Jennifer Crusie - Strange Bedpersons

W hen Tess Newhart threw open her apartment door, Nick Jamieson was standing theretall, dark, successful and suspiciously happy to see her, his pleasantly blunt face a nice human contrast to his perfectly tailored suit. She stared at him warily, fighting down the ridiculous jolt of relief, happiness, and lust that welled up in her just because he was back.

Then he threw his arms wide to hug her.

Tess! he said, beaming at her. You look great!

Tess looked down at her sagging, bleach-splotched sweats. So much for relief, happiness and lust. She rolled her eyes at him, all her suspicions confirmed. Right. She slammed the door in his face and shot home both dead bolts.

Aw, come on, Tess, Nick called through the door. Its been a month. Actually its been a month, a week and two days, but whos counting? All right, Im counting. I miss you. I keep calling but you wont call me back. Is that fair? I think we should talk about this.

I dont, Tess said firmly to the door, but she ran her fingers through her short red curls. If Nick hadnt had such a large streak of calculating rat running through him, he would have been just what she needed at the moment, instead of the last thing she needed. But there was that streak of rat, and if he was at her door being charming it was because he wanted something. And the something probably wasnt her. It was something to do with money, promotion, status or all of the above. She shook her head and turned back to cross the threadbare gray carpet to her chair and her conversation.

Whos the wise guy? Your landlord? Gina DeCosta sprawled on Tesss lumpy couch, her unruly black hair falling into her eyes, her small body lost in a huge black T-shirt, and her legs wrapped in black leggings as tight as Ace bandages. She stretched out tentatively and winced.

Worse. Tess flopped down into her decrepit armchair, which groaned under her weight, and slung her long legs over the side. You know, every time I think my life has hit bottom, somebody lowers the bottom.

Nick pounded on the door. Come on, Tess. Open up.

Who is that guy? Gina said.

Nick, but I dont want to talk about it. Between him and my landlord, I may never open that door again. Tess patted her lap, and a huge black cat jumped into her arms, reclaiming the territory shed lost when Tess had gone to answer the door. Sorry, Angela, Tess murmured to the cat.

Tess? Nick called. Come on. Lets be adult about this. Or you can be adult and Ill fake it. Tess?

Gina frowned at the door. Why are you ducking Nick?

Well. Tess thought for a minute. Its like this. She stood up, dumping the cat off her lap again. I answered the door and he said she flung her arms wide and beamed a toothpaste smile at Gina Tess, you look great!

Gina looked at Tesss sweats. Uh-oh.

Exactly. Tess flopped back into her chair. You know, every time I see Nick, my mind looks at him and says, Yes, hes fun, but hes also a power-hungry rat, so stay away from him, and then my body looks at him and says, Hello, gorgeous, come to Mama. She shook her head. I have to have a long talk with my body.

Gina looked at the sweats again. I dont think its gonna listen to you. If you dressed me like that, I wouldnt listen to you.

Forget the clothes, Tess said. Youre starting to sound like Nick.

Okay. New topic. Why are you waiting for your landlord?

I reported him to the housing commission. Tess smiled, cheered up by the thought.

Well, that was unfriendly, Gina said. What did he do?

Its what he didnt do. Tess shifted in her chair as she warmed to the story of her landlords crimes. Three apartments in this building have been vandalized in the past two months, and Ray wont even fix the lock on the hall door. Anybody can walk in here. Somebody had to do something. She grinned at Gina. And, I thought, who better than me?

Tess? Nick called again. Its not safe out here. If I get mugged because youre playing hard to get, youll never forgive yourself.

Both women turned to look at the door, and then Gina looked at Tess. Tess shrugged.

Okay, Gina said, abandoning the subject of Nick. So you did something. Thats no big surprise. Im just amazed you did something as calm as reporting him.

Well, I thought about organizing a candlelight-vigil protest march, Tess said, starting to grin again. I thought all the tenants could light candles and march on Rays condominium, but this place is such a firetrap I knew wed never make it to the front door alive, so then I thought about using Bic lighters, instead, but that made me think of Stanley across the hall.

Stanley?

Youve never seen Stanley? Tesss grin widened. Stanley always wears the same T-shirt and it doesnt cover his tummy, and Stanleys tummy is not attractive. In fact, Stanleys stomach is the only one Ive ever seen with a five-oclock shadow. She frowned at Gina. Do you suppose he shaves it?

Gina made a face. Thats gross.

I think so, too, which is why I couldnt picture Stanley with a Bic. A torch, yes. A Bic, no. Tess smiled again. But then I thought, why not give Stanley a pitchfork and put him at the head of the march? She stopped to visualize it. You know, theres a lot of Quasimodo in Stanley.

Come on, Tess, cut me a break here, Nick called. I came back to apologize. Doesnt that count for something?

Gina raised an eyebrow at Tess, but Tess shook her head, so Gina returned to Stanley. I dont think Quasimodo had a pitchfork, she said. He didnt in the movie.

Anyway, I finally had to get serious before somebody around here got hurt, Tess said. So I acted like an adult and filed the report.

Good choice, Gina said. Getting arrested for pitchforking Ray the landlord would probably have been bad for your career.

Well, actually my career is sort of dead right now. Tess slumped down in her chair. I wasnt going to tell you since this is your first night back from the tour and I was looking forward to one night without trauma, butI lost my job.

Oh, no. Gina sat up, her face bleak with sympathy and concern. What happened?

Dont panic, Tess said from the depths of her chair. I have a plan.

Sure you do, Gina said. What happened?

Funding cuts. The education governor we elected decided that supporting private-tutoring foundations wasnt educational. So now the Foundation is going to have to only use volunteers. Eventually the whole place may go.

Tess, Im really sorry, Gina said. Really. I know how much those kids meant to you.

Hey. Tess straightened and glared at Gina with mock severity. Im not finished yet. The kids arent leaving. And neither am I. I just have to find a job to pay my bills that gives me my afternoons free so I can still volunteer there. She grinned. I saw Pretty Woman the other night on TV, and Julia Roberts was having such a good time being objectified by Richard Gere that I seriously thought about taking up hooking, but then I thought, thirty-six is a little old to hit the streets.

Nick knocked again. Tess? You want me to grovel? Ill grovel. Ive got a great grovel. Youve never seen my grovelyou left before I could show it to you. Come on, Tess, let me in.

Gina jerked her head toward the door. If youre thinking about swapping your bod for money, go answer the door. Hes still loaded, right?

Tess nodded. I havent checked lately, but knowing Nick and his affinity for money, hes still loaded.