the ability to reach deep insideand stay insideto continue watching a fourth-quarter blowout on a glorious fall afternoon despite a shower of criticism. To family and friends, hes as fine a gentleman as theyd ever want to meet, but in the armchair, hell rip an opponents heart out.

Imagine a world without Armchair Quarterbacks. On football-season Saturdays and Sundays, instead of working on their game, they would be inhabiting far too many county fairs with their significant others, causing undue strain in their relationships. Mondays at work, what would the topic of conversation be? Would men riff on the intricacies of English cricket? And being fluent in football is a valuable social skill. One can talk game at job interviews, it offers patter with the relatives, and its suitable conversation with the other guy on a double date.

The AQ was born on October 22, 1939, when NBC aired the nations first televised professional football game, a Philadelphia Eagles defeat of the Brooklyn Dodgers, 2314. A few fortunate New Yorkersa mere 500 who owned TV sets and loved footballwere able to witness the game from the comfort of their own recliners. They had the game-watching vision that set the framework for AQs today.

The advent of AQing presented unquestioned benefits. The AQ didnt need to drive to the game and fight traffic, or chase a train; he could simply walk a few steps to the living room. He no longer had to purchase tickets to watch the game; he just had to switch his TV on. He didnt have to buy stadium concessions; he could survive on foodstuffs from his own kitchen. Rather than sit on hard metal stands or in stadium seating, he could relax in his comfy armchair. He didnt need binoculars to see the action; instead, he was given a spectacular close-up view, which made the game much easier to analyze, scrutinize, and enjoy. And the weather was always just right.

AQ ingenuity couldnt be slowed down. In the early 1950s, Zenith produced the worlds first remote control, a breakthrough luxury. This device enabled AQs to turn the game on or change the channel while seated. They could even turn up the games volume if outside noise, such as that of a spouse or the family, necessitated such action. Next came restaurant delivery. A player could nourish himself with a delicious meal by making a simple phone call, never having to burn his game energy in the kitchen or waste game time by having to leave the field of play in search of food. Then, cable TV brought thousands more hours of game time. By 1985, we began to see a clear composite of the modern AQ. Today, whatever breakthroughs await us, one thing is certain: the position will continue to evolve.

This resource contains offensive plays and defensive schemes to help maximize your game and ensure youre fully equipped to combat any obstacle. It also includes advice on equipment, delicious game food recipes, how-to lists, TD dances, accepted AQ etiquette, relevant football-watching information, a thorough Resource Section, and AQ vernacular (a glossary of lingo to expand on the italicized terms found throughout this book).

Attack, argue, and strategize. Beg and bitch. Intimidate. Invest. A gifted AQ does whatever it takes in his relentless march toward destiny. And, equipped with The Armchair Quarterback Playbook, he is destined to succeed.

1. The recliner

2. The TV

3. Televised football

4. The remote control

5. Food delivery

6. Cable TV

7. High-performance electronics

8. Satellite technology

9. DVR

CHAPTER 1
SOLO PLAYS

To maximize your game, there are mental and physical plays you will need to execute throughout the season. Maybe its coming down with a painfully effective Down and In to counterattack a Sunday brunch with your parents. Perhaps youre stuck at a flea market and need to run a hurry-up Bitch and Break. To maintain peak performance, you can stay in game shape by strengthening your lateral remote-controlling with simple Clicker Snaps or push your limits with an awe-inspiring Invisible La-Z-Boy.

It seems weddings, birthdays, and funerals always come up at the worst timegame time. Run these escape routes to evade your prior commitments with a clear conscience.

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THE DOWN AND IN

PLAY STRATEGY: Youre in a tough bindits a game day, yet youre penciled in to attend a lesser event. Too bad youve suddenly fallen ill. Make it clear that youd love to attend the affair, but, unfortunately, youve been shut down by illness, you are perhaps contagious, and the doctor has advised you to stay in.

COACHING POINT When feigning illness, sniffles and coughs are predictable. Offering up a severe migraine can be more effective and difficult to challengeplus, they are recurring, which can come in handy for future conflicts.

THE DOWN AND OUT

PLAY STRATEGY: You never know when the doldrums are going to hitoh, here they come! Earnestly explain how you really wish you could make the event, but, sadly, youve been feeling down, and you dont want to subject anybody to your miseryyou just need some time for yourself.

COACHING POINT If you can make the claim that youve been diagnosed with depression, you can have this mentally crippling affliction in your back pocket for life.