Chapman - The four seasons of marriage

To my wife, Warolyn, with whom I have shared the four seasons of marriage for more than four decades.

Acknowledgments

Introduction

The Tour Seasons of ./Marriage

............. 3

.................................. 9

..................................21

................. 33

....................................49

......................... 61

Seven Strategies to Enhance the Seasons of Your Marriage

Strategy 1

............. 69

Strategy 2

........... 83

Strategy 3

Strategy 4

.... 107

Strategy 5

... 119

Strategy 6

Strategy 7

Putting Your Plan into Practice

........ 167

.............. 171

The Four Seasons of Marriage Study Guide

..................................185

................. 203

Notes

I am deeply indebted to the hundreds of couples who participated in the research that preceded the writing of this book. These couples not only took time to complete the research questions, but were also willing to be honest about the quality of their own marital relationships. I have changed names and places to protect their privacy, but I could not have written the book without their help.

The basic concept of the four seasons came from my longtime friend Jim Bell. Thanks, Jim, for what has turned out to be a great idea. Ken Petersen and the professional team at Tyndale House have been extremely supportive and helpful throughout the process of research and writing. I especially want to thank Dave Lindstedt, who served as the editor for the project. His suggestions greatly enhanced the manuscript.

I am grateful to Tricia Kube, who computerized the manuscript; Shannon Warden, who collected and analyzed the research information that came to us via our Web site; Kay Tatum, whose technical expertise made it possible to meet publication deadlines; and Karolyn Chapman, who read the manuscript with the eye of an English teacher. Without their help, I'd still be scribbling on the rough draft.

I also want to express my gratitude to the many couples I have counseled over the past thirty years. With their permission, some of their stories appear on these pages. My life has been enriched by everyone with whom I have walked through the seasons of marriage.

The tall and stately elm outside my window is covered with snow today. It's late January and winter has arrived in North Carolina. Schools are closed, as are most businesses, and the streets and lawns are swathed in a beautiful blanket of white. In the cozy comfort of my study, I sit by the fireplace and reflect.

I remember the summer we first moved to this place. Across the yard, the elm tree was engaged in a life-and-death struggle with a kudzu vine. The broad-leaved kudzu was winning, choking the life out of the hapless tree. Looking down the creek, I saw other trees that had already succumbed. Their dead limbs had fallen and their trunks, still pointing to the sky, were covered with snaking vines. They were simply waiting for the next strong wind to topple them.

Although I had arrived too late to save those other trees, I was determined to rescue the elm. With my sharpened, steel vine cutters in hand, I attacked the kudzu with a vengeance, circling the tree and severing every vine in sight. The larger ones were two inches in diameter, and the smallest was half an inch. Finally, I retreated from the battle and waited for nature to run its course. Within a week, the kudzu leaves had shriveled, and I imagined that the elm tree was breathing easier.

Summer soon faded into fall and fall into winter. When spring came, the elm tree put out its slender leaves in happy defiance of the gray tendrils still hanging limply over its branches. By the time sum mer rolled around again, the dead kudzu vines had fallen and the elm tree had a new lease on life.

Since then, I've watched the seasons come and go. I've seen the elm drink up the spring rains, soak in the summer rays of the sun, relinquish its leaves to the winds of fall, and cloak itself with white beauty in winter.

Today, as I sit here by the fire, gazing at the winter portrait outside my window, I'm also reflecting on the seasons of my life and my career as a marriage counselor. I'm thinking of the forty-two years that Karolyn and I have lived together as husband and wife, and I'm reminded that we, too, have passed through many winters, springs, summers, and falls.

I once heard a speaker say that there are four seasons to marriages. As he explained it, we begin as young couples in the springtime of life, excited about the future. Then comes summer, in which we become involved in vocations and perhaps child rearing. After summer comes fall, when the children leave and we are alone again. Then, in our latter years of life, we experience winter. Although there is some truth in this analogy, it seems to me a much too simplistic description of marriage.

My experience, both in my own marriage and in counseling couples for more than thirty years, suggests that marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, continually moving from one season to another perhaps not annually, as in nature, but just as certainly and consistently. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter-discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer-comfortable, relaxed, enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature.