Halliday Claire - CHThings My Mother Taught Me

For Audrey, Sean, Edie & Abbie look back with love

Introduction

History is a personal thing. I am fascinated by the perceptions people have of their own lives and circumstances.

Im also fascinated by motherhood and the relationships between mothers and their children.

I have four children of my own, and before that, I started life as the baby of a young mother who felt she didnt have the capacity, resources, or desire to look after me herself. That led me to the home of a woman who had lost one of her own babies in pregnancy and wanted another child so badly that she was prepared to take someone elses.

Things my mother taught me

When I catch myself nagging my children about how much sunscreen they should be wearing, or how they shouldnt climb any higher on the monkey bars, or how I dont want them to go to that party at the house of a child whose parents Ive never met, or when I send them away to fend for themselves in front of the television for a couple of hours while I check emails and try to find that balance between work and home, I wonder how they will eventually judge me and the job I have done as their mum.

Should I have shown them my tears those times I was sad? Do I tell them all the bad things that happened to me in the hope they wont make the same mistakes? Or should I do my best to show them I am breezing through life and that the world really is a wonderful place?

I have clear memories of so many moments from childhood some good and some not so happy. There were the times we spent in a caravan together, with Mums ham sandwiches on white bread for lunch on a flat South Australian beach, and there was the way she used to turn up the car radio and dance to Rod Stewart on the sand. Then the screaming matches between us when my idea of teenage freedom didnt match her visions for my safety. But I know there are so many other things Ive forgotten. Im sure they are all important all memories shape us, in their own ways.

My lessons to my own children began with all the basic cautionary tales of health and safety red means danger, wash your hands after going to the toilet, if your hair is long you should tie it back when youre standing near the stove, dont touch any spiders (just in case) and dont ever get into the car of a stranger who tells you they have a cute puppy or kitten or a bag of lollies. But life gets more complicated for our children as they grow and the lessons we need to share are forced to evolve.

Some things, though, will always be the same.

When I spoke to my interviewees about the things they learned from their mothers, I was reminded that small moments do matter.

As a mother, thats both comforting and terrifying. Those times you drove them to rowing training when all you wanted to do was sleep in might actually be appreciated. That snipey little insult you deliver when youre having a bad day may be the one thing that they tell their counsellor when theyre forty.

What did you learn from your mother?

For dancer Li Cunxin, they were lessons of pure sacrifice, from a mother who managed to raise a herd of children in rural China even though there wasnt always enough food to feed herself.

Ask Benjamin Law and hell tell you that he learned about acceptance and understanding, which helped to drive his ambitions as a writer and gave him confidence to come out as a gay man.

For author Kathy Lette, the lessons were about steady support and unconditional love, and these gave her the resilience and strength she needed to care for her autistic son.

Tracy Bartram knows it was the inheritance of her mothers absurd sense of humour even in the craziest of circumstances that helped her become the person she is today.

A mothers influence and education can be powerful.

In my own life, I have watched my mother overcome all kinds of challenges and upheavals. I now have even more to learn as she enters the next stage of life, bothered by the beginnings of dementia and trying to clear the hurdle of loneliness that has come with outliving her friends.

There is a lot to be gained from watching and listening to the lives that have gone before us. People may not be perfect. But even the flaws and failings have something to teach us and the happy times might have even more.

These stories arent all dramatic. Life isnt really like that for everyone. But there is something we do all share. We all have a mother. Things my mother taught me? There are plenty. Part of growing up is recognising what those lessons were.

Li Cunxin

Pictured: Li Cunxin with his parents Fang Reiqing and Li Tingfang

Before Li Cunxin travelled the world as a leading ballet dancer and became Artistic Director of the Queensland Ballet, he spent his childhood in poverty-stricken rural China. His mother had a vision about his success, and her sacrifice for her son to be separated from him for years when he was chosen to attend the prestigious Beijing Dance Academy was the force that changed his life, and the fortunes of his entire family. Lis book, Maos Last Dancer , was an international bestseller.

When I was younger, when I thought of my mother or even imagined the smell of her cooking I remembered that when she cooked, she sang. Just little tunes she made up while she worked.

She may have had a special treat of meat or fresh oil and she would be so happy because she knew we were going to have a lovely meal that everybody was going to enjoy. Now, I really enjoy cooking for my children. All my brothers have learned how to make my mothers dumplings. They are legendary. I dont think I can find a dumpling house in Queensland that would be comparable to my mothers.

My mother loved the arts she was especially crazy about music. If there was any sort of performance in our village, my mother would be the first one to make us go and find a little spot Just put the stool there so nobody can take it away, she would say. We would sometimes sleep in the square. It didnt matter if it was cold or hot, we would sleep overnight there to occupy our little spot.

Mum loved to see me dance. She just loved it. Years later, she told me the story about a strange dream she had two or three weeks before I was chosen to go to the Beijing Dance Academy. One morning she woke up and told my father: I think our son will be selected to go to Beijing Dance Academy. In her dream, she was in a big crowd. Because she was quite little she couldnt see anything as she tried to make her way through, so she tapped on a mans back and said: Hey, hey, can you tell me what is going on? The man told her that there were some dancing goddesses. He then bent down and put my mother on his shoulders and she saw through a crack, almost in the clouds, these beautiful goddesses. They were sort of dancing and then, very quickly, just disappeared. Mum said it was beautiful she said it was in rainbow colours and these beautiful people were wearing these chiffon costumes.

A few weeks later, a government official came to my village and said to my family: Your son is one of the forty-four chosen to go to Beijing to study ballet. It was quite incredible for a peasant girl for a peasant mother to have such artistic dreams.

My mother was always a dreamer. I am a dreamer too. She was the one who had the sensitivity to understand our dreams. She certainly understood my dreams when I was selected to leave home at eleven years old to study at the Academy. From my village, it was a long way away twenty-four hours on a train and my father expressed reservations because he felt I was too young. We didnt know a single soul in Beijing and he felt that nobody could care for me, but my mother convinced him to let me go. She knew that I was a dreamer. I had big dreams as a child more so than any of my six brothers. She said to my father: This is the one chance for your son, and we cant take that chance away from him. She knew she was right. It was a chance to get ahead, do something different do something or at least not be starving back home. I did not really understand the artistic world at all, but, even then, I knew it might give me some opportunity even if I didnt know exactly what that was.