Gottman John Mordechai - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert, 2nd Edition

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ALSO BY JOHN GOTTMAN

And Baby Makes Three
with Julie Gottman

What Makes Love Last?
with Nan Silver

Meta-Emotion:
How Families Communicate Emotionally
with Lynn Katz and Carole Hooven

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting
with Joan DeClaire

The Analysis of Change

The Mathematics of Marriage
with James Murray and students

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
with Nan Silver

What Predicts Divorce?

The Science of Trust

The Mathematics of Marriage

Copyright 1999, 2015 by John Mordechai Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

Harmony Books is a registered trademark, and the Circle colophon is a trademark of Random House LLC.

The anecdotes in this book are based on Dr. Gottmans research. Some of the couples are composites of those who volunteered to take part in his studies. In all cases, names and identifying information have been changed.

Originally published in hardcover in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, New York, in 1999.

Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint from After the Honeymoon by Daniel B. Wile, copyright 1988 by Daniel B. Wile. Reprinted by permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gottman, John Mordechai.
The seven principles for making marriage work / by John Gottman, and Nan Silver.Second edition.
pages cm
1. Marriage. 2. Married peoplePsychology. 3. Communication in marriage. 4. Man-woman relationships. I. Silver, Nan. II. Title.
HQ734.G7136 2014
306.81dc23
2014034168

ISBN 978-0-553-44771-2
eBook ISBN 978-1-101-90291-2

Cover design: Kalena Schoen
Cover image: Juk86/Shutterstock

v3.1

To my beautiful and brilliant girls, Julie and Moriah Gottman.

J.G.

In honor of my devoted parents, Blanche and Murray Silver, and their sixty-year marriage.

N.S.

Acknowledgments

First and foremost, I need to acknowledge the brave gift that several thousand volunteer research couples have contributed to my understanding. Their willingness to reveal the most private aspects of their personal lives has opened a hitherto closed door that has made it possible to construct these Seven Principles for making marriages work.

This book was based on research that received continuous support from the National Institute of Mental Health, the Behavioral Science Research Branch. Of great assistance was the dedicated guidance of Molly Oliveri, Della Hahn, and Joy Schulterbrandt.

This book was also made possible by a number of important collaborations that have been a joyful part of my life. These include the main collaboration that has graced my life for the past thirty-eight years with Professor Robert Levenson of the University of California, Berkeley. Friendship and laughter have always been the heart of our collaboration. Also important to me have been my collaboration with the late Neil Jacobson of the University of Washington and my work with Laura Carstensen of Stanford University.

I have been blessed with rich associations inside my laboratory and with the Gottman Institute, particularly Etana and Alan Kunovsky, and David Penner.

My wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, provided great love, wonderful friendship, motivation, intellectual camaraderie, support, and conceptual organization. Julie brought her wisdom and enormous clinical acumen and great spirit to our joint work. After many productive and heated arguments lasting decades (arguing is Jewish love), the Sound Relationship House Theory is totally the product of our mutual collaboration; detached scientist and empathic clinician have met and learned from each other. She has also been my teacher and guide in practicing psychotherapy. She made doing the couples and parents workshops an exciting creative experience. While Julie and I are busy with our full-time jobs, Alan and Etana Kunovsky capably run the Gottman Institute with great spirit, imagination, and attention to detail, and they also help facilitate our communication. Linda Wright helps us keep the couples enterprise very warm and humanshe is unusually gifted in talking to desperate couples.

I have recently been blessed with excellent students and staff, including Kim Buehlman, Jim Coan, Melissa Hawkins, Carole Hooven, Vanessa Kahen, Lynn Katz, Michael Lorber, Kim McCoy, Jani Driver, Eun Young Nahm, Sonny Ruckstahl, Regina Rushe, Kimberly Ryan, Alyson Shapiro, Amber Tabares, Tim Stickle, Beverly Wilson, and Dan Yoshimoto. Jim Coans recent work on relationships and the brain is a great source of inspiration.

I need to acknowledge the intellectual heritage upon which I draw. As Newton once wrote, If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. For me these shoulders begin with the impressive work of Susan Johnson on emotionally focused marital therapy. Susan Johnson led the way, and she showed us what to focus on. Not only that, but she also combined her great intuition and empathy with the relentless and steadfast work of the objective scientist. No one in our field can come close to her enormous contribution. I want to acknowledge Bob Weisss scholarly work on many concepts, including sentiment overrides; Cliff Notariuss work on many concepts, including sentiment override and couple efficacy; Howard Markman and Scott Stanleys faith in preventive intervention; psychiatrist Jerry Lewiss work focusing on the balance of autonomy and connectedness in marriage; and the persistent work of my late colleague Neil Jacobson, who was the first gold standard for honest marital therapy research. I am also indebted to Jacobsons more recent work with Andy Christensen, on acceptance in marital therapy. I also wish to acknowledge the contributions of William Doherty on rituals of connection, Peggy Papp, and Pepper Schwartz, as well as the work of Ronald Levant and Alan Booth on men in families.

I must also mention Dan Wiles brilliant work on marital therapy, with its superb focus on process. I love Wiles writing; his thinking is a great inspiration. His writing, entirely from a clinical perspective, is (amazingly, I think) prescient and entirely consistent with many of my research findings. I think that Wile is a genius I am blessed to have been able to exchange ideas with him. He is a great therapist.

I wish to acknowledge the work of Irvin Yalom and Victor Frankl on existential psychotherapy. Yalom has provided a great faith in the therapeutic process itself and in the human force toward growth. Frankl holds a special place in my heart. He and my beloved cousin Kurt Ladner were both residents and survivors of the Dachau concentration camp. Both found meaning in the context of intense suffering, tyranny, and dehumanization. Julie and I have brought their existential search for meaning into the relationship context. Doing so can turn conflict into a new experience of revealing and honoring life dreams, finding shared meaning, and reaffirming the couples friendship.

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