Hal Marcovitz - A Jealous Guys Guide. How to Deal

Did your best friend get a higher grade than you did on an exam? Do you feel like guys are always trying to steal your girlfriend away from you? You cant control what other people do, but you can control how you react. A Jealous Guys Guide: How to Deal discusses the causes of jealousy and envy and how they affect your body and emotions. Learn what to doand what not to doto deal with it.

Dan and Todd have been friends for many years. When they both tried out for the baseball team, the coach picked Dan as a starter and played him at shortstop. Todd found himself sitting on the bench for most of the games. When he did play, it was usually during the final one or two innings and always in the outfield. Instead of spending time after practice with Todd, Dan started hanging out with some of the other players on the team. Todd wasnt included. Dan must be the coachs favorite, Todd thought.

Todd was feeling both envy and jealousy. They are not the same, although both can often occur at the same time. Envy refers to the desire to have something that someone else has. Jealousy is the emotional reaction (feelings and thoughts) about losing someone important to you to another person, or simply the fear and sadness that someone is being taken away by another person. The feeling is often accompanied by other negative emotions, including sadness, anger, fear, and shame, which can be brought on by the thought of such a loss.

A person feels envy when he wants something that someone else possesses. That something could be the latest cell phone, an MP3 player, a celebrity-brand jacket or sneakers, or a baseball glove. But the source of envy can be more than possessions. It can also be the other persons ability or popularity. As much as he liked Dan, Todd envied his friend because he had better athletic ability and a favored position on the team. Todd wished he had his friends athletic skills as well as his popularity with the coach and other players.

Todd was also feeling jealous because Dan had a new set of friendsthe other top players on the team. People who are jealous fear losing a relationship that is important to them. They are often hostile and suspicious toward the people whom they believe are trying to take that relationship away. In Todds case, because he feared he was losing Dan as a friend, he had a hard time being friendly to the other guys.

If envy were a fever, all the world would be ill.

Danish proverb

Todd came to recognize that he and Dan were in a rivalry, or competition. Rivalries are not necessarily bad. As long as a rivalry remains friendly, both participants can benefit. It can motivate both to become better, whether as a player, student, or leader.

Eventually, Todd realized that to get more game time, he needed to become a better player. And the best way to do that would be to work hard and practice to improve his skills. So he began to practice on his own. By the end of the season, Todd had improved enough that the coach began to play him more often. He still wasnt playing as much as Dan, but he found himself less envious of his friends athletic abilities and less jealous of Dans new friends on the team.

Everyone has feelings of jealousy and envy. They are normal human emotions. It is how you respond to those feelings that can help or hurt your relationships with others. When jealousy and envy are not managed in a healthy way, they can destroy relationshipsand also can actually work against you getting what you really want. In extreme cases, jealousy and envy can even lead to serious illnesses such as clinical depression or to violence.

However, it is possible to learn how to manage jealousy and envy so that they dont cause problems. And as in Todds case, these emotions can actually be helpful when used to motivate people to make changes to improve themselves and their relationships.

Envy involves

Feelings of inferiority

Longing for what someone else has

Resentment

Guilt, if ill will is directed toward a friend

Motivation to improve

Desire to possess anothers qualities

Jealousy involves

Fear of losing someone important to another

Suspicion of unfaithfulness

Anger at a rival

Low self-esteem and sadness over loss

Uncertainty and loneliness

Distrust

Adapted from Envy vs. Jealousy: A Devastating Difference, MedicineNet.com

A part of everyones personality, emotions are a powerful driving force in life. They are hard to define and understand. But what is known is that emotionswhich include anger, fear, love, joy, jealousy, and hateare a normal part of the human system. They are responses to situations and events that trigger bodily changes, motivating you to take some kind of action.

Some studies show that the brain relies more on emotions than on intellect in learning and in making decisions. Being able to identify and understand the emotions in yourself and in others can help you in your relationships with family, friends, and others throughout your life.

You feel envious when a person has something (a possession, a talent, a relationship) that you want and dont have (or dont believe you have). You feel jealous when you have (or believe you have) a relationship that you dont want to lose or share with others.

Jealousy is often accompanied by the emotions of sadness, shame, anger, and fear. The body has a physical response to these feelings. Some of the most common reactions are an increased heartbeat and an involuntary tensing of muscles.

Evan stopped short when he saw his girlfriend Madison talking with Jake outside French class. She laughed at something Jake said and smiled at him. Why was she being so nice to Jake? Evan wondered. Was she planning to break up with him? And who did Jake think he was, flirting with his girl? Evan felt like walking up to Jake and shoving him into the wall.

Jealousy and envy are often accompanied by feelings of insecurity. Jealousy may reflect a persons view of him or herself, says Jo Anne White, professor of education at Temple University. Its more about how people feel about themselves and whether theyre confident about who they are.

People with low self-esteem tend to become jealous easily. The term self-esteem refers to the way you feel about yourself. If your self-esteem is low, you are unhappy or annoyed with yourself, or you dont think your life is valuable. On the other hand, if you recognize that people love you for who you are and value your opinions, beliefs, and values, you have high self-esteem.

Many people struggle with low self-esteem when they are in their teens. During this time of life, it can be especially hard to feel in control and confident in yourself and your abilities. After all, a lot is going on socially, emotionally, and physically. You may be experiencing changing relationships with friends and family. At the same time, you are going through puberty, as your body matures into that of an adult. These physical changes are affecting your moods and the way you see yourself. As you are growing older, you are also having to make new choices in response to demands and pressures from many different directions. The teen years can be a time of great uncertainty.