To all survivors thank you for coming forward. Your stories helped me to heal. My only hope is that mine can do the same for you.
W ith my head down I was led into the bedroom by my wrist, only daring to glance up through my hair once the door was closed. Nervously, I looked around. It seemed like somebody had made a half-hearted attempt to make it look like a real room. A red, patterned rug zigzagged across the floor, but it did little to cover the laminate that was peeling away at the corners. A stale, damp stench filled my nostrils. It smelt like someone had sprayed air freshener to mask it and it lodged in the back of my throat and made me feel sick.
On the far side of the room, a single mattress had been pushed up against a wall. I turned to face the man who had led me there; he was fat and ugly and, as I peered at his lined face, I guessed he was in his thirties, maybe forties. The man pointed at the bare mattress and, reluctantly, I lay down. He pulled down his trousers and I winced as he lay on top of me, his weight crushing my chest, but I didnt dare tell him. How could I? I knew by now there was no use fighting it. My scrawny frame would be no match for the various older men who were skulking around the house.
Instead I lay in silence as he tugged at my knickers and entered me. His stubbly beard was rough and itchy against my face and I noticed he had a hole in one of his bottom teeth. He was disgusting and I shivered as he writhed around on top of me, goosebumps crawling up my arms.
I forced myself to focus on the ceiling and saw a large patch of mould spreading above me. Thats what the smell is, I realised, almost grateful for the distraction. The drunken haze I was in helped my mind to drift and I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the nightmare to be over.
Afterwards, he got up and left without a word, leaving me alone in the frozen room. My crotch stung as if it had been punched, and now, finally on my own, I curled myself into a ball. I could hear footsteps outside the bedroom door, laughter echoing around the house. I flinched, praying they wouldnt come in. I was in too much pain. I was just a child and I had no idea where I was, having been directed to the godforsaken place hours earlier. But this night wasnt anything out of the ordinary. This was my norm.
Being sent to houses to be abused by older men was something I had been conditioned to accept and, for a while, I convinced myself I was the one in control. Youre not using me, Im using you, Id tell myself over and over. I didnt understand that, at the tender age of thirteen, I had been sucked into a child sex ring.
For three years my supposed best friend took me to places around Sheffield to be abused. I was passed from house to house like a toy and, with nowhere else to turn, I came to expect the treatment I received. The youngest of the men were in their twenties and the oldest about sixty. Most of them were Asian, not that it mattered. The one thing they all had in common was the cold look in their eyes as they hurt me.
At my lowest point I believed Id either be killed or die alone in one of those dilapidated houses. But I survived. By the time the trial of my abusers broke the headlines, I was free from their clutches. For me, the abuse I suffered is in the past but it is still a reality for many young girls in Britain today and that is why I am sharing my story.
For any girl out there who has been through a similar ordeal, I want you to know that Im with you. Suffering the aftermath of sexual abuse can feel like the loneliest torment in the world, but you are not alone. I want my story to be a reminder that justice can be sought and a victims voice will be heard. I may be a victim, but Im also a survivor and that is something I will carry with me forever.
L ife for me had been chaotic from the start.
I was born in Grimsby, a coastal town in the north-east of England, and I was the first of what would become a brood of six loud and rowdy children. My mum had me when she was just eighteen and, while I never knew my real dad, Mum met Mike in a pub when I was six months old and he became the only dad Ive ever known. I was four when we moved to Conway Avenue, and that was the first place I remember calling home. It was a three-bedroom house at the end of a row of terraces. Our nan lived in the house opposite and Auntie Tracey, Mums sister, was only a few doors away. I loved it.
Grimsby in the nineties was a quiet town and as my siblings, David and Toni, came along in quick succession, we were often left to create our own fun. I was a boisterous child, which made me unpopular with the other girls at school, but that never bothered me because I had David. The pair of us were as thick as thieves and Mum despaired when wed return home covered in mud and dirt, laughing and play-fighting until one of us got hurt. On the days when David and I fell out, Id sit alone in my room playing My Little Pony. I dreamed of becoming a vet, rescuing broken animals and nursing them back to health. I pretended the toy ponies were my patients, giving them CPR and imagining Id saved them.
While Mum stayed home to look after the babies, Dad worked hard to make ends meet. Whether it was in factories or picking up odd jobs, he always brought money home to support us. Mum was always pregnant but, despite her being at home, she wasnt maternal and she always seemed frustrated when we were around.
After school each day we were sent to our rooms to play, but I shared a room with Toni, who was three years younger than me, and I hated her getting into my things. One day I took a marker pen out of my colouring set and drew a black line across the floor to mark our respective sides of the room. I thought it would keep Toni away from my toys, but when Mum found out she hit the roof and we scrubbed to get the ink out of the carpet.
In the evenings I sat in my room hoping Dad wasnt working late so Id have someone to tuck me into bed, but the days were often spent running around playing tig with David and the kids on the street.
Dont go past the green box! Mum would shout from the living room as wed dart out the front door. The big electrical box on the corner of the street marked the end of our territory and staying within the boundary created a stretch of road we were free to play in. It felt like a safe haven. Nan would wave to us from her window and, in the summer holidays, Grandad would come out with ice cream for all the local kids. It was great.
I was friends with a girl called Emily, who lived down the road. She was three years older than me but had learning difficulties and that meant she often found herself on her own. I felt sorry for her and I always made sure to say yes when she wanted me to come over. It was a time of pure innocence, laughing and playing with Emily, but that came to an abrupt end when I was five years old. On a day like any other, I went round for a playdate at her house after school. As I sat cross-legged in my red jumper and grey skirt on her bedroom floor, she pulled down the toys from her shelves before turning her attention back to me.
Do you want me to show you something? she asked, sitting herself down beside me. I nodded. What happened next is a blur. Its as though my memory was completely wiped, but the next thing I remember I was running home. Mum and Dad were both on the sofa, brew in hand, chatting to my nan who was sat in the armchair, when I came scurrying through the door.
Mum! I shouted as I rushed into the living room. Mum! Emily did something today.
What did she do, Sammy? Mum asked, not paying much attention. I could tell I was interrupting their conversation. Toni was two years old and was curled up next to Dad.
She put her fingers in my mini-moo, I replied, pointing at my school skirt. I immediately had everyones attention.